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Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Mal-Formed Johnny: The Saga Begins

Many people* have asked emailed us, stopped us on the streets, or just generally harassed us about Mal-Formed Johnny. Who is he? Why is he our mascot? What are his favorite foods?

We will attempt to answer these in order:

1. As noted in our FAQ, Mal-Formed Johnny (or MFJ) is a product of free art software. That's the only excuse we have. We are poor. Period.

2. He is our mascot because that is what J.D. drew 11 years ago and we have just been going with it ever since.

3. Pizza, the Burger King Whopper, and beer.

But people want more. More information, more stories, more things we are fully prepared to make up on the spot right now. So the following is the first installment of the Saga of Mal-Formed Johnny.

Mal-Formed Johnny first came to this country on a boat with many Pilgrims headed for Plymouth, Massachusetts. MFJ himself wasn't fleeing persecution nor did he share any beliefs with those Pilgrims. He just really liked boats.

After one especially brutal winter, the local Native Americans brought sustenance to the Pilgrims and a grand feast was enjoyed by all.

Yep. I'm talking about Thanksgiving. That was the last Thanksgiving that MFJ was allowed to attend. The journal of William Bradford notes the reason:

...the strange fellow with the lopsided head grabbed hold of the mashed potatoes and refused to share with anyone except Squanto. After gorging himself, he made haste to the cider and quickly was consumed with sinful thoughts. Long story short, that weird fucker stripped nude and began chanting "I can kick everyone's ass at this table" until he passed out. What a dick....

Mal-Formed Johnny was soon politely asked to leave the colony. Being MFJ, he just ignored them citing his personal creed "those guys are just fuckers". Two days later, he was forcefully removed from Plymouth.

Did Mal-Formed Johnny sign the Declaration of Independence? Almost!

Unfortunately for MFJ, as the last man assigned to put his name to parchment he was punished with the cruel fate of having the pen ran out of ink just as he was about to place his John Hancock on the document.

In fact, MFJ planned to write his name really huge and put smiley faces around it to insure that your attention would be drawn to his name. Had he done that, maybe history would call it putting your "Mal-Formed Johnny" to paper as opposed to your "John Hancock".

We will never know.

Many years later, MFJ was a major part of another important event in American history: the civil war.

MFJ signed up and served his country fighting the rebels for President Abraham Lincoln. He claims he single-handedly turned the tide of the war in the North's favor.

We're pretty sure he's bullshitting that part.

In the late 1960's MFJ was a big proponent of the peace movement. Less so for political reasons and moreso for the drugs and sexy women. Like most hippies.

His long and winding road took him all the way to Max Yasgur's farm in Bethel, New York during the summer of 1969.

Three days of food, folks, fun, festivities, foul smells, and various other words that begin with the letter F. Mal-Formed Johnny had no problems with the ladies that summer. He had a really good stash of weed.

In future installments, we may explore how MFJ was involved in the prison uprising at Attica (he was doing 5-10 for larceny), his work with Dian Fossey in the mountain forests of Rwanda and how he is still exceptionally pissed about his omission from the film Gorillas in the Mist, and how he single-handedly built the Statue of Liberty.

* Literally nobody has emailed, stopped us on the streets, or generally harassed us about MFJ. But as a preemptive move, we wrote this article.

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