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Monday, August 30, 2010

How To Seduce A Woman

In the world of mating and seduction, some men are naturally handsome, witty, masculine, and charming. Women flock to these men with little to no effort expended by the aforementioned men.

You probably aren't one of these men.

But there is hope. With our help, you can be seducing hotties (or "more accessible" women, depending on how high or low you set your personal bar) like the legendary Liberace Lothario.

First, make an honest assessment of your appearance. Are you dressed like a hobo? If so, this is bad (unless, of course, you are an actual hobo. In which case, keep on riding those rails, brother!)

You may want to try updating your look. Try adding spats. Women love spats. Also, you can never go wrong with an ascot.

Pictured: Pure class.

If you have the genetic means to do so, we highly recommend growing a mustache. A great mustache will do most of the seducing for you, allowing the rest of your face to just enjoy the ride.

Second, let's examine your automobile. Some people will tell you that a fancy and expensive car is the key to luring the ladies. The problem with that is the fact that most fancy and expensive cars lack the fundamental requirement for automotive seduction: fuck room.

If you don't have room to fuck, what's the point? This is why all the really classy Don Juan types drive vans. Plenty of fuck room in a van.

Third, and most importantly, check your breath. Does your breath smell like a rhinoceros anus? Douche that shit out. We are looking for something more akin to flowers on a warm spring morning. Or at the very least, less like a rhinoceros anus.

Remember: this...

NOT this

Now you should be prepared to engage females. When approaching a woman, make eye contact. Hard. If she isn't visibly feeling a mixture of intimidation, terror, and titillation then you aren't trying hard enough. Let your stare really bore into her face. This is called "Psychological Skullfucking". It is a basic move all professional pickup artists utilize.

Once you begin conversing with your chosen target, overtly ignore anything she may try to say to you. The simple truth is that she is probably boring. Instead, regale her with stirring feats of strength and intelligence on your part. You will probably have to lie, but that is fine at this juncture. Just make the lies good.

In the course of speaking, use as many synonyms of the word "big" as you can.

"My intelligence is prodigious."
"This bar is quite substantial."
"That is a mammoth hat you are wearing."

When you use the word, casually gesture towards your penis every time. This will send subtle psychological cues to the female that you are very well endowed. Occasionally, thrust your hips when you gesture. This is called "Psychological Mindfucking".

Never come right out and say "I have an exceptionally girthy penis". Allow her to make that logical leap via your use of Psychological Mindfucking.

At this point, she should be rubbing her crotch against your leg and nodding her head towards the door. This is your cue. Take her out to your van.

Your van should be stocked with seduction music. We would recommend some Prince, Marvin Gaye, and Barry White, with some Iron Maiden sprinkled throughout. Turn up the stereo and begin to remove both her clothing and your own. At this point you should be ready to commence what is called "Actual Physical Fucking".

When you are done, towel off and kick her out of the van.

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