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Friday, August 20, 2010

The Legend of Prince Chad

Most people are familiar with the legend of Camelot, the sword in the stone, the round table, Merlin, the Holy Grail, the concept of "might for right" (that is, of course, until Queen Guenevere fucks it all up by boning Lancelot), etc.

The part of the tale rarely told is that of Prince Chadwick, Arthur's dipshit younger brother. Actually, Prince Chad was only Arthur's half-brother. Chad's mother and father were actually married. It was Arthur's father, Uther Pendragon, who seduced Chad's mother and the two sired young Arthur. Uther was a wee bit of a randy bachelor and would pretty much dip his wick whenever and wherever the mood struck him. This would become his undoing as at the time there was no cure for syphilis.

In any case, fifteen years after the birth of Arthur, young Chadwick was born. Being born to a milkmaid (for that was what Arthur and Chad's mother was back then) Chad was raised around cows and developed a severe phobia of all ungulates. Merlin, being quite loyal to Arthur, rescued young Chad and brought him to his half-brother, Arthur.

Very little is known about Chad's adolescent years before coming to live with Arthur. Of those years we only know of his phobia of cows; an instance wherein young Chad stumbled whilst playing on a wall and tumbled headfirst into a vat of pig shit and was henceforth known in the town as "dipshit Chad"; as well as some writings of the time make reference to a bizarre incident with a pitchfork, three sheep, and the resulting rash on young Chadwick's genitals. The particulars of that story we will omit in this telling. If you have the means and are an adult, I highly recommend researching the story. It is a ribald tale! Positively randy!

While he knew his brother wasn't very bright, Arthur recalled his sad childhood growing up as an orphan (did we forget to mention that along with being a randy bachelor, Uther was a fucking prick and abandoned his love child?) and therefore didn't have the heart to push Chad away.

As Arthur was tasked with overseeing all of Britain, he didn't have a great deal of time to care for his teenage brother. The care and tutoring of Chad fell to whichever of Arthur's knights were around at the time. And those guys could be real dicks. While Chad learned nothing useful, he was forced to drink pig urine thrice, was suckered into eating befouled fruit, and lost a bet which required him to reenact the bizarre incident with a pitchfork, three sheep, and the resulting rash on young Chadwick's genitals.

Upon the event of Chad's nineteenth birthday, Arthur devised an adventure which would prove to all the other knights that Chad was now a man and worthy of their esteem.

Chad was tasked with hunting a stag and bringing its majestic corpse back to the castle. The night before his hunt, Chad was unable to sleep. Tossing and turning all night, he managed only brief fits of sleep over the course of nine hours. This lack of proper restfulness would lead to a most dispiriting day.

As the morning broke, young dipshit Chadwick gathered his armaments and headed towards the horse stable. Whereupon he slipped in some horse manure and reached out to catch himself before he fell headfirst into the remaining pile.

What he grabbed was something of value, indeed. Possibly not to young dipshit Chadwich, but to the horse whose testicles he was grasping the worth was inestimable.

The horse flew into a rage and rained a series of rapid fire kung-fu style kicks at and around young Chad's cranium.

And then he died.

Chad, that is. The horse lived for another ten years.

Pictured: King Arthur marrying Guinevere
Not Pictured: Dipshit Chad

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