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Thursday, November 12, 2009

My Experiment With Sobriety

A few years back, we ran en experiment with invisibility in the hopes of bringing you dear readers some education and possibly some laughs. While we may have failed at both...we at least succeeded in wasting your time. So it is kind of a win for us.

We have recently discovered the journal of an ex-writer for BDF (he wasn't fired or anything. He died when his car exploded whilst attempting to create a time machine) who engaged in various experiments. The following was his experiment with sobriety.

3:03 PM

The first morning I awoke sober, it took me twenty minutes to make it to the bathroom. It isn't easy walking when nothing is spinning and your head doesn't feel like an evil midget is attempting to jackhammer his way out of your skull. My equilibrium was all off.

It wasn't until about noon that I finally learned to cope with the whole "feeling good and not hungover" thing. Kind of overrated, I must say.

Around one in the afternoon I started getting a little scared because I hadn't peed in about an hour. I'm used to needing to take a leak about every twenty minutes. I started worrying that something was wrong with my bladder. Or worse...my penis. I asked around and it turns out this is "normal".

9:48 PM

One of the first and most important things I have discovered is that pretty much none of my friends are as amusing as I thought they were. Sobriety shines a harsh light on the people in your life. At the same time, I learned that a lot more people dislike me than I realized. I guess you notice more shit with this whole sobriety thing.

Also, as it turns out...I'm not nearly as attractive as I thought I was. Which is a drag.

2:10 PM

I remember pretty much everything about the past day and a half. Which isn't as cool as one might think. Sometimes I don't want to remember shit. In fact, there is a lot of shit I want to forget directly after doing. Sobriety makes that well-nigh impossible. Which sucks.

Ironically, I learned that people seem to have more tolerance for the actions of a drunkard than they do for a sober person. I quickly learned that if you aren't tanked, the general public has very little patience for someone attempting to use God's urinals (a.k.a. trees) in public. The thing is, I do that shit all the time when I'm drinking and I can only think of three or fourteen times when someone yelled at me. It happened every single time yesterday. Fucking puritans.

Turns out, I'm not allowed to do this.

12:32 AM

I tried watching about five movies in my personal DVD collection and they weren't quite as funny as I recall them being. In fact, they all sucked. The weird thing is I just know that shit was still funny a mere two days ago. Strange.

One that that it cool, being able to drive everywhere. Much nicer than getting rides from sober people or calling cabs. Don't drink and drive, kids. It's bad. Seriously.

I find myself eating a lot less and never seem to hunger for that Taco Bell "fourthmeal". In fact, at no point during my experiment has Taco Bell seemed like a good idea at all. Normally, I am there three maybe four times a week. Around 3 A.M.

8:03 AM

I had initially thought about extending my experiment for a full week to see if there was an adjustment period...but it just sucked too hard. I am going out for a drink.

2:39 PM

Here is my advice: The next person you meet who has quit drinking and they keep going on and on about how fucking glorious their newly sober life is...be wary. They are probably just trying to pull you into their shitty world.

You know how when someone eats something shitty and then they blurt out "Oh fuck! This is awful....You gotta try it!" and then they try to goad you into eating something that you now know is fucking awful? I think people inherently try to spread their pain.

So don't listen to those folks. Just keep on keeping on. And have a beer. Or three. Whatever.

For anyone who wants to get their panties in a twist...we aren't advocating alcoholism. The article is a joke. Relax. Have a drink...or be sober. We don't care either way. Just don't be a dick about it. And loosen up.

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