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Monday, January 11, 2010

How To Fight Crime

We here at BDF like to share our wisdom with you loyal readers. Often times, we don't actually have any wisdom on a particular subject. When that happens....we make shit up.

Of course, if you are a loyal reader, you knew that anyway.

We have taught you how to give bad news, how to start a cult, and even how to declare independence.

But other than our tutorial on how to fly, we really haven't assisted any of you who may be thinking about entering the superhero vocation.

Until now.

BDF now presents you with a brief tutorial on how to fight crime.

Rename Yourself

There is a reason Bruce Wayne fights crime under the pseudonym of The Batman. One...Bruce is kind of a pussy name. Two...he already has that batsuit thing so the name really ties the whole thing together. But most importantly, three...his anonymity protects his friends and family from violent retribution from the criminals he nabs.

Some might say "But Batman doesn't have a family. His parents died when he was a kid and that's why he became Batman!"

But we would reply "Shut up, nerd."

In any case, you are going to need a bad ass crimefighting name. Try to find something that would strike terror in the hearts of villains everywhere while still sounding kinda macho and cool.

If you come up with nothing, there is always the old porn star name thing where you take the name of your childhood pet along with the name of the street where you grew up. It is better than nothing.

Procure A Vehicle

Fighting crime on foot sucks. Even cops use cars (except for those poor bastards on bicycles) and there is a very good reason for this: fighting crime on foot sucks.

Also, you will need a way to get your villain from point A (the scene of the crime) to point B (jail).

You will need something relatively spacious in case you nab multiple criminals at once. Or a single criminal who is morbidly obese.

But cost is a factor.

Batmobile: wildly out of your price range

1971 Ford Pinto: far more affordable

Find something within your budget and work from there.

Find A Criminal

At this stage, you will want to actively find a criminal in the act of committing a crime...and stop him!

There are various types of criminals that span the criminal spectrum. From the truly scary (serial killers, spree killers, etc.) to the far less terrifying (tax evaders, litterbugs, etc.). We recommend you start with the lesser scary criminal element.

As it is difficult to catch a tax evader unless you are an accountant and catching a litterbug just isn't really brag worthy (I'm pretty sure even Batman ignores them and Gotham city is trashy as hell) you should aim a little higher.

Your average burglars are easy to spot as they are known for wearing specific clothing common in their trade.

Black mask. Gloves. Dark clothing that sometimes has horizontal stripes. These are the hallmark of a burglar.

Basic burglar on the prowl

But beware! There is a serial criminal who is noted for dressing in this very fashion but this particular criminal wears a tie.

This is the Hamburglar.

Hamburglar on the prowl

While Officer Big Mac has been attempting to catch and imprison the Hamburgler for years...frankly, we figure the guy just wants a damn burger. Leave him be.

Once you have spotted your criminal, it is time to apprehend him. Now it would be prudent to read how to win a fight as criminals generally don't want to get apprehended and this one will most likely be antagonistic towards your goals of imprisoning him.

At this point, the real trick is to find a police officer who will be thankful for your efforts and not so much throw you in jail from the crime of vigilantism. Good luck!

A Final Note

It should really go without saying that if you try anything from any of our articles...you are probably an idiot. And you are seriously going to jail. Just get some Batman underoos on eBay and run around your house. That's what we do.

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