Updated sporadically! Guaranteed!

Monday, August 30, 2010

How To Seduce A Woman

In the world of mating and seduction, some men are naturally handsome, witty, masculine, and charming. Women flock to these men with little to no effort expended by the aforementioned men.

You probably aren't one of these men.

But there is hope. With our help, you can be seducing hotties (or "more accessible" women, depending on how high or low you set your personal bar) like the legendary Liberace Lothario.

First, make an honest assessment of your appearance. Are you dressed like a hobo? If so, this is bad (unless, of course, you are an actual hobo. In which case, keep on riding those rails, brother!)

You may want to try updating your look. Try adding spats. Women love spats. Also, you can never go wrong with an ascot.

Pictured: Pure class.

If you have the genetic means to do so, we highly recommend growing a mustache. A great mustache will do most of the seducing for you, allowing the rest of your face to just enjoy the ride.

Second, let's examine your automobile. Some people will tell you that a fancy and expensive car is the key to luring the ladies. The problem with that is the fact that most fancy and expensive cars lack the fundamental requirement for automotive seduction: fuck room.

If you don't have room to fuck, what's the point? This is why all the really classy Don Juan types drive vans. Plenty of fuck room in a van.

Third, and most importantly, check your breath. Does your breath smell like a rhinoceros anus? Douche that shit out. We are looking for something more akin to flowers on a warm spring morning. Or at the very least, less like a rhinoceros anus.

Remember: this...

NOT this

Now you should be prepared to engage females. When approaching a woman, make eye contact. Hard. If she isn't visibly feeling a mixture of intimidation, terror, and titillation then you aren't trying hard enough. Let your stare really bore into her face. This is called "Psychological Skullfucking". It is a basic move all professional pickup artists utilize.

Once you begin conversing with your chosen target, overtly ignore anything she may try to say to you. The simple truth is that she is probably boring. Instead, regale her with stirring feats of strength and intelligence on your part. You will probably have to lie, but that is fine at this juncture. Just make the lies good.

In the course of speaking, use as many synonyms of the word "big" as you can.

"My intelligence is prodigious."
"This bar is quite substantial."
"That is a mammoth hat you are wearing."

When you use the word, casually gesture towards your penis every time. This will send subtle psychological cues to the female that you are very well endowed. Occasionally, thrust your hips when you gesture. This is called "Psychological Mindfucking".

Never come right out and say "I have an exceptionally girthy penis". Allow her to make that logical leap via your use of Psychological Mindfucking.

At this point, she should be rubbing her crotch against your leg and nodding her head towards the door. This is your cue. Take her out to your van.

Your van should be stocked with seduction music. We would recommend some Prince, Marvin Gaye, and Barry White, with some Iron Maiden sprinkled throughout. Turn up the stereo and begin to remove both her clothing and your own. At this point you should be ready to commence what is called "Actual Physical Fucking".

When you are done, towel off and kick her out of the van.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Saturday Laziness

It's Saturday again!

On Saturday...we don't feel like working.

So being the lazy bastards we are, we will simply point you to some past things we have already written.

We will call this one the art and literature edition.

If you haven't read them, they are new to you.

Maybe you have already read them, maybe not. We don't really give a shit. Here they are again anyway.

Lesser Known Dr. Seuss Books

Sock Monkey: An Artform

Lost Novel of Ernest Hemingway

Holy Shit!: A Nautical Tale

Yet Another Short Piece Of Shitty Fiction

Enjoy your weekend.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Dream Interpretation

Dream interpretation is the process of assigning meaning to dreams. In many of the ancient societies, such as Egypt and Greece, dreaming was considered a supernatural communication or a means of divine intervention, whose message could be unraveled by those with certain powers.

At least, that is what Wikipedia says.

As long as people have been dreaming, those same people have been wondering what the fuck those dreams mean. Dreams are so fascinating to people that not only do the kooks and crazies try to interpret them, but actual scientists do too. The scientific study of dreams is called oneirology.

The simple truth is that there is no agreed upon biological definition of dreaming. Nobody knows why we dream. Nobody can really explain the process. They just happen.

But over time, certain patterns and archetypes have become clear and standard meanings have been ascribed to those particular dreams.

For instance, when your dreams involve you going to work or school bucknaked and everyone else begins laughing at your comically undersized penis, it means that in real life you are concerned with people finding out about your comically undersized penis. And then laughing at you.

If you see Paul Lynde (Uncle Arthur on Bewitched) wearing a tri-corner hat, you will die within three days. If he is instead wearing a humorously large sombrero, then you will attend a bitchin' party within three days.

