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Thursday, September 17, 2009

How To Fly

Many superheroes can fly. Some were born with the ability, others gained it in a bizarre accident or via some special object discovered/given to them. Comics are kooky like that. But what all the heroes have in common, regardless of where their abilities came from, is that none of them knew they could fly until they were put in a situation where flight was the only escape.

Actually, I don't really know that for a fact. But it's how the guy in Heroes discovered his powers of flight, so I am just going to use that as a microcosm for all flight powered heroes.

As we highly doubt you have a personal evil arch-nemesis who is constantly putting you in impossible states of affairs which force you to utilize heretofore unknown abilities...this situation has probably never arisen in your day to day life. But that doesn't mean you can't fly. Necessarily.

There is only one way to know for sure...you gotta try!*

There are many methods to initially discovering your ability to fly. We will cover the most prevalent ones which you can try at your leisure.

Pushing Off The Ground

This is the quickest way to know if you have the power of flight. You can test it anywhere there is ground beneath you...which should be literally everywhere or it turns out you are flying already.

Harness your chi. Focus and push your will down towards the Earth below. Now push.

If you were unable to launch like the kid in the above video, relax. It's OK. Besides, that kid cheated and used Adobe After Effects.

Moving on. Let's try...

Attaining Velocity

For this method, you will need to find something really tall. Like a mountain. Or a cliff. In a pinch, you could use your roof. Make sure you have plenty of running space. You gotta get some speed before launching yourself off the edge and into the big beautiful sky. Which is what you are going to attempt to do.

I'm not gonna lie to you...there is a 99.9% chance that this method will result in serious harm to your person leading up to, and including, a horrible painful death.

If that happens, you probably did it wrong.

Falling Into Flight

If you survived the previous two methods and they didn't work, perhaps you are more like a bat than a bird. Bats cannot take off into flight but instead need to drop into it. To see if you are like a bat, try this method.

Again, find something really tall. Step to the edge. Now fall.

Are you flying yet? If the ground is accelerating towards your face at an incredible rate...you aren't.

You are, however, going to die. Look at the upside, though. It might end up on YouTube. Posthumous fame is still fame.

If you have tried all these methods and are somehow still alive, unfortunately you cannot fly.

The fact that you are still alive, however, points to the possibility of another superpower...invulnerability. Which is still sorta like Superman...but not as cool as being able to fly. Not as cool at all.

So I guess what I am saying is that we can't hang out anymore.

* Please...for the love of all that is good, don't try any of these methods. If you do...you are probably going to die. Painfully. And we can't be held responsible just because you are a fucking idiot who tests stupid shit from a humor site. Be smart. Accept the fact that you cannot fly.

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