Updated sporadically! Guaranteed!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

15 Bizarre Responses To The Query "How's It Going?"

In a similar vein to our earlier 15 Things I Have Never Overheard, here are 15 Bizarre Responses To The Query "How's It Going?"

1. I can hear the ants talking. They hate your shirt.

2. Eh, not so great. I've got chancres on my ass and it kills me to sit. But I'm getting by.

3. E Plurbus Unam!

4. Much better since I passed those stones.

5. OK. But quick question...if you are really lonely and horny and you stick your dick into the soil of a potted fern...but only on one occasion....that doesn't make you a Dendrophiliac does it?

6. Once when I was really hungry, I ate a hobo. I figured nobody would miss him. Plus, I was really hungry.

7. Pretty good. I've been studying some ancient Asian arts. Would you like to help me feng shui the contents of my pants?

8. I've been better. Last night I lost my keys in a stray dog's rectum and I've been locked out of my apartment ever since.

9. Is it weird to get really turned on by Strawberry Shortcake dolls?

10. Do you ever measure your penis on a day by day basis to see if it is getting bigger through sheer force of will? I think mine is shrinking. I must be doing it wrong.

11. Would you be interested in joining my adult all-nude tee ball team?

12. Can I see your dick for a minute? I just want to check something.

13. Man...your ear is totally fuckable.

14. Do you have any really good recipes for Platypus? I got like five of them and I need to do something with them before they turn bad.

15. Man, I partied so hard last night I woke up this morning in bed with two porcupines, a dead duck, a half empty box of Wheaties and no hair on my balls. Oh, and some really ugly broad. I mean really ugly.

Monday, September 28, 2009

The Napkin Chronicles Redux

Like we outlined in our previous Napkin Chronicles, sometimes the Big Damn Staff goes to a bar to focus on writing new material. And sometimes that staff spends more time drinking and making each other than they do actually writing anything down.

And then the next morning hangovers pretty much rule out any kind of productivity for at least another day.

One of us did, however, scribble some silly cartoons on some napkins.

As always, hungover or not, we still have to update. So...we're gonna use the napkins again.

Is it lazy? Sure.

Have you seen them before? Nope.

So it counts as an update. Shut up and enjoy them.

If that's not good enough for you, I don't know if we can be friends anymore.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Saturday Laziness

It's Saturday again!

On Saturday...we don't feel like working.

So being the lazy bastards we are, we will simply point you to some past things we have already written.

We will call this one the relationship edition.

If you haven't read them, they are new to you.

Maybe you have already read them, maybe not. We don't really give a shit. Here they are again anyway.

15 Things You Rarely Hear On A Date

15 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Girlfriend

15 Signs Your Relationship Is Ending

15 Incredibly Bad Break-Up Lines

A Break-Up Letter

A Reconciliation Letter

Enjoy your weekend.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Blog Of Mario

3:02 AM

I swear...I get the shittiest calls. There are plumbing problems all over this damn city today and the last call we get I am the only guy left in the office. So I take the call. This apartment is just destroyed with water everywhere...and why? Because the owner has a damn pet ape. The ape was fucking around with the pipes under the sink and tore them right out of the wall.

Five hours later, I get everything fixed but the guy refuses to pay me. Instead he gives me the ape.

What the fuck am I going to do with an ape?

4:02 AM

That damn ape is trying to hump my fridge. At first it was funny....

I would take a picture and upload it, but I can't get the damn ape to stand still.

I do, however, have a little Pez keychain that looks a lot like him. Here is a photo of that.

So he kinda looks like that. But way bigger and far less of a keychain filled with candy.

2:02 PM

I come home for a quick lunch and that fucking ape has shit all over the kitchen. He's flinging poo everywhere. I'm gonna kill him.

6:02 PM

I come home and there is a hastily scrawled note on the fridge (stuck there with ape poo. nice) that tells me that damn ape has taken off with my girlfriend Pauline. Apes can write? When the fuck did this happen?

2:02 AM

Now that was a long ass day. The damn ape had climbed up some weird girder thing and he was throwing barrels and shit at me while Pauline just stood there. She just stood there! She didn't try to hit the ape, run away, or anything. Just stood there. Well, I rescued her but I don't see this relationship lasting too much longer. Seriously. She just stood there!

2:02 AM

So I get another weird call. Lucky me, right?

At some construction site, they are having problems with the pipes so I check it out. There is a series of caves underneath the place and I start walking around, you know?

Next thing I know, I am in the weirdest fucking place I have ever seen.

The first thing I see is some weird little angry mushroom...thing.

I got a photo of one with my cell phone.

Crazy, eh?

I, of course, yell out "what the fuck is that?" and someone tells me its called a "goomba". Which I assume means the fucker was screwing with me 'cause I'm Italian. So I hit him.

Turns out, those things really are called goombas. Now I feel kinda bad. Even weirder, the guy I hit is another mushroom thingie and his name is "Toad". WTF is wrong with this place?

And where am I? Some place called "Mushroom Kingdom". How fucking original.

Mushroom Kingdom. I shit you not. The Mushroom Kingdom.

I should have been a welder. This kinda shit doesn't happen to welders.

4:02 AM

So I gotta fight through all these castles, right? To find some chick named Princess Toadstool. Who was kidnapped by a big turtle/dragon thing called Bowser. Like the guy from Sha Na Na...but, you know, less so a doo-wop singer and moreso some weird turtle/dragon thing that apparently kidnaps princesses.

This world sucks.

At the end of every damn castle, there is that little Toad fucker tells me "Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle!".

What a dick. Now I don't feel bad about hitting him for that goomba thing. Toad sucks.

I just want to go home.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

15 Worst Self-Help Book Titles

1. Can't We All Just Get Outside? - Dealing with agoraphobia

2. Learning To Leave At Last Call - a functional alcoholic's handbook

3. Hey Fatty! - Learning to love yourself for who you are on the inside

4. Make 'Em Pay - A vengeance manual

5. It's Probably Big Enough - a penis manual

6. Nobody Likes Me...And That's Probably O.K.

7. Stop Nailing Fuglies! - a guide to a better you

8. Hey! That Doesn't Go There! - a sex guide

9. How To Get Laid - a 12 part instructional

10. Fuck That Noise! - dealing with deafness

11. Masturbation For Complete Morons

12. I Fucking Win! - a guide to attending your high school reunion

13. Prettier Woman - how to turn away and move on from your whorish past

14. Fuck You - a guide to self-defense

15. (I'm Blind)

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Lost Tale Of Paul Bunyan

Many tales of the mighty Paul Bunyan have been told. People young and old know that Bunyan created the Grand