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Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Blog Of Mario

3:02 AM

I swear...I get the shittiest calls. There are plumbing problems all over this damn city today and the last call we get I am the only guy left in the office. So I take the call. This apartment is just destroyed with water everywhere...and why? Because the owner has a damn pet ape. The ape was fucking around with the pipes under the sink and tore them right out of the wall.

Five hours later, I get everything fixed but the guy refuses to pay me. Instead he gives me the ape.

What the fuck am I going to do with an ape?

4:02 AM

That damn ape is trying to hump my fridge. At first it was funny....

I would take a picture and upload it, but I can't get the damn ape to stand still.

I do, however, have a little Pez keychain that looks a lot like him. Here is a photo of that.

So he kinda looks like that. But way bigger and far less of a keychain filled with candy.

2:02 PM

I come home for a quick lunch and that fucking ape has shit all over the kitchen. He's flinging poo everywhere. I'm gonna kill him.

6:02 PM

I come home and there is a hastily scrawled note on the fridge (stuck there with ape poo. nice) that tells me that damn ape has taken off with my girlfriend Pauline. Apes can write? When the fuck did this happen?

2:02 AM

Now that was a long ass day. The damn ape had climbed up some weird girder thing and he was throwing barrels and shit at me while Pauline just stood there. She just stood there! She didn't try to hit the ape, run away, or anything. Just stood there. Well, I rescued her but I don't see this relationship lasting too much longer. Seriously. She just stood there!

2:02 AM

So I get another weird call. Lucky me, right?

At some construction site, they are having problems with the pipes so I check it out. There is a series of caves underneath the place and I start walking around, you know?

Next thing I know, I am in the weirdest fucking place I have ever seen.

The first thing I see is some weird little angry mushroom...thing.

I got a photo of one with my cell phone.

Crazy, eh?

I, of course, yell out "what the fuck is that?" and someone tells me its called a "goomba". Which I assume means the fucker was screwing with me 'cause I'm Italian. So I hit him.

Turns out, those things really are called goombas. Now I feel kinda bad. Even weirder, the guy I hit is another mushroom thingie and his name is "Toad". WTF is wrong with this place?

And where am I? Some place called "Mushroom Kingdom". How fucking original.

Mushroom Kingdom. I shit you not. The Mushroom Kingdom.

I should have been a welder. This kinda shit doesn't happen to welders.

4:02 AM

So I gotta fight through all these castles, right? To find some chick named Princess Toadstool. Who was kidnapped by a big turtle/dragon thing called Bowser. Like the guy from Sha Na Na...but, you know, less so a doo-wop singer and moreso some weird turtle/dragon thing that apparently kidnaps princesses.

This world sucks.

At the end of every damn castle, there is that little Toad fucker tells me "Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle!".

What a dick. Now I don't feel bad about hitting him for that goomba thing. Toad sucks.

I just want to go home.

Comments :

2 comments to “The Blog Of Mario”
Order Soma Online said...

If Mario really does blog like this, I may have to switch to him from Luigi. So funny. Bet you anything the Princess ran off with King Koopa.

Andy said...

Great post. Really made me laugh. Are you going to do one as Luigi too?

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