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Monday, September 13, 2010

Classic Jokes With Realistic Punchlines

We have all had to suffer through various knock knock jokes, chicken jokes, and various ethnic jokes. All of which are wildly unrealistic and virtually none of which are funny.

Some would say that the lack of practical verisimilitude is what makes the joke work. We at BDF feel that these jokes should be more grounded in realism. As such, we have taken the liberty of rewriting some classic jokes and adding in newer and more realistic punchlines.

A Scotsman, and Irishman, and an Englishman all walk into a bar. After a couple of hours of drinking, each man pays his tab, leaves an acceptable tip and then heads home.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Pizza guy.
Pizza guy, who?
Um...the pizza guy from the place you ordered pizza from? You know...the large pepperoni? It'll be $15.75.

How many Blonds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Probably only one.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the kitchen?
Winston. Because his name is Winston. He probably won't answer to a different name.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I couldn't possibly attempt to understand the motivation of a chicken. I've got my own shit going on.

What did the Pilgrim say to the Indian at the first Thanksgiving?
Most likely something like "Welcome!" or "Please pass the corn". I don't know. I wasn't there.

Your momma's so fat I would imagine her cholesterol level is off the charts and her organs are most likely enlarged and dangerously overtaxed.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
"Are you OK ma'am? Can I get you some medical assistance?"

What did the Leprechaun say to the unicorn?
Nothing at all. Unicorns aren't real.

What's funnier than a dead baby?
Literally everything. Dead babies make me sad.

How do you get a one armed Polack out of a tree?
Call the fire department. They can probably get him down safely.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Orange who?
Oranges don't have last names. It's just "orange".

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?
A tragedy

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