Updated sporadically! Guaranteed!

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Saturday Laziness

It's Saturday again!

On Saturday...we don't feel like working. So here is something from our sister website...





Remember OZ?





We bring you an adventure for you to voyage upon....


Escape from Oz!


Good luck!

Enjoy your weekend.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Happy Halloween!

Halloween is upon us. If you have yet to choose a costume for whatever parties you will be attending this weekend, please allow us to provide you a very cheap option:

BDf presents, the official Mal-Formed Johnny Mask





Just download, print and cut out the mask. Use with literally any outfit. MFJ doesn't really have a certain style of dress so it is virtually impossible to dress incorrectly with this mask.

Should you feel the need to dress up with this mask, might we suggest a nice suit?





MFJ likes to go formal for holidays.

It helps get the pussy, you see. At least, that's what he claims.

Of course, he is a shitty cartoon, so we don't really believe him.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Atlantis: The Truth

Many people wonder whether or not Atlantis ever existed. Some point out that had it never existed, why do we keep naming ships after the place? But still others point out the fact that naming ships doesn't prove a damn thing and that argument is largely fucking stupid.

But the fact is that Atlantis did exist. How do we know? Because we put some guys on it. And they found some stuff* which we are now writing about to educate the masses.

So now without any further ado, the truth about Atlantis.

Lost to ocean was the greatest superpower ever known: Atlantis. Some think that Atlantis wa sin the present day Mediterranean Sea, others in the Atlantic Ocean (hence the name). The truth is that both camps are wrong. Atlantis was actually located off the coast of India. "Atlantis" was the Atlantean term for "water" Being an island, water was pretty damn important to Atlanteans. All oceans were called "Atlantic" to them...because while they were technologically superior to all other cultures at the time, they were astoundingly uncreative.





Before the Great Typhoon of 5669 BCE, Atlantis was The Shit. All great thinkers, artists, pimps, and hobos flocked to the nation's shores. The great wealth of Atlantis was based one single ingenious discovery - booze.

Booze flowed in Atlantis like puss from a leper's crotch (although if we are going to use that metaphor we feel that we should point out that Atlantean booze was quite tasty and nothing at all like the rancid fluids from a leper's gaping sores). Atlantean's used this commodity to begin true civilization.

Brewers were treated as cultural leaders throughout Atlantis. Especially the elite weeders who cultivated a potent potable spirit from seaweed called Mad Weed 20/20.

As technology advanced, the desire to create and distribute a better brew became a driving motivation to Atlanteans. Soon enough, almost every genre of alcohol was being brewed in Atlantis. Beer brewers developed farming machinery in order to cultivate more land. These mighty machines are still used today and predominately produced by the proud Atlantean family of Deere.

Weeders developed mechanized transportation using water as fuel to better transport their product and to do so with greater haste.

Wineries contributed by developing various medicines and general medical technology to treat booze related injuries and illnesses...of which there were, and still are, many.

Unfortunately, so much effort and farm wisdom was being spent on the booze industry that the dairy industry never really developed. Consequently, osteoporosis and other bone density related problems were widespread due to the lack of calcium. That being said, those brittle motherfuckers did brew some good stout.

Dairy farming was given the same degree of importance as meteorology. Which is to say none at all.

When the Great Typhoon hit, Atlantis was screwed. Waves crashed down carrying the fragile Atlanteans out to see. Also, the breweries and corresponding technology was destroyed. Which is really the more important part.

Gone were the breweries, wineries, vineyards, etc. Gone. All gone because no one recognized that a few clouds on the horizon could mean trouble. Also, those big fucking waves were about to do some damage. So instead, ignorant Atlanteans continued working and brewing like crazed Smurfs. Albeit crazed Smurfs that weren't blue, were far more than three apples tall, and had serious bone density issues.

Slowly but surely, the rest of the world began developing their own methods of booze creation and various cultures and civilizations sprang forth from this need to get incredibly fucked up on Saturday nights.

