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Monday, September 14, 2009

How I Would Deliver A Motivational Speech To A Bunch Of Zombies If I Were A Golem

So...fellow undead.

Well, let's make something clear here; you are the reanimated corpses of previously dead humans brought to life via nefarious means - whether that be mad scientist, virus gone awry (which, I suppose, was probably also created by a mad scientist), or some crazy spaceprobe bullshit. I, however, was lovingly handcrafted from Earth and clay and given life via the righteous rituals of a rebel Rabbi.

Alliteration is so cool.

But I think we have a lot in common. Dead? Yep. Walking the Earth? Indeed. Eating brains? Less so me.

But I feel that the point stands. We have a lot of shit in common, you guys and me.

None of us chose our plight in life (unlife?) but here we are all the same. Largely ostracized by those with a pulse and a soul. Now I ask you, is that fair? Not really. But then again, I can kinda see where they are coming from. If I was alive I would be shitting buckets if I saw a herd of you folks on my front lawn when I went out to grab the morning paper.

That being said, I am not alive. None of us are. We aren't allowed to apply for jobs, we rarely to never score any chicks, and we are conspicuously lacking souls. Which sucks. On the upside for me, I will just return to dust. You guys are going straight to hell.

Shitty artist's representation of a Golem

Even though your plight in life sucks all the monkey balls, I say to you, don't be too hard on yourselves. You still have a lot to offer. Mainly in the pillaging and cannibalism departments.

But there is irony in that these people that are so terrified of you continue making movies about you. Some have been pretty fucking fantastic like Night of the Living Dead, Re-Animator and even Shawn of the Dead.

Planet Terror kinda sucked but these things happen. Clearly Robert Rodriguez just overreached on that one.

But at least you guys have movies. I got virtually nothing outside of an old silent film trilogy made by Paul Wegener...only one film of which survives. Just my luck, eh?

You have a lot of literature, too. Stephen King's Cell is pretty fucking great. I've heard a lot of good things about World War Z, too. And while I have always considered Richard Matheson's I Am Legend to be about Vampires, a lot of people consider is a Zombie novel (and definitely more so in some of the filmed versions) so I will go ahead and give that one to your guys, too.

All I have is Gustav Meyrink's Der Golem and that shit was back in 1914. Nobody cares about the ole Golem anymore, do that? Shit. The other day some teenage asshole asked me if I was the creepy fucker from Lord of the Rings. "That's Gollum, motherfucker. I'm a Golem," I said to him. I don't think it sunk in.

If nothing else, pop culture loves you. Sure, people generally hate and fear you but they take the time to make great art with you as the subject. There is something to be said for that.

A bunch of zombies

Look on the upside, short of having your brains completely obliterated, you literally cannot die. 'Cause you are already dead. If you think about it, there has to be some sort of military capability in there somewhere. You guys might want to look into that. Seriously.

My point is that you gotta think outside the box. Being the undead kinda sucks, but there are probably shittier things. Like being a Hungry Ghost. Or a Mime. Or Dane Cook.

Why not just get out there and see what the world has to offer? It could surprise you. You life, or unlife I guess, it what you make of it. You could just lumber around aimlessly and attack anyone slow and dumb enough to fall into your carnivorous clutches...or you could hit the road and see what adventures await you.

And maybe you guys could lay off eating the brains of Jews. You know, for me. What do you say?

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