Dreams about urination mean that you really have to pee. You should wake up forthwith and get thee to a bathroom or you will be sorry in the morning.

Early American settlers perceived dreams involving a large blue winged buffalo as a sign of virility. Should you have no desire to spawn, you should actively avoid sexual contact for at least two weeks after having one of these dreams.

Ape dreams mean nothing. They are just awesome.

Dreams of a sexual nature involving a friend of the same sex means that you are gay. Sorry. But its true.

In depth and detail oriented dreams about knitting and/or crocheting mean you have an urge to create. Or you are a grandma. One of the two.

Should you have a dream of alien abduction, it means that you are at that juncture being anally probed but are unable to resist due to their alien forced sleep technology.

If your dreams feature a beautiful woman garbed in Victorian era clothing strolling along a quiet lake whilst carrying a parasol, deep down you want to have sex with your mother. You weird bastard.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Blog Of Lassie

3:02 AM

Timmy got lost in the woods again today. Of course I found him. I had to chase off a rabid raccoon that had Timmy cornered against a tree.

Did anyone give a shit what Lassie had to go through? NOOOOOOOO. It's all "Oh thank God you are OK Timmy!"

Except he isn't He got bitten by that raccoon. The doc says he will have to have a series of shots.

I'll probably get blamed for not finding him soon enough. Bastards.

1:14 AM

Timmy gave me a bath today. He kept saying "Good girl, good girl" all the while he was washing my wiener. What the fuck is his mother teaching him?

This kid is a little slow.

3:32 AM

Timmy forgot his "lucky" pencil today. I had to run my ass all the way to school to deliver it to him.

I hope the dumb shit fails his test anyway.

4:02 AM

The people on the next farm just got a new dog. A poodle. She is young, but I got dibs.

She is gonna be something fine in the next year or so. Rawr!

3:12 AM

Well, that was shortlived. The poodle got run over by a tractor. Back to frotting myself with Timmy's arm when he sleeps.

10:16 AM

Timmy fell in a well again.

Fuck him. I'm going back to sleep.

10:53 AM


This is the only day of the year when I get to eat some decent food and not just the farm slop these bastards normally give me.

Daddy like turkey. Nom nom nom.

1:02 PM

Grandpa had chest pains today. I had to run to the doc's through two feet of snow. I don't know why they didn't just use that telephone thingy.

I didn't mind so much. Grandpa is the only one that doesn't treat me like I'm retarded. Shit. Timmy is the dumb one. How many times does a kid have to fall into a well before he stops fucking around near those things?

Me and dipshit.
Look out for that well! LOL!

Monday, August 23, 2010

A One Act Play




[A quiet and lovely park. It is a spring evening and the stars are bright above the treeline. A couple, Tom and Jane, are sitting on the lone bench in the center of the park.]

JANE: It's so beautiful out here on evenings like this. Don't you think?

[Tom is silent and aloof as if he didn't even hear Jane's voice.]

JANE: Tom?

[Tom doesn't move a muscle or in any way acknowledge the fact that someone had spoken.]

JANE: Is everything all right, Tom?

[Finally, acknowledging Jane's existence, Tom gives a very slight shrug.]

JANE: Is this about the other night? Because-

[Tom spins around, eyes wild with fury.]

TOM: Fuck you, whore!

[Tom exits, stage left.]



Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

The above one act play may be performed by schools and universities with no monetary remuneration required.

Although we would like free tickets.

Seriously. If anyone wants to put on this play, please...for the love of all that is good in this world...film it. Put that bad boy on YouTube and we will post it right here. Don't forget to credit us.

We wouldn't want to unleash the wolverines on you.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Saturday Laziness

It's Saturday again!

On Saturday...we don't feel like working.

So being the lazy bastards we are, we will simply point you to some past things we have already written.

Last week we did the most popular articles of the previous week. This week...those same article are pretty much still the top. Cause you guys are pretty much still perverts.

So this week, we will do the five of the least visited articles of this past week.

We will call this one the ones you haven't been reading edition.

If you haven't read them, they are new to you.

Maybe you have already read them, maybe not. We don't really give a shit. Here they are again anyway.

Cartoons Exposed!

How To Fly

15 Things You Rarely Hear On A Date

Amazingly True Facts: Animals

Life Lists

Enjoy your weekend.

Friday, August 20, 2010

The Legend of Prince Chad

Most people are familiar with the legend of Camelot, the sword in the stone, the round table, Merlin, the Holy Grail, the concept of "might for right" (that is, of course, until Queen Guenevere fucks it all up by boning Lancelot), etc.

