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Monday, September 21, 2009

The Lost Tale Of Paul Bunyan

Many tales of the mighty Paul Bunyan have been told. People young and old know that Bunyan created the Grand Canyon by dragging his mighty axe behind him, how the footprints of Bunyan and his companion Babe the Blue Ox made the holes that later became Minnesota's 10,000 lakes, and how he created Mount Hood by piling rocks to put out his campfire.

But there are other tales. Tales that while just as fascinating and impressive aren't really appropriate for family consumption hence they didn't make it into the more popular print editions of Bunyan's tall tales.

This is one of those tales.

Dawn had just cracked when Paul Bunyan headed out with his comically oversized axe accompanied by his equally large trusty blue ox Babe and it would be well into evening by the time Bunyan hung up his giant axe and sat down to his nightly meal of pancakes, a stack the size of which would bring tearful awe to even the most jaded of pancake aficionados, and drenched in rich gooey syrup. It is the events that happened within that span that makes this tale interesting.

Artist's representation of Paul Bunyan

After having eaten his monstrous 30 foot tall stack of pancakes for breakfast, Bunyan and Babe set out to begin their days activities of logging, singing lively lumberjack songs, and just generally being fucking huge.

On that day, Bunyan went about his way hewing trees left and right as he did everyday (except Sundays...Bunyan always kept holy the Sabbath) but after two hours of labor, he was struck dumb by an enchanting vision.

Gerðr, the giantess wife of Norse god Freyr, had taken this very day and this very moment to venture to America and see this brave new world. While bathing in one of the many giant lakes which had formed from a bootprint left behind by Bunyan, Gerðr was spotted by Bunyan (and technically, also spotted by Babe the ox, but being an ox and not a human Babe didn't really give a shit about an abnormally large naked woman).

Suddenly, Bunyan felt a stirring. That stirring quickly morphed into an arousing. And that arousing was rapidly growing into a veritable stimulation. All of which was taking place in Paul Bunyan's pants. Specifically, in the crotch area.

Disturbed by this strange new pants predicament, Bunyan unzipped his pants to investigate this trouser happening. And what followed quickly became the stuff of legend.

Less talented and far more drunk artist's representation of Paul Bunyan

As his pants loosened, Bunyan's engorged member ripped forth and sprung outward towards the heavens. So magnificent was this enormous phallus that people miles away could see it and since that time many an obelisk has been erected in his honor the most famous of which is, of course, The Washington Monument.

Gerðr looked up from her naked aquatic activities and smiled coquettishly at the blushing lumberjack. That was the straw the broke the camel's back. By "straw" we mean "pinnacle of erotic excitation" and by "broke the camel's back" we, of course, mean "made Bunyan lose his shit".

The treetops and buildings were soon covered in a opal-colored substance looking much like snow. Bunyan sighed a sigh so great that it shook the mountains miles off in the distance.

And then he took a nap.

An hour later, a couple of fellow lumberjacks, Tom and William, happened upon that clearing and mistook the situation for a fluke winter storm. Until they touched the faux snow. Then the true nature of the situation become clear to the poor men.

Those poor lumberjacks were never the same after that. Tom had reoccurring nightmares for the remaining sixteen years of his life and William was found having hanging from the rafters of his cabin three days later. The suicide note rambled a bit, but the constant refrain of "The spooge! The horrible spooge!" made it clear from whence his depression sprung.

Paul Bunyan awoke from his slumber four hours after having fallen asleep. By that time, Gerðr was nowhere to be seen. Saddened but feeling refreshed, Bunyan went ahead and engaged in another session of boxing with Roland.

"Boxing with Roland" was the term lumberjacks used in the 1800's for masturbation. No one quite knew why. It just had a peppy zing to it that the lumberjacks found satisfying. The euphemism, that is. Obviously, everyone finds masturbation satisfying.

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