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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Verbose Suggestions For New Job Titles

In the old days, if you couldn't afford to purchase a new car you simply bought a used car. These days, that is impossible. Why? Because there are no used cars. Now we have pre-owned automobiles.

And if you smack up your pre-owned automobile there are no body shops to take it to for repairs. Now you must find yourself a collision center.

There are no garbage men. Now we have waste management technicians.

People seem to be unsatisfied with their job titles and have taken to bloviation and excessive verbosity to boost their personal morale with highfalutin titles.

We here are BDF know an opportunity when we see one. We have fairly large vocabularies so we decided to create some new job titles so none of you would need to rush out and purchase a thesaurus just to feel better about your crappy job.

Old Title
New Title
Arsonist Structural Ignition Technician
Cook Nourishment And Sustenance Preparation Specialist
Dishwasher Silver Utensil Cleansing Technician
Drug Dealer Personal Psychedelic Recreation Merchant
Grave Digger Soil Loosening and Dirt Penetration Professional
Horse Bettor Equine Financial Speculator
Lunch Lady Personal Nutritional Professional
Mailman Long Distance Correspondence Liaison
Make-Up Salesperson Facial Adjustment and Beautification Professional
Pet Store Salesperson Non-Human Companion Adoption Agent
Pickpocket Financial Voucher Removal Expert
Pool Boy Personal Commercial Aquatic Supervisor
Record Store Clerk Personal Audio Gratification Diagnostician
Saboteur Monkey Wrench Thrower
Stripper Comely Concupiscence Conjurer
Sunglasses Salesperson Optical UV Protection Specialist
Tanning Salon Clerk Dermal Melanin Augmentation Technician
Tree Trimmer Aesthetic Foliage Removal Specialist
Waiter Comestible Conveyance Expert
Zoophile Mammalian Lothario

Now, armed with your exponentially more professional job title, you can walk amongst your fellow man with head held high knowing that you are slightly better that you were yesterday.

Or at least your job title is less depressing.


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