Updated sporadically! Guaranteed!

Friday, September 17, 2010

The Third Annual Bridge Troll Convention

Hello and welcome to the third annual Bridge Troll Convention here in lovely Broadmeadow. It is good to see so many familiar faces as well as a few new ones out there in the crowd today. To all our new friends - welcome! To our old friends - good to see you again!

On a more somber note, I would like to remind everyone that last year was a particularly difficult year for bridge trolls with four bridge collapses throughout the world and seven sandstone bridges completely destroyed in England alone. If we could all take a moment to think about the trolls lost in these accidents. Freya, Anders, Erlend, Håkon, Hege, Pål, Ingvild, Kåre, Jørgen, Agnar, and of course the legendary Fearsome Rockhammer Wergeland were all fine trolls. Olaf the Rather Large will be passing some baskets around if anyone would like to make donations for the families.

In memoriam
Fearsome Rockhammer Wergeland (622 A.D. - 2009 A.D.)

With that said, I hope you all find this weekend informative yet entertaining as we discuss some of the most state of the art techniques and tools to allow you to be the best bridge trolls you can be.

What does it mean to be a bridge troll in today's world? Gone are the days when you could just sit on your ass and wait for some uninformed traveler to attempt to cross your bridge. In the past our foremost complaint was against popular stories like "Three Billy Goats Gruff" which had a tendency to threw a monkey wrench or two into a very fine system.

Today's problems are different. Technology and an increasingly upwardly mobile society has raised all new challenges for the modern bridge troll. For instance, suspension bridges. How the fuck are you supposed to hide out under 6,532 foot long bridge spanning a strait like the Akashi Kaikyō Bridge in Japan? Or how about electrically controlled draw bridges? I swear, some of these things just seem like a giant middle finger to all trollkind.

Hell, finding the right bridge is difficult enough. Location is a very hot topic these days. Do you want a covered bridge or open? Wooden or stone? Rural or urban? Does a more heavily trafficked bridge bring more revenue or simply more headaches? Each of these options carry their own pluses and minuses which will be discussed in depth this weekend.

Once you have the bridge, how to you control it? What is the going rate for a troll to charge? Is is based on rate of traffic or length of bridge? Should a passerby not have the money to cross, do you eat them? And in this day and age with STDs and various other communicable diseases being carried by humans....would you even want to eat them?

We have experts prepared to give lectures and Q&A sessions all throughout the weekend about these and a few other topics. We have masonry specialists, financial advisers, medical experts, and a few other surprise guests.

We've even got a top notch fear session planned hosted by the Asbjørn the Terrifying to give some hot tips on how to literally scare the shit out of humble passersby. Asbjørn will teach you things so effective that you will think twice before crossing your own bridge!

I feel deeply that this will be our best convention yet! After tonight's dinner, we will adjourn in the lounge for cocktails and conversation. Just a nice get-to-know-each-other session.

Now, lets all put our hands together and welcome our tonight's speaker Borghild the Gruesome who has traveled all the way from Västergötland. Ladies and gentleman, Borghild!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Film Synopsis In The Form Of Haiku

We are all familiar with the literary form Haiku. Seventeen syllables divided into three lines: 5,7,5. The following are some film plots summarized in the form of haiku.

New York is haunted
Gozer is coming to town
Who you gonna call?

Air Force One
The plane is hijacked
Han Solo is President
Get off his plane

Forrest Gump
Mama loves Forrest
Forrest is a simple man
Jenny is a whore

Rose meets Jack
They screw in the cargo hold
And then the boat sinks

Top Gun
Maverick is cool
Goose dies and Maverick cries
I'll be your wing man

Die Hard
McClane walks on glass
And Godunov doesn't dance
Yippee kai yay - boom!

