In the old days, if you couldn't afford to purchase a new car you simply bought a used car. These days, that is impossible. Why? Because there are no used cars. Now we have pre-owned automobiles.
And if you smack up your pre-owned automobile there are no body shops to take it to for repairs. Now you must find yourself a collision center.
There are no garbage men. Now we have waste management technicians.
People seem to be unsatisfied with their job titles and have taken to bloviation and excessive verbosity to boost their personal morale with highfalutin titles.
We here are BDF know an opportunity when we see one. We have fairly large vocabularies so we decided to create some new job titles so none of you would need to rush out and purchase a thesaurus just to feel better about your crappy job.
| Arsonist | Structural Ignition Technician |
| Cook | Nourishment And Sustenance Preparation Specialist |
| Dishwasher | Silver Utensil Cleansing Technician |
| Drug Dealer | Personal Psychedelic Recreation Merchant |
| Grave Digger | Soil Loosening and Dirt Penetration Professional |
| Horse Bettor | Equine Financial Speculator |
| Lunch Lady | Personal Nutritional Professional |
| Mailman | Long Distance Correspondence Liaison |
| Make-Up Salesperson | Facial Adjustment and Beautification Professional |
| Pet Store Salesperson | Non-Human Companion Adoption Agent |
| Pickpocket | Financial Voucher Removal Expert |
| Pool Boy | Personal Commercial Aquatic Supervisor |
| Record Store Clerk | Personal Audio Gratification Diagnostician |
| Saboteur | Monkey Wrench Thrower |
| Stripper | Comely Concupiscence Conjurer |
| Sunglasses Salesperson | Optical UV Protection Specialist |
| Tanning Salon Clerk | Dermal Melanin Augmentation Technician |
| Tree Trimmer | Aesthetic Foliage Removal Specialist |
| Waiter | Comestible Conveyance Expert |
| Zoophile | Mammalian Lothario |
Now, armed with your exponentially more professional job title, you can walk amongst your fellow man with head held high knowing that you are slightly better that you were yesterday.
Or at least your job title is less depressing.
Whichever.
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