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Thursday, November 5, 2009

How I Would Deliver A Commencement Address To A Class Of Werewolves If I Were A Vampire

As I stand here today, looking out at your bright shining and incredibly furry faces, it makes me think about how life can be a tricky labyrinth to maneuver. But this is your time. With youth comes vigor. I look out upon your visages and I see that vigor. Faces eager to attack the world. Itching to make your mark on history. And just generally itchy, I would imagine. What with all that fur.

Being a Vampire, I can't really identify with the burden of lycanthropy. From what I understand, your are cursed to transform into a wolf at each full moon. I, however, have the ability to turn into a wolf whenever I feel like it and then turn back. Or turn into something else. Like a bat. Or mist.

I gotta say, as far as creatures lurking under the full moon, you guys kinda got the fuzzy end of the lollipop compared to me. But then again, I will ignite in a raging inferno should I ever wander into sunlight. You guys can laze about getting a tan on a nice sandy beach. So you are up on me when it comes to that.

But that's kind of my point, we all have our crosses to bear. Speaking of crosses, I hope nobody brought any today. Those things kinda creep me out.

You have to find your passion and pursue it. And then make sure all your loved ones are securely secreted away on every full moon or there is a good chance that you are going to do some serious damage to them. Possibly even eat them.

But on the upside, every other day of the month you can just roll with regular people without anyone knowing that deep inside you lurks the mad desires of a fucking monster. Less so me. People like to think that vampires are all sexy and debonair. As you can tell by looking at me, I am less Bela Lugosi and more Nosferatu. It sucks, no pun intended.

So don't allow your curse to define you. Just make sure than when the horrible urge overtakes you...you are near somebody to whom you aren't particularly fond. Like a mime or something. Nobody misses them. Plus, they don't scream. And that will really cut down on the angry townspeople with torches and pitchforks, you know?

I guess I should probably share some wisdom with you before you journey out into the world to make your mark. I am approximately 320 years old so believe me, I have seen some shit. I've made a lot of mistakes, but luckily I literally have eternity to right my wrongs. Or at the very least, outlive whomever I may have fucked over. And that really comes in handy.

This one guy I used to hang out with, Pete, had the knack of always picking up the hottest women. He was a good looking guy, sure, but it was more about his presence, you know? Hanging out with me probably didn't hurt him either. I mean look at me. I look like a fucking drowned rat over here. Anyway, one night we were all out drinking and one thing led to another...and I kinda slept with Pete's girlfriend. Man...was Pete pissed! For the next year or so, I really had to lay low because he kept trying to stake my ass. Eventually, I just left the continent and was able to avoid Pete until he died.

So I guess I would advise you not to fuck your buddy's woman. Unless you are damn sure that you will outlive him. You werewolves aren't immortal, right? Well...then bummer for you. It does have it's upsides.

I'm probably just rambling at this point so I will try and wrap this up. Here's the thing, don't ever let anyone tell you what you can or can't be in this life. It is all up to you.

And whatever hinky rules your particular curse requires you to abide by. That definitely cramps the style a little.

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