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Friday, August 13, 2010

Tutorials Rejected by eHow.com

The internet is a vast wasteland comprised mostly of pornography and pictures of cats wearing human clothing. And Big Damn Funny, of course.

But the internet can be a teaching tool. Google most anything and there is probably a tutorial written about the subject. And it was probably written by someone with absolutely no experience in that subject. One of the many sites which provide inexperienced user written tutorials is eHow.com.

While there are many fascinating and inane articles like How To Draw A Stickman, How To Draw A Stickwoman (for those idle doodlers of the female persuasion), and even How To Drink Beer, they don't accept just any article. No sir.

The following are some tutorials which were rejected by eHow.

How To Wave An American Flag

Things You'll Need:
An American flag
At least one arm


To truly and correctly wave an American flag, one mustn't be too uptight. Relaxation is key. This is probably the right time to open that beer. And then drink it.

Now that you are appropriately lubricated, you need to ease into the correct mindset. Begin thinking about "The Star Spangled Banner". Hum it softly to yourself. Should this fail elicit the proper degree of patriotism in your heart and loins, try something different. Maybe "America the Beautiful". Or "Eye of the Tiger".

At this point, I hope you brought at least one arm. You are gonna need it. Place your hand on the flagpole and hoist that bad boy up.

Commence waving the flag. Exude patriotism while doing so. Any casual watcher must immediately know that you are doing this for America. The greatest fucking country in the history of the universe.

Get another beer.

How To Program A VCR

Things You'll Need:
Two hands

To truly and correctly program a VCR, one mustn't be too uptight. Relaxation is key. This is probably the right time to open that beer. And then drink it.

You still have a VCR? How the fuck are you accessing the internet from 1985? Do you have a time machine? Can I borrow it? I made a shitload of mistakes in the late 1990's and I'd love to have another shot at that decade. Seriously.

How To Get The Electric Chair

Things You'll Need:
A Knife
Two hands
A wallet with multiple forms of ID

Make sure you are in a state which still performs execution by electrocution via the electric chair. There are only a handful of states which still use it. Most have switched to that pussy lethal injection crap. You don't want any of that.

Mosey on over to a house that doesn't appear to have any valid security. Break in.

I'm not gonna lie....this is probably the right time to open that beer. And then drink it.

Find the inhabitant of the house. And kill him. This is where the two hands and the knife come into play from the Things You'll Need list above.

Leave as much DNA evidence as possible at the scene. Jerk off on the guy. Piss on the floor. Cut your hand and make sure you drip some of your blood in some really obvious places.

Drop your wallet filled with multiple forms of ID near the body. Make sure it is in plain sight and didn't bounce under a couch or something. That would suck.

Go home, crack another beer, and wait for the cops.

Plead guilty.

It is pathetic that we have to actually take the time to say this...but don't actually use that last tutorial. Murder is wrong. Don't do it. Seriously.

If this thing gets a load of hits because a bunch of deranged assholes are actually googling "How to get the electric chair" I'm gonna lose all hope for humanity.

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