None, however, could ever reach the heights of the great and lost Atlantean breweries. The glory that was Atlantis is sadly gone forever.

* By "found some stuff" we, as always, mean "we made this shit up".

Monday, October 26, 2009

15 Things We Love About Mr. T

1. The fools he pities

2. The jewelry

3. Removing the jewelry after Hurricane Katrina

4. This video...





5. The mohawk

6. The feather earring

7. His brilliant work in Be Somebody... or Be Somebody's Fool!





8. His stunning moves in the first WrestleMania

9. The vest

10. The cereal





11. The voice (like you wouldn't buy a book on tape of Mr. T reading...anything?)

12. Rocky III

13. T. and T....OK. We have never actually watched this show. But it was probably awesome.

14. B.A. Baracus

15. All those times Mr. T and his young charges from the gym would solve crimes and help people



Thursday, October 22, 2009

Belgium: A Review

For years, we here at BDF have been voyaging far and wide* to learn about new cultures and then share our discoveries with you. Over time we have visited* and reviewed Norwegia, Sweden, and Finland among others.

We recently had a request in the comment section of an article to review Belgium. Actually, the commenter literally just said "Visit Belgium" so maybe he was employee of the Belgian Tourist Bureau or something. In any case, we took up the challenge.

Historically, Belgium was home for two primary linguistic groups: French-speakers and a smattering of German-speakers. (thanks Wikipedia!) But this is no longer the case. After the communist uprising of 1955, small cabals of rebels created a network of pirate radio stations to further the cause of liberating Belgium from the People's Party of Belgium. As time stretched on, technology grew and those pirate radio stations became pirate television stations. Pirate television stations that showed reruns of Star Trek. Alot.

Consequently, the rebels began speaking Klingon as a rudimentary code amongst themselves. Once the People's Party of Belgium was overthrown in 1987, Klingon became the official language of Belgium.



Not a Belgian (at least, he probably isn't)


Now some might point out that Klingon's never actually spoke the Klingon language in the original television show and in fact, the fictional language of the Klingon's wasn't created until Star Trek: The Motion Picture. But those people are nerds and we generally ignore nerds. Most people do. That's why they are nerds.

Many people know that a major city in Belgium is Antwerp. Antwerp is huge in the diamond trade. Huge. The reason that Belgium has access to so many diamonds is that Belgians create diamonds themselves. Literally.

It is a little known fact that while all human beings are carbon based, Belgians have a much higher percentage of carbon in their body. When an adult male of Belgian extraction limits himself to a diet of baked beans and cheese, the consequent constipation and buildup of gases leads to the creation of diamonds in the Belgian male's lower intestine. One month later, he will literally shit out a diamond. Because of how easy they are to create, Belgians don't put much value in diamonds.

Another fascinating oddity about Belgium is the fact that the country is completely devoid of trees. As such, Belgians are positively enthralled with leaves. Such is the Belgians enchantment with leaves that their entire monetary system is based upon them.



Not Belgium


Also, pretty much every household in the country owns at least two copies of Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree. That may have nothing to do with the leaf thing and may just be because it is an awesome book.

While Belgians don't value diamonds, they are aware that others do. As such, Antwerp is not only a major distributor of diamonds, but also of leaves. A 2 carat diamond goes for about a pound of red leaves or two pounds of green leaves. Yellow leaves hold no worth for Belgians as they believe that those leaves are unripe.

If you feel that it is wrong for so many diamond brokers to take advantage of the poor Belgians and their passion for leaves, you might want to check out the official website of Belgium and search for a good contact address. And then send them some bags of leaves. Lots of them.**

There are many other amazing and true*** facts about Belgium we could share with you, but time and space doesn't allow further exploration at this time. But we will tell you this, should you ever choose to visit Belgium there is one thing that you need to know: much like their neighbors the French, the denizens of Belgium fucking love mimes. Those silent bastards are everywhere in that country. Everywhere.

