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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Verbose Suggestions For New Job Titles

In the old days, if you couldn't afford to purchase a new car you simply bought a used car. These days, that is impossible. Why? Because there are no used cars. Now we have pre-owned automobiles.

And if you smack up your pre-owned automobile there are no body shops to take it to for repairs. Now you must find yourself a collision center.

There are no garbage men. Now we have waste management technicians.

People seem to be unsatisfied with their job titles and have taken to bloviation and excessive verbosity to boost their personal morale with highfalutin titles.

We here are BDF know an opportunity when we see one. We have fairly large vocabularies so we decided to create some new job titles so none of you would need to rush out and purchase a thesaurus just to feel better about your crappy job.


Old Title
New Title
   
Arsonist Structural Ignition Technician
   
Cook Nourishment And Sustenance Preparation Specialist
   
Dishwasher Silver Utensil Cleansing Technician
   
Drug Dealer Personal Psychedelic Recreation Merchant
   
Grave Digger Soil Loosening and Dirt Penetration Professional
   
Horse Bettor Equine Financial Speculator
   
Lunch Lady Personal Nutritional Professional
   
Mailman Long Distance Correspondence Liaison
   
Make-Up Salesperson Facial Adjustment and Beautification Professional
   
Pet Store Salesperson Non-Human Companion Adoption Agent
   
Pickpocket Financial Voucher Removal Expert
   
Pool Boy Personal Commercial Aquatic Supervisor
   
Record Store Clerk Personal Audio Gratification Diagnostician
   
Saboteur Monkey Wrench Thrower
   
Stripper Comely Concupiscence Conjurer
   
Sunglasses Salesperson Optical UV Protection Specialist
   
Tanning Salon Clerk Dermal Melanin Augmentation Technician
   
Tree Trimmer Aesthetic Foliage Removal Specialist
   
Waiter Comestible Conveyance Expert
   
Zoophile Mammalian Lothario


Now, armed with your exponentially more professional job title, you can walk amongst your fellow man with head held high knowing that you are slightly better that you were yesterday.

Or at least your job title is less depressing.

Whichever.

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