Great white eats people
Death is bad for tourism
Need a bigger boat

The Blair Witch Project
Kids go in the woods
Flashlight close-ups of crying
Everybody dies

Road House
Dalton is awesome
Sam Elliott is his friend
bad guys go bye bye

Over The Top
Stallone arm wrestles
Will he win and save his son?
Yes. Of course he does

Monday, September 13, 2010

Classic Jokes With Realistic Punchlines

We have all had to suffer through various knock knock jokes, chicken jokes, and various ethnic jokes. All of which are wildly unrealistic and virtually none of which are funny.

Some would say that the lack of practical verisimilitude is what makes the joke work. We at BDF feel that these jokes should be more grounded in realism. As such, we have taken the liberty of rewriting some classic jokes and adding in newer and more realistic punchlines.

A Scotsman, and Irishman, and an Englishman all walk into a bar. After a couple of hours of drinking, each man pays his tab, leaves an acceptable tip and then heads home.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Pizza guy.
Pizza guy, who?
Um...the pizza guy from the place you ordered pizza from? You know...the large pepperoni? It'll be $15.75.

How many Blonds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Probably only one.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the kitchen?
Winston. Because his name is Winston. He probably won't answer to a different name.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I couldn't possibly attempt to understand the motivation of a chicken. I've got my own shit going on.

What did the Pilgrim say to the Indian at the first Thanksgiving?
Most likely something like "Welcome!" or "Please pass the corn". I don't know. I wasn't there.

Your momma's so fat I would imagine her cholesterol level is off the charts and her organs are most likely enlarged and dangerously overtaxed.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
"Are you OK ma'am? Can I get you some medical assistance?"

What did the Leprechaun say to the unicorn?
Nothing at all. Unicorns aren't real.

What's funnier than a dead baby?
Literally everything. Dead babies make me sad.

How do you get a one armed Polack out of a tree?
Call the fire department. They can probably get him down safely.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Orange who?
Oranges don't have last names. It's just "orange".

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?
A tragedy

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Abruptlyending Story: A Disappointing Sequel

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

A Solve-It-Yourself Mystery

Little Dickie Greene had been obsessed with Sherlock Holmes stories since he was nine. Now twelve, he had garnered a reputation amongst the other local children as an able problem solver.

It was quite commonplace for a neighborhood kid to show up unannounced at Dickie's treehouse and plead for his wisdom in solving a mystery. As such, Dickie didn't bat an eye when Marla Mason showed up asking for help.

"Someone stole my ice cream!" Marla cried.

Marla was two years older than Dickie and quite possibly the cutest girl on the block. Dickie had noticed her often and the slumbering monster in his pants had noticed her even more. For these reasons alone, Dickie vowed to himself that he would crack this case. Pursing his lips, Dickie turned towards Marla and fixed her with a gaze he hoped was equal parts penetrating and erotic.

"Give me all the facts. Leave no detail unspoken regardless of how inconsequential it may initially seem."

Marla nodded and began her tale. She had just put two scoops of ice cream in a bowl and headed to her upstairs bedroom to enjoy it while reading a popular teen magazine. The bedroom window was open allowing a cool summer breeze to blow through the room. As Marla was about to take her first bite and read about her favorite pretty boy the doorbell rang.

Leaving her ice cream and magazine, Marla went downstairs and opened the door. Upon opening it, Marla noted that the front porch was entirely empty although she believed she may have heard a muffled laugh in the distance. When she returned to her room, she found the ice cream bowl empty.

"Show me the scene of the crime," Dickie announced. "On our way there we must pick up my associate Champ Nelson."

"Champ Nelson!" Marla cried. "But he smells!"

"True," Dickie acknowledged, "but today is Tuesday and Tuesday is bath day in the Nelson house. He will probably smell less like a hobo's nuttsack today. Regardless, I will require his assistance if I am to apprehend the fiend who absconded with your ice cream."

Resigned, Marla agreed to accompany Dickie to Champ's house and then onward to her own.

