Hello and welcome to the third annual Bridge Troll Convention here in lovely Broadmeadow. It is good to see so many familiar faces as well as a few new ones out there in the crowd today. To all our new friends - welcome! To our old friends - good to see you again!
On a more somber note, I would like to remind everyone that last year was a particularly difficult year for bridge trolls with four bridge collapses throughout the world and seven sandstone bridges completely destroyed in England alone. If we could all take a moment to think about the trolls lost in these accidents. Freya, Anders, Erlend, Håkon, Hege, Pål, Ingvild, Kåre, Jørgen, Agnar, and of course the legendary Fearsome Rockhammer Wergeland were all fine trolls. Olaf the Rather Large will be passing some baskets around if anyone would like to make donations for the families.
Fearsome Rockhammer Wergeland (622 A.D. - 2009 A.D.)
With that said, I hope you all find this weekend informative yet entertaining as we discuss some of the most state of the art techniques and tools to allow you to be the best bridge trolls you can be.
What does it mean to be a bridge troll in today's world? Gone are the days when you could just sit on your ass and wait for some uninformed traveler to attempt to cross your bridge. In the past our foremost complaint was against popular stories like "Three Billy Goats Gruff" which had a tendency to threw a monkey wrench or two into a very fine system.
Today's problems are different. Technology and an increasingly upwardly mobile society has raised all new challenges for the modern bridge troll. For instance, suspension bridges. How the fuck are you supposed to hide out under 6,532 foot long bridge spanning a strait like the Akashi Kaikyō Bridge in Japan? Or how about electrically controlled draw bridges? I swear, some of these things just seem like a giant middle finger to all trollkind.
Hell, finding the right bridge is difficult enough. Location is a very hot topic these days. Do you want a covered bridge or open? Wooden or stone? Rural or urban? Does a more heavily trafficked bridge bring more revenue or simply more headaches? Each of these options carry their own pluses and minuses which will be discussed in depth this weekend.
Once you have the bridge, how to you control it? What is the going rate for a troll to charge? Is is based on rate of traffic or length of bridge? Should a passerby not have the money to cross, do you eat them? And in this day and age with STDs and various other communicable diseases being carried by humans....would you even want to eat them?
We have experts prepared to give lectures and Q&A sessions all throughout the weekend about these and a few other topics. We have masonry specialists, financial advisers, medical experts, and a few other surprise guests.
We've even got a top notch fear session planned hosted by the Asbjørn the Terrifying to give some hot tips on how to literally scare the shit out of humble passersby. Asbjørn will teach you things so effective that you will think twice before crossing your own bridge!
I feel deeply that this will be our best convention yet! After tonight's dinner, we will adjourn in the lounge for cocktails and conversation. Just a nice get-to-know-each-other session.
Now, lets all put our hands together and welcome our tonight's speaker Borghild the Gruesome who has traveled all the way from Västergötland. Ladies and gentleman, Borghild!