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Friday, August 27, 2010

Dream Interpretation

Dream interpretation is the process of assigning meaning to dreams. In many of the ancient societies, such as Egypt and Greece, dreaming was considered a supernatural communication or a means of divine intervention, whose message could be unraveled by those with certain powers.

At least, that is what Wikipedia says.

As long as people have been dreaming, those same people have been wondering what the fuck those dreams mean. Dreams are so fascinating to people that not only do the kooks and crazies try to interpret them, but actual scientists do too. The scientific study of dreams is called oneirology.

The simple truth is that there is no agreed upon biological definition of dreaming. Nobody knows why we dream. Nobody can really explain the process. They just happen.

But over time, certain patterns and archetypes have become clear and standard meanings have been ascribed to those particular dreams.

For instance, when your dreams involve you going to work or school bucknaked and everyone else begins laughing at your comically undersized penis, it means that in real life you are concerned with people finding out about your comically undersized penis. And then laughing at you.

If you see Paul Lynde (Uncle Arthur on Bewitched) wearing a tri-corner hat, you will die within three days. If he is instead wearing a humorously large sombrero, then you will attend a bitchin' party within three days.

Dreams about urination mean that you really have to pee. You should wake up forthwith and get thee to a bathroom or you will be sorry in the morning.

Early American settlers perceived dreams involving a large blue winged buffalo as a sign of virility. Should you have no desire to spawn, you should actively avoid sexual contact for at least two weeks after having one of these dreams.

Ape dreams mean nothing. They are just awesome.

Dreams of a sexual nature involving a friend of the same sex means that you are gay. Sorry. But its true.

In depth and detail oriented dreams about knitting and/or crocheting mean you have an urge to create. Or you are a grandma. One of the two.

Should you have a dream of alien abduction, it means that you are at that juncture being anally probed but are unable to resist due to their alien forced sleep technology.

If your dreams feature a beautiful woman garbed in Victorian era clothing strolling along a quiet lake whilst carrying a parasol, deep down you want to have sex with your mother. You weird bastard.

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