With the trio assembled, Marla opened her front door and led them in. As they crossed the threshold, Dickie and Champ noticed a trail of bloodspots leading from the foyer up the stairs. At the top landing, a large dog was sprawled out, laying on his side.

"This is Spartacus" Marla stated. "Usually he barks at new people in the house."

"Curious," Dickie mumbled.

In Marla's room, Dickie noted the empty ice cream bowl on the bed next to a torn magazine.

"Someone could have come through the window," Champ intoned.

"Who would do such a thing?" Marla asked.

"I know someone," Champ stated darkly.

Dickie knew who Champ was alluding to. Cocksucker Jones was the local bully and hoodlum. Everyone knew he was guilty of most of the crimes which happened in the neighborhood.

"This one wasn't Cocksucker Jones, Champ."

"Then who?" Champ inquired.


- - - Can You Solve It? - - -



Dickie began his explanation.

"Spartacus normally barks upon greeting strangers, yet today he is silent and lethargic."

"Why?" Marla asked.

"Because he ate your ice cream!" Dickie announced, "And now he feels like shit."

"And the doorbell?" Champ asked.

"That one probably was Cocksucker Jones. He loves to play Ding Dong Ditch."

"And the blood?" Champ asked further.

"Simple! Marla finally had her first period. Congratulations Marla! You are a woman now." Dickie exclaimed.

Marla's face turned crimson. Dickie smiled.

"And now, about my fee...."

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Saturday Laziness

It's Saturday again!

On Saturday...we don't feel like working.

So being the lazy bastards we are, we will simply point you to some past things we have already written.

We will call this one the General Zod edition.

If you haven't read them, they are new to you.

Maybe you have already read them, maybe not. We don't really give a shit. Here they are again anyway.

Winkin' Blinkin' and General Zod

General Zod: Humanitarian

Yeah, we know. Normally we have five links. Well, we have only written two Zod articles. Deal with it.

Love ya!

Enjoy your weekend.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Dick And Jane: For Advanced Readers

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Verbose Suggestions For New Job Titles

In the old days, if you couldn't afford to purchase a new car you simply bought a used car. These days, that is impossible. Why? Because there are no used cars. Now we have pre-owned automobiles.

And if you smack up your pre-owned automobile there are no body shops to take it to for repairs. Now you must find yourself a collision center.

There are no garbage men. Now we have waste management technicians.

People seem to be unsatisfied with their job titles and have taken to bloviation and excessive verbosity to boost their personal morale with highfalutin titles.

We here are BDF know an opportunity when we see one. We have fairly large vocabularies so we decided to create some new job titles so none of you would need to rush out and purchase a thesaurus just to feel better about your crappy job.

Old Title
New Title
Arsonist Structural Ignition Technician
Cook Nourishment And Sustenance Preparation Specialist
Dishwasher Silver Utensil Cleansing Technician
Drug Dealer Personal Psychedelic Recreation Merchant
Grave Digger Soil Loosening and Dirt Penetration Professional
Horse Bettor Equine Financial Speculator
Lunch Lady Personal Nutritional Professional
Mailman Long Distance Correspondence Liaison
Make-Up Salesperson Facial Adjustment and Beautification Professional
Pet Store Salesperson Non-Human Companion Adoption Agent
Pickpocket Financial Voucher Removal Expert
Pool Boy Personal Commercial Aquatic Supervisor
Record Store Clerk Personal Audio Gratification Diagnostician
Saboteur Monkey Wrench Thrower
Stripper Comely Concupiscence Conjurer
Sunglasses Salesperson Optical UV Protection Specialist
Tanning Salon Clerk Dermal Melanin Augmentation Technician
Tree Trimmer Aesthetic Foliage Removal Specialist
Waiter Comestible Conveyance Expert
Zoophile Mammalian Lothario

Now, armed with your exponentially more professional job title, you can walk amongst your fellow man with head held high knowing that you are slightly better that you were yesterday.

Or at least your job title is less depressing.


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