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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

How to Drink Beer

Beer. It is the world's oldest and most widely consumed alcoholic beverage (at least according to Wikipedia...but then, like this site, anyone can write anything over there) and some would say it is the finest alcoholic beverage.

They would be wrong (correct answer: vodka) but it is a valid opinion.

Many first time drinkers assume that drinking beer is simple. Like falling off a log or slamming your face into a wall. They are woefully mistaken.

Beer drinking is both an art and a science.

Difficulty: Easy

Things You'll Need:
This article
Some friends (optional)

Gently, but firmly, open your beer. A pleasant sound followed quickly by a distinct aroma should be wafting forth from the opening. This is beer. Love it.

At this point, many amateurs make the mistake of diving right in and taking a chug. This is frowned upon.

First, gaze down at your beer as if the answers to all of life's mysteries are captured within. Tilt your head up with a faraway gaze in your eyes. It helps to think of an ex who you still have fond feelings towards even though he/she shattered all your hopes and dreams.

Now slowly lift the beer towards your lips and pour some in your mouth. Don't chug it. Just let it hang around in your mouth for half a second to a full second before swallowing.

Release a deep and satisfied sigh.

It is sometimes recommended to utter a quiet "Yep" apropos of nothing.

When finished, grab another beer and begin the process anew.

Tips & Warnings

* Some folks like a little music when drinking. Anything that gets you in the drinking mood is fine. Stay away from anything too silly. As talented as the Beastie Boys are...drinking beer whilst blaring "Fight For Your Right" quickly marks you as a giant tool and soon all your potential drinking buddies will abandon you for greener and less tool-filled pastures.

* Many snobs will tell you that beer must be enjoyed either from a bottle or a frosty mug...never from a can. To them I say, "screw you". If God didn't want us drinking beer from cans he wouldn't have put the beer in there. Besides, if you think a can does harmful things to beer, you should want to get the beer out of there posthaste. And forthwith into your belly.

* While everyone loves a sing-along, stay away from anything that is inane (e.g. 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall) or pathetically overplayed (e.g. Piano Man).

* If you are going to open it, you better finish it. Never leave a man behind.

* After a few cold ones, everyone in the room is going to get exponentially more attractive. This can lead to the embarrassing Last-Night-I-Slept-With-A-Yeti syndrome. On the upside, there are people in the room who ordinarily wouldn't sleep with you. But now they might. Be that Yeti.

Comments :

W.C.Camp said...

Ok, I think I have got it now, but when do I get to progress to belching? W.C.C.

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