* By "visited" we mean "completely made shit up from the comfort of our homes".

** There is a very good chance the Belgian government won't find this funny. But we will.

*** Virtually nothing in this article is true.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Karaoke: The 5 Types Of Singers

Sometimes you just get a burning desire to grab a beer or five. Possibly even some booze. When this happens, you often need to go to a bar.

And sometimes that bar is doing Karaoke. And it is gonna fuck up your whole night.

You have two choices here: find another bar or stay.

Finding another bar requires leaving, then driving somewhere else. This takes time. You are already in a bar. You can see the shiny bottles of awesome from where you are standing. You mouth, stomach, and brain all want some of that. It looks like you are probably staying.

If you are going to stay, and you most likely are, then here is a brief primer of the kinds of people you are damn near guaranteed to see that night. Unfortunately, this is one of the few times that booze won't make it better. Buckle up and ride that shit out.

The Rockstar

This guy forgets that nobody actually paid money to see him "perform". While in reality, he is in a bar demolishing someone else's music...in his head, he is headlining at Madison Square Garden and melting your face with rock!





This guy tries way too hard. He is probably in a band. And when the song ends, he will usually take the opportunity to shout out his bands next two dates. And they are probably at an open mike night in another shitty bar...that you should avoid at all costs.

The "Cute" Girls

Sometimes these girls are actually cute. More likely, they are really cute in their own heads...but reality begs to differ.

There is a good chance they are going to do Madonna. There is an even better chance that it is gonna suck.





And they think they are sexy as hell while they are doing it. And they couldn't be more wrong.

The Really Big Fan

This guy is a really big fan of one particular artist...and that guy's work is all he sings. Poorly.



Points for dressing like Elvis. Negative points for thinking he's Elvis.


This guy will probably sing two or three songs in the course of the evening. And he will be getting progressively drunker with each song. And they will get progressively shittier. But for you...it will get progressively painfully funnier each and every time.

The Taking-It-Down-A-Notch Guy

After various people destroying rock songs, drunk girls annihilating pop tunes, and that one dude attempting to do Johnny Cash's entire oeuvre in one night...this guy decides to take it down a notch and sing something to, and for, the ladies.





And it's probably gonna fucking suck. Hard.

But he doesn't give a damn what you think. This shit is for the ladies.

The Karaoke Operator

This person usually sings quite well. And he will let you know...by singing about ten songs a night. He will start the evening with a tune, and end the evening with a tune...and sing a song in between every other person.

The guy owns the equipment, so I guess he is entitled. But maybe he could play American Idol at home where the rest of us don't have to watch.

If you are stuck in a Karaoke bar, there is a good chance you are gonna see at least three of these types of people. Should you drink enough, there is a possibility that you will become one of these types of people.

But sometimes...just sometimes....you get to see something like this:





And then it is all worth it.

Monday, October 19, 2009

5 Haikus About Food Product Mascots

We are all familiar with the literary form Haiku. Seventeen syllables divided into three lines: 5,7,5. The following are 5 haikus about food product mascots.



Twinkie the Kid

Oh, Twinkie the Kid
Never saw you shoot a man
But I'll bet you could



Mrs. Butterworth

Your syrup is fab
I pour you on my pancakes
Damn...you're kinda hot



The Jolly Green Giant

One big green fucker
You are in charge of veggies
I won't fuck with you



Cap'n Crunch

Captain, my Captain
You keep the soggies at bay
Then....tear up my mouth



Kool Aid Man

You bring the Kool-Aid
You scream "Oh Yeah!" through the wall
You fucked up my house





Saturday, October 17, 2009

Saturday Laziness

It's Saturday again!

On Saturday...we don't feel like working.

So being the lazy bastards we are, we will simply point you to some past things we have already written.

We will call this one the animals and insects edition.

If you haven't read them, they are new to you.

Maybe you have already read them, maybe not. We don't really give a shit. Here they are again anyway.


