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Monday, November 9, 2009

15 Incredibly Bad Excuses For Being Late

1. I put some miracle grow on my chia pet last night and this morning....well, have you ever seen The Day of the Triffids?

2. Sorry I'm late. I was busy banging your girlfriend. Not really. But that would be way worse than simply being late. Right? So...we're good?

3. I had a six pack of Smirnoff Ice, some Barenaked Ladies on the stereo...and I just plain lost track of time.

4. I didn't care enough to be here on time.

5. I had to wait for the Fed-Ex guy. My Richard Simmons: Sweatin' to the Oldies DVD arrived today. I can loan it to you if you want.

6. It took me a while to pick out the perfect pair of sweatpants.

7. There was a Facts of Life marathon on and I got totally sucked in. Oh...those girls. I worry about Natalie, though. She really needs to work on her self-esteem.

8. I would have been here but some important shit came up. I would tell you, but you are less important.

9. I'm agoraphobic. It took me a while to get out of the house.

10. You know, in Japan I'm right on time. You, however, are amazingly early.

11. I had to rearrange my garden gnomes. Timothy and Sir Bedevere aren't getting along this week so I had to separate them.

12. I'm trying to save on gas so I drove 20 mph the whole way here.

13. I've been taking these yoga classes and now that I'm more limber I wondered if I could...you know...well, after two hours of struggling, it turns out I can't. Yet.

14. I had to trim my scrote hair. That shit was getting way out of hand.

15. My car was in the shop over the weekend and they installed some kind of flux thingamajigger. I was racing to get here but when I hit 88 mph, some weird shit went down. Next thing I know, I am in 1955 my mom is trying to make out with me and I had to help my dad stop being a pussy. Long story short, sorry I'm late, man.

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