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Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Pennsylvania: A Review

Back in 2005, we took a look at Ohio. Since then, we have visited* and reviewed Norwegia, Sweden, and Finland among others. Now we turn our gaze back to the United States and take a look at Pennsylvania.

Pennsylvania, one of the original 13 colonies, got its name from the original charterholder William Penn. Penn was a Quaker who came to the New World searching for a hospitable environment to to express his faith...through dance. Penn believed that dancing brings you closer to God. In fact, the name of the state, Pennsylvania, roughly translates to Penn's Discotheque. True story.

Geographically speaking, PA has mountains, valleys, and brief stretches of flatland. This has led to the creation of many diverse cultures across the state, most notably the division of drinking "soda" in the east as opposed to those who partake of "pop" in the west. While this silly semantic feud dates back to the early 1700's, there is still a sense of civil unrest over the subject.

While most Pennises (as the people are called) are average Americans there are two notable and distinct sects within the state. To the lower east of the state are the Pennsylvania Deutch a.k.a. Pennsylvania Dutch a.k.a The Amish a.k.a. Those Dude With Buggies. Not much is known about the strange, mysterious, and insular group except this: they are strange, mysterious and insular.

While they are outwardly very quiet and religious, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. There have been rumors for years that the Amish have been slowly infiltrating the world of the "English" (their term for the non-Amish) via the implantation of mind control devices in their exceptionally well-made handcrafted wood furniture as well as subliminal messages in their quilts. Only time will reveal the truth about these rumors. Well, that and the day those quiet mysterious bastards take over America. That will be a bit of a giveaway, too.

To the middle and west of PA lies the Allegheny range of the Appalachian Mountains. The folk who reside there are even more strange, mysterious, and insular that the Amish. The people of the Allegheny's are descended from a single troupe of mimes who voyaged here in 1620 on a slower and less famous ship, The Julyflower. Tides being the bitch they are, The Julyflower landed several hundred miles south of Plymouth. The Mimes were not only bad navigators but their primitive form of communication consisted of attempting to exit boxes and constantly finding oneself abutting an invisible wall. This lack of Mime terminology for such simple phrases as "Holy shit, we're going the wrong way!" and "I don't think the Captain knows what the fuck he's doing" only made the situation worse.

Once landed, the insular troupe of Mimes moved slowly westward in search of a paradise devoid of mocking and assbeatings where they could enter and escape invisible boxes at their leisure. And make Moonshine. And trust me, if you've never had Allegheny Mimeshine, you don't know what you are missing. It will make you see Elvis. That's a fact.

While Allegheny Mimeshine used to be passed all over the country from drunkards in-the-know to other drunkard in the-know-who had money to pay for it, eventually the glut of Mimeshine tapered off. The reason for this change was an even in 1830. Due to a still explosion, an alien spacecraft was unearthed that had spent countless millennia buried deep within a mountain. Since then, the already silent and distrusting group has moved even further outside the mainstream, shunning outside visitors. They now spend their days and nights searching those mountains for more signs of alien visitors.

They still make the Allegheny Mimeshine, though. If you want to score some, take interstate 51 into Allegheny County. After about five miles, you'll see a fireworks stand by the side of the road. Buy three boxes of sparklers and ask for "Harry". The man in the stand will give you further directions.

* By "visited" we mean "completely made shit up". We've never actually set foot in any of these countries...as you can probably tell from our reviews.

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