The part of the tale rarely told is that of Prince Chadwick, Arthur's dipshit younger brother. Actually, Prince Chad was only Arthur's half-brother. Chad's mother and father were actually married. It was Arthur's father, Uther Pendragon, who seduced Chad's mother and the two sired young Arthur. Uther was a wee bit of a randy bachelor and would pretty much dip his wick whenever and wherever the mood struck him. This would become his undoing as at the time there was no cure for syphilis.

In any case, fifteen years after the birth of Arthur, young Chadwick was born. Being born to a milkmaid (for that was what Arthur and Chad's mother was back then) Chad was raised around cows and developed a severe phobia of all ungulates. Merlin, being quite loyal to Arthur, rescued young Chad and brought him to his half-brother, Arthur.

Very little is known about Chad's adolescent years before coming to live with Arthur. Of those years we only know of his phobia of cows; an instance wherein young Chad stumbled whilst playing on a wall and tumbled headfirst into a vat of pig shit and was henceforth known in the town as "dipshit Chad"; as well as some writings of the time make reference to a bizarre incident with a pitchfork, three sheep, and the resulting rash on young Chadwick's genitals. The particulars of that story we will omit in this telling. If you have the means and are an adult, I highly recommend researching the story. It is a ribald tale! Positively randy!

While he knew his brother wasn't very bright, Arthur recalled his sad childhood growing up as an orphan (did we forget to mention that along with being a randy bachelor, Uther was a fucking prick and abandoned his love child?) and therefore didn't have the heart to push Chad away.

As Arthur was tasked with overseeing all of Britain, he didn't have a great deal of time to care for his teenage brother. The care and tutoring of Chad fell to whichever of Arthur's knights were around at the time. And those guys could be real dicks. While Chad learned nothing useful, he was forced to drink pig urine thrice, was suckered into eating befouled fruit, and lost a bet which required him to reenact the bizarre incident with a pitchfork, three sheep, and the resulting rash on young Chadwick's genitals.

Upon the event of Chad's nineteenth birthday, Arthur devised an adventure which would prove to all the other knights that Chad was now a man and worthy of their esteem.

Chad was tasked with hunting a stag and bringing its majestic corpse back to the castle. The night before his hunt, Chad was unable to sleep. Tossing and turning all night, he managed only brief fits of sleep over the course of nine hours. This lack of proper restfulness would lead to a most dispiriting day.

As the morning broke, young dipshit Chadwick gathered his armaments and headed towards the horse stable. Whereupon he slipped in some horse manure and reached out to catch himself before he fell headfirst into the remaining pile.

What he grabbed was something of value, indeed. Possibly not to young dipshit Chadwich, but to the horse whose testicles he was grasping the worth was inestimable.

The horse flew into a rage and rained a series of rapid fire kung-fu style kicks at and around young Chad's cranium.

And then he died.

Chad, that is. The horse lived for another ten years.

Pictured: King Arthur marrying Guinevere
Not Pictured: Dipshit Chad

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

15 Awesome Horror Movie Titles We Just Made Up

1. The Mangled Midget Returns!

2. Teatime of the Dead

3. The House That Dripped Blood and Entrails and Various Other Effluvium Like That Gooey Stuff In Your Eyes When You Oversleep

4. Afternoon of the Titmouse

5. I Saw When You Shit Your Pants That One Time

6. Glitter II

7. The Trees That Eat People But Only Really Slow People On Account Of Them Being Fucking Trees

8. Buttmasters From Beyond

9. What The Fuck? Part VII

10. Bloody Mary, Gooey Harry

11. 14 Inches of Vengeance (a horror porno)

12. Night of the Polychrotidae

13. Fuckmaster Tim Meets The Demon of Poughkeepsie

14. The Udderly Terrifying Tale of the Zombie Cows

15. Frankenstein Meets The Wolfman Meets That Creepy Preacher Guy From Poltergeist II

You want better photoshops? Buy a damn shirt!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Saturday Laziness

It's Saturday again!

On Saturday...we don't feel like working.

So being the lazy bastards we are, we will simply point you to some past things we have already written.

This week, we will use the five articles which garnered the most traffic for the week.

We will call this one the you guys are drunken perverts edition.

If you haven't read them, they are new to you.

Maybe you have already read them, maybe not. We don't really give a shit. Here they are again anyway.

How To Cockblock

10 Things Into Which I Put My Penis

15 Porn Parodies We'd Like To See

15 Terms We Just Made Up For A Vagina

5 Poems About Beer

Yep. These are the ones you guys check out the most. Kinda perverted, huh?

Not as bad as the searches that brought you here.

