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Thursday, November 19, 2009

How I Would Deliver A Sales Seminar To A Bunch Of Gnomes If I Were A Minotaur

Good afternoon.

First off, let's go ahead and get it out of the way. Yes. I have a bull's head. But what I am about to teach you isn't bullshit. Ha!

OK. That joke was cheesy. Laugh it up. But I can reach the top shelf in the grocery store and I never have to suffer through lame Lord of the Rings jokes at my expense. So...point to me.

In any case, we are all here to learn to be better salespeople. Or, you know, salesgnomes in your case.

Kidding. Kidding.

First, you have to insure that your product is something your prospective client truly needs. If not, create that need. In short, lie.

In retrospect, I probably should have used a synonym for "short" instead of saying "short". Please don't take any offense. I wasn't casting any aspersions about your height challenges. Hell...I was short once. 'Course, I outgrew it.

Kidding. Kidding.

Incredibly shitty drawing of a Minotaur salesman

Anyhoo...your basic prospective customer wants to buy your product. He just doesn't know it. You gotta let him know what he wants. That's the key.

You gotta soften them up. Caress the ego. Treat them like cute little woodland creatures that need your protection. Act like little woodland Gnomes who...

Fuck. I did it again, didn't I?

Look. I'm no speciesist. I don't think Minotaurs are better than Gnomes. I have no animosity towards your people. None. There is no bigoted blood coursing through my mighty half-man half-bull veins, just as I hope there is no latent anti-Minotaur animosity meandering through your tiny-ass veins in your little bearded bodies.

So....we cool?

As a quick aside? Does the Travelocity gnome ever piss you off? I mean...it's like they are just asking people to kidnap your asses and take you on a voyage whether you want to or not. I'd like to see them try that shit with a mighty Minotaur! I mean hell...it took Theseus to take down one of my ancestors and he had two dads...one of which was fucking Poseidon! Now that is stacking the deck, you know?

But back to the subject at hand: sales. To be a truly magnificent salesman you have to get to know your customer. You have to be able to know what he wants and needs before even he does. Like that creepy King dude in the Burger King ads that always has a Whopper waiting for you before you even knew you were hungry. Something like that. But, you know, way less creepy.

You have to know that this is the life for you. You gotta commit. There is a lot of wining and dining folks. A lot of dealing with fragile egos. And there is a shitload of travel.

Hey, maybe you guys could get a deal from Travelocity?

You know what? I'm just gonna go.

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