The Titmouse

The Naugabeast

The Pleatheraptor

Amazingly True Facts: Animals

Amazingly True Facts: Insects



Enjoy your weekend.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

How To Declare Independence

There is one thing that every country has in common with every other country. They all are populated with people. OK. Two things. They are all populated with people and they all declared independence from somebody at some point.

If you feel that your country is letting you down in some fashion (or at bare minimum, you just really fucking hate your neighbors), you might want to think about shooting for independence.

Having done no actual research, I feel confident in telling you that declaring independence is actually quite simply. You just need to follow a few simple steps.

Land

You are going to need to mark out the territory of your soon-to-be-liberated country. If you own a home, try slowly working outward from there.

If you rent, you may be screwed. It is hard enough successfully gaining independence from another country...having a landlord arrive and fuck it up is just embarrassing.

Try making a rough outline with either chalk or a shitload of twine.

Also, try to take this seriously. If you use some of that novelty "police line" tape then you are just going to attract unwanted attention before you are even ready to get the independence ball rolling.



Good boundary




Shitty boundary


If your boundary still stands a week later, go ahead and assume that everyone else respects your arbitrary boundary and work from there.

The Declaration

You can't have independence until you declare it. This seems to be a pretty crucial step. Everybody has done it: Albania in 1912, Belgium in 1830, Finland in 1917, and Norway in 1814 among others.

Possibly the most famous, at least to Americans, is the United States Declaration of Independence. Being so famous and well written (at least I think it is...I have never actually read it) it might not hurt to use it as a template for your own declaration.

For instance, try something like this:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created , that they are endowed by their with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are .


When you are done penning/plagiarizing you are going to want to sign it and make it look all official. If you have some trusty comrades who plan to live in your newly liberated land, you should probably have them sign, too. The more signatures, the more official the whole thing will look.

Also, don't write it in crayon. That never looks very professional.

A Flag

Every country needs a flag. As you will be the youngest country in the world upon independence, you are going to want something that really sets the tone.

Take a cue from pirates with their impressively bold flags and try to shy away from ponies, rainbows, and puppy dogs. While you may love these things (and Lord knows we do) it just doesn't work so well for a flag.



Good flag




Shitty flag


If you need to find a middle ground, feel free to add a jaunty hat to the skull on your flag. That says "Hey...don't fuck with me." but also "I enjoy haberdashery".

Protection

Whenever somebody declares independence, some buzz kill has to show up and tell them they aren't allowed to do it. We in the industry (not the independence industry, the comedy industry. I don't think there is an independence industry) call these guys "fuckers".

When these guys show up, you are going to need some kind of show of force. While it isn't likely you have been able to amass a large armed force for the protection of your nascent country (especially if you chose to go with the pony flag) you merely need to put forth the illusion of strength.

Try some scarecrows all in a line. Like the apes used in Planet of the Apes (original, not shitty Tim Burton remake).





If it worked for gorillas on horseback, who are already scary as hell, it should work for you and your wussy friends.

A Final Note

It should really go without saying that if you try to gain independence from your mother country...you are probably an idiot. And you are seriously going to jail. That being said, in the off chance you succeed, we are always up for a good party in a newly liberated territory. You provide the beer, we will provide the us.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Another Sweet Dose Of Short Shitty Fiction

As the door slammed shut and the lights went out, Bruce felt a cool shill envelop him. He tried to feel around but the area was too small to adequately move. Elbows crashing into dark foreign objects, Bruce fumbled for the door. It was sealed.

As panic began to set in, Bruce thought about screaming.

"No," he thought to himself, "useless. There is nobody who will help me."

Bruce realized that he needed to think clearly and calmly. This was not the time to go off half-cocked and start screaming like a banshee with it’s tits in a ringer. As best he could in the confined space, he felt around the door. No luck. It was tight. Tighter than your date’s legs on prom night.

Bruce slowly and carefully felt around for something he could use as a tool to pry the door open. There were very few objects in there with him. A cardboard carton of some kind, and a few squishy spherical objects. Bruce squeezed one too hard and a slimy juice exploded all over his hand and splashed his face.