Yep. That is multiple people googling for ideas of where to place their penises. Or how to put a penis in a woman (which is beyond sad that someone needs to google that).

A lot of you actually take the time to search for how to cockblock. Of course, we did write a tutorial one it, so we probably shouldn't judge. But we are gonna do it anyway. You guys are shitty friends.

Enjoy your weekend.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Tutorials Rejected by eHow.com

The internet is a vast wasteland comprised mostly of pornography and pictures of cats wearing human clothing. And Big Damn Funny, of course.

But the internet can be a teaching tool. Google most anything and there is probably a tutorial written about the subject. And it was probably written by someone with absolutely no experience in that subject. One of the many sites which provide inexperienced user written tutorials is eHow.com.

While there are many fascinating and inane articles like How To Draw A Stickman, How To Draw A Stickwoman (for those idle doodlers of the female persuasion), and even How To Drink Beer, they don't accept just any article. No sir.

The following are some tutorials which were rejected by eHow.

How To Wave An American Flag

Things You'll Need:
An American flag
At least one arm


To truly and correctly wave an American flag, one mustn't be too uptight. Relaxation is key. This is probably the right time to open that beer. And then drink it.

Now that you are appropriately lubricated, you need to ease into the correct mindset. Begin thinking about "The Star Spangled Banner". Hum it softly to yourself. Should this fail elicit the proper degree of patriotism in your heart and loins, try something different. Maybe "America the Beautiful". Or "Eye of the Tiger".

At this point, I hope you brought at least one arm. You are gonna need it. Place your hand on the flagpole and hoist that bad boy up.

Commence waving the flag. Exude patriotism while doing so. Any casual watcher must immediately know that you are doing this for America. The greatest fucking country in the history of the universe.

Get another beer.

How To Program A VCR

Things You'll Need:
Two hands

To truly and correctly program a VCR, one mustn't be too uptight. Relaxation is key. This is probably the right time to open that beer. And then drink it.

You still have a VCR? How the fuck are you accessing the internet from 1985? Do you have a time machine? Can I borrow it? I made a shitload of mistakes in the late 1990's and I'd love to have another shot at that decade. Seriously.

How To Get The Electric Chair

Things You'll Need:
A Knife
Two hands
A wallet with multiple forms of ID

Make sure you are in a state which still performs execution by electrocution via the electric chair. There are only a handful of states which still use it. Most have switched to that pussy lethal injection crap. You don't want any of that.

Mosey on over to a house that doesn't appear to have any valid security. Break in.

I'm not gonna lie....this is probably the right time to open that beer. And then drink it.

Find the inhabitant of the house. And kill him. This is where the two hands and the knife come into play from the Things You'll Need list above.

Leave as much DNA evidence as possible at the scene. Jerk off on the guy. Piss on the floor. Cut your hand and make sure you drip some of your blood in some really obvious places.

Drop your wallet filled with multiple forms of ID near the body. Make sure it is in plain sight and didn't bounce under a couch or something. That would suck.

Go home, crack another beer, and wait for the cops.

Plead guilty.

It is pathetic that we have to actually take the time to say this...but don't actually use that last tutorial. Murder is wrong. Don't do it. Seriously.

If this thing gets a load of hits because a bunch of deranged assholes are actually googling "How to get the electric chair" I'm gonna lose all hope for humanity.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

15 Porn Parodies We'd Like To See

1. The Cockford Files

2. Cramington Steele

3. Emmanuelle Meets The Wolfman

4. Turner and Cooch

5. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Behind

6. The Chronicles of Mydick

7. Mystic Pussy

8. Willy Wanker and the Fudge Factory

9. Passenger 69

10. The Texas Chainsaw Ménage à trois

11. Uncle Fuck (with apologies to John Hughes)

12. Skin City

13. Benny & Poon

14. The Handmaid's Tail

15. The Good, The Bad and The Easy

Monday, August 9, 2010

The Napkin Chronicles, Part The Fourth

Like we outlined in our previous Napkin Chronicles, sometimes the Big Damn Staff goes to a bar to focus on writing new material. And sometimes that staff spends more time drinking and making each other than they do actually writing anything down.

And then the next morning hangovers pretty much rule out any kind of productivity for at least another day.

One of us did, however, scribble some silly cartoons on some napkins.

As always, hungover or not, we still have to update. So...the following is another update of The Napkin Chronicles.

If that's not good enough for you, I don't know if we can be friends anymore.

Also...we apologize for that last one. We were pretty drunk.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

My Life Is Catcher

Friday, August 6, 2010

The Inner Monologue of a Mime















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