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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Atlantis: The Truth

Many people wonder whether or not Atlantis ever existed. Some point out that had it never existed, why do we keep naming ships after the place? But still others point out the fact that naming ships doesn't prove a damn thing and that argument is largely fucking stupid.

But the fact is that Atlantis did exist. How do we know? Because we put some guys on it. And they found some stuff* which we are now writing about to educate the masses.

So now without any further ado, the truth about Atlantis.

Lost to ocean was the greatest superpower ever known: Atlantis. Some think that Atlantis wa sin the present day Mediterranean Sea, others in the Atlantic Ocean (hence the name). The truth is that both camps are wrong. Atlantis was actually located off the coast of India. "Atlantis" was the Atlantean term for "water" Being an island, water was pretty damn important to Atlanteans. All oceans were called "Atlantic" to them...because while they were technologically superior to all other cultures at the time, they were astoundingly uncreative.

Before the Great Typhoon of 5669 BCE, Atlantis was The Shit. All great thinkers, artists, pimps, and hobos flocked to the nation's shores. The great wealth of Atlantis was based one single ingenious discovery - booze.

Booze flowed in Atlantis like puss from a leper's crotch (although if we are going to use that metaphor we feel that we should point out that Atlantean booze was quite tasty and nothing at all like the rancid fluids from a leper's gaping sores). Atlantean's used this commodity to begin true civilization.

Brewers were treated as cultural leaders throughout Atlantis. Especially the elite weeders who cultivated a potent potable spirit from seaweed called Mad Weed 20/20.

As technology advanced, the desire to create and distribute a better brew became a driving motivation to Atlanteans. Soon enough, almost every genre of alcohol was being brewed in Atlantis. Beer brewers developed farming machinery in order to cultivate more land. These mighty machines are still used today and predominately produced by the proud Atlantean family of Deere.

Weeders developed mechanized transportation using water as fuel to better transport their product and to do so with greater haste.

Wineries contributed by developing various medicines and general medical technology to treat booze related injuries and illnesses...of which there were, and still are, many.

Unfortunately, so much effort and farm wisdom was being spent on the booze industry that the dairy industry never really developed. Consequently, osteoporosis and other bone density related problems were widespread due to the lack of calcium. That being said, those brittle motherfuckers did brew some good stout.

Dairy farming was given the same degree of importance as meteorology. Which is to say none at all.

When the Great Typhoon hit, Atlantis was screwed. Waves crashed down carrying the fragile Atlanteans out to see. Also, the breweries and corresponding technology was destroyed. Which is really the more important part.

Gone were the breweries, wineries, vineyards, etc. Gone. All gone because no one recognized that a few clouds on the horizon could mean trouble. Also, those big fucking waves were about to do some damage. So instead, ignorant Atlanteans continued working and brewing like crazed Smurfs. Albeit crazed Smurfs that weren't blue, were far more than three apples tall, and had serious bone density issues.

Slowly but surely, the rest of the world began developing their own methods of booze creation and various cultures and civilizations sprang forth from this need to get incredibly fucked up on Saturday nights.

None, however, could ever reach the heights of the great and lost Atlantean breweries. The glory that was Atlantis is sadly gone forever.

* By "found some stuff" we, as always, mean "we made this shit up".

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