"Fuck!" he cried out.

Leaning as far back as possible, Bruce tried to bring his legs forward in an attempt to kick the door down. No go. It was just too damn tight in there. Tighter than a nun’s junkbox.

Bruce was quickly growing quite cold. Had he been wearing more than simply his boxer shorts, he would still be cold, as it was, he was fucking freezing. And it felt like it was continuing to get colder.

Rubbing his hands together and breathing on them didn't seem to be making a noticeable difference. In fact, the friction was starting to be uncomfortable. Bruce stopped and attempting to look at his palms. It was still too dark to see anything.

He gingerly felt his palms with his fingertips. They were rough and slightly torn. As Bruce exhaled, he felt his cold breath reflect back at him.

"This is an exceptionally small place," he mumbled to himself. Attempting to get comfortable, Bruce accidentally rammed his elbow into something.

"Fuck!"

Bruce rubbed his elbow and cursed again under his breath. Soon enough, he felt himself growing lethargic.

"Maybe I should just rest," he thought to himself. "A little rest to regain my energy."

As the cold enveloped him, Bruce felt himself drifting to sleep.

As he slowly slipped into the arms of Morpheus, Bruce made an oath to himself.

"If I ever get out of here, this is the last time I try to jerk off in the refrigerator. This shit is embarrassing."

Bruce kept his word. He never did try again.

Then again, he never got out. Bruce died.

And that shit was embarrassing.

The End.

Monday, October 12, 2009

5 Haikus About Junk Food

We are all familiar with the literary form Haiku. Seventeen syllables divided into three lines: 5,7,5. The following are 5 haikus about junk food.



So tasty looking
Until you start to bore me
I hate you fireballs



I love Snickers bars
Packed with peanuts...and awesome
Hunger is your bitch



Yum, cotton candy
Blue or pink sugar goodness
My dentist hates you



Red Bull is rough
It will give me fucking wings
And then I crash...hard



Doritos are good
Cheesy corn and MSG
Fuck that Cool Ranch shit

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Saturday Laziness

It's Saturday again!





Enjoy more Python at your leisure with the entire Monty Python's Flying Circus DVD set.

All the cool kids are doing it. I'm just saying...





Enjoy your weekend.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

The Napkin Chronicles Revisited

Like we outlined in our previous Napkin Chronicles, sometimes the Big Damn Staff goes to a bar to focus on writing new material. And sometimes that staff spends more time drinking and making each other than they do actually writing anything down.

And then the next morning hangovers pretty much rule out any kind of productivity for at least another day.

One of us did, however, scribble some silly cartoons on some napkins.





As always, hungover or not, we still have to update. So...the following is another update of The Napkin Chronicles.





















If that's not good enough for you, I don't know if we can be friends anymore.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

More Big Damn History: POTUS

As an addendum to an earlier article, we have taken the time to dig up some more amazing facts about past American Presidents.

James A. Garfield was born of Welsh ancestry. As it is common knowledge that the Welsh as well as the Finnish are shape shifters, so too, Garfield inherited this fascinating trait. While he would spend many a leisurely afternoon in the form of a cat roaming the halls of the White House, others in his cabinet were forced to do the real work of governing the nation.



James A. Garfield in his favored form of a cat


Unfortunately for Garfield, he wasn't able to shape shift in time to avoid the bullet fired by Charles J. Guiteau on July 2, 1881 which took his life.

While many people who read the above sentence know that President James Garfield was fatally shot on July 2, 1881 becoming only the second President assassinated in U.S. history. Many of those same people know that Chester A. Arthur then ascended to the Presidency and served for four years. What many of those people don't know is that there never was a Chester A. Arthur.

Arthur was a completely fictional creation. The Democrats and Republicans secretly formed a coalition government and hired an out of work New York actor named Charles Hallman to play the role of "Chester A. Arthur". The coalition government was so successful that their fictional front man, Arthur, is roundly considered "The Father of Civil Service" and no less than Mark Twain himself said of Arthur "No man ever entered the Presidency so profoundly and widely distrusted, and no one ever retired...more generally respected."

For some reason, the two parties have never attempted another coalition and the fictional Arthur's legacy stands as the only evidence that sometimes people in Washington aren't total douchebags.

Franklin Pierce is an often forgotten President not having the name caché of a Kennedy or Bush, nor was he lucky enough to be printed on a bill or carved into Mount Rushmore. But Pierce was important for one single reason: he was a cyborg sent from the future to capture the Presidency and keep America from being destroyed forever.

Had Cyborg-Pierce never been sent back through time, Winfield Scott would have won the Presidency handily. Unfortunately, three months later he would have died from food poisoning due to the ingestion of some bad salmon. At that point, Vice President William Graham would have ascended to the Presidential office and immediately instigated a devastating 28 year war with Canada that would have ended with Minnesota, Montana, and both Dakotas being annexed by Canada. By 1886, five years after the American/Canadian war ended, Canada would be well on its way to becoming the world superpower we now know America to be.



Cyborg-Pierce reaching for his laser pistol


Thankfully for freedom and the American way, some disgruntled super-patriots spent fifteen years creating a cyborg and by 2018, Franklin Pierce was ready to be sent back in time to stop the travesty that President Graham had wrought. True story.

Martin Van Buren served as both the 8th Vice President (under Andrew Jackson) and the 8th President. Serendipity, right? In truth, Van Buren didn't matter a whit in either capacity and most people today simply ignore his existence. Sure, in an earlier article we mentioned Van Buren's interesting work with hamsters and time travel utilizing a machine he crafted from tampons and aluminum foil, but none of that was done while in office and as such has been largely forgotten.

In fact, in 1976 a major publisher produced a bicentennial series of Presidential encyclopedias. Even though there had been 38 Presidents up to that point, there were only 37 volumes. Van Buren didn't make the cut. Even the fictional Chester A. Arthur made the series. Poor Van Buren.

Fascinating!

In further installments of this series, we will examine how Millard Fillmore discovered rock n' roll and designed the Fillmore Auditorium to feature this fascinating new form of music, Zachary Taylor's early line of hip-hop clothing designed 220 years before hip-hop was created, as well as Calvin Coolidge's passionate love of roots music and clogging.

Monday, October 5, 2009

15 Signs You Aren't A Tree

1. You have no innate ability to engage in photosynthesis.

2. Trees don't masturbate. Don't lie...we all know you do.

3. The Lorax wasn't talking about you.

4. You wear T-Shirts

5. While you may occasionally get wood, you are not primarily comprised of the substance.

6. Trees get termites, people get scabies. Which have you had?

7. Trees drop their seeds all over the ground. Then again...I guess some people do too.

8. Trees don't watch porn. You do.

9. Trees don't have the internet...yet you are reading this list.

10. That one time when you stayed out really late partying hard with your pals and then the next day you were super hungover for class? Yeah...trees don't do that.

11. Unlike you, trees don't like blowjobs.

12. Dog's don't pee on you. At least I hope they don't. If so...that's kinda fucked up.

13. Birds do not roost in you.

14. Nobody has ever chopped you down and made a cabin from your corpse.

15. Regardless of what fantastical lies you may tell the ladies, that stuff that comes out of you isn't syrup.



Pictured: not you

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Saturday Laziness

It's Saturday again!

On Saturday...we don't feel like working.

So being the lazy bastards we are, we will simply point you to some past things we have already written.

We will call this one the historical edition.

If you haven't read them, they are new to you.

Maybe you have already read them, maybe not. We don't really give a shit. Here they are again anyway.



Big Damn History

Big Damn History: POTUS

Life Lists

Lesser Known Dr. Seuss Books

Little Known Quotes

Ye Olde Damned Funny



Enjoy your weekend.

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