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Thursday, October 15, 2009

How To Declare Independence

There is one thing that every country has in common with every other country. They all are populated with people. OK. Two things. They are all populated with people and they all declared independence from somebody at some point.

If you feel that your country is letting you down in some fashion (or at bare minimum, you just really fucking hate your neighbors), you might want to think about shooting for independence.

Having done no actual research, I feel confident in telling you that declaring independence is actually quite simply. You just need to follow a few simple steps.

Land

You are going to need to mark out the territory of your soon-to-be-liberated country. If you own a home, try slowly working outward from there.

If you rent, you may be screwed. It is hard enough successfully gaining independence from another country...having a landlord arrive and fuck it up is just embarrassing.

Try making a rough outline with either chalk or a shitload of twine.

Also, try to take this seriously. If you use some of that novelty "police line" tape then you are just going to attract unwanted attention before you are even ready to get the independence ball rolling.



Good boundary




Shitty boundary


If your boundary still stands a week later, go ahead and assume that everyone else respects your arbitrary boundary and work from there.

The Declaration

You can't have independence until you declare it. This seems to be a pretty crucial step. Everybody has done it: Albania in 1912, Belgium in 1830, Finland in 1917, and Norway in 1814 among others.

Possibly the most famous, at least to Americans, is the United States Declaration of Independence. Being so famous and well written (at least I think it is...I have never actually read it) it might not hurt to use it as a template for your own declaration.

For instance, try something like this:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created , that they are endowed by their with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are .


When you are done penning/plagiarizing you are going to want to sign it and make it look all official. If you have some trusty comrades who plan to live in your newly liberated land, you should probably have them sign, too. The more signatures, the more official the whole thing will look.

Also, don't write it in crayon. That never looks very professional.

A Flag

Every country needs a flag. As you will be the youngest country in the world upon independence, you are going to want something that really sets the tone.

Take a cue from pirates with their impressively bold flags and try to shy away from ponies, rainbows, and puppy dogs. While you may love these things (and Lord knows we do) it just doesn't work so well for a flag.



Good flag




Shitty flag


If you need to find a middle ground, feel free to add a jaunty hat to the skull on your flag. That says "Hey...don't fuck with me." but also "I enjoy haberdashery".

Protection

Whenever somebody declares independence, some buzz kill has to show up and tell them they aren't allowed to do it. We in the industry (not the independence industry, the comedy industry. I don't think there is an independence industry) call these guys "fuckers".

When these guys show up, you are going to need some kind of show of force. While it isn't likely you have been able to amass a large armed force for the protection of your nascent country (especially if you chose to go with the pony flag) you merely need to put forth the illusion of strength.

Try some scarecrows all in a line. Like the apes used in Planet of the Apes (original, not shitty Tim Burton remake).





If it worked for gorillas on horseback, who are already scary as hell, it should work for you and your wussy friends.

A Final Note

It should really go without saying that if you try to gain independence from your mother country...you are probably an idiot. And you are seriously going to jail. That being said, in the off chance you succeed, we are always up for a good party in a newly liberated territory. You provide the beer, we will provide the us.

Comments :

6 comments to “How To Declare Independence”
Anonymous said...
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Absolutely hilarious from beginning to end.

mingswanfoo said...
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LMAO... This is one hell of a joke... I'd salute anyone who has the balls to do this!! LOL... Can someone please make a movie out of this?? I'm so paying for the tickets to watch it!! Get Will Farrel to do it... Hahahahahhahaha

Anonymous said...
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@mingswanfoo

FYI there was a TV program on the BBC a few years ago called "How To Start Your Own Country" in which someone declared independence in they're flat. Look up the Kingdom of Lovely on wikipedia :)

Anonymous said...
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I now really wana do this!!!!!!!!!!!

James Rawlinson said...
on 

I declared independence on Twitter and asked the UK government to recognise us. Technically, once you declare independence, you can run as a country until the government say otherwise, and as long as you state that you are a peaceful nation, they will probably not take any legal action, though you might get politely asked to stop.

Anonymous said...
on 

Isn't it high treason to the monarch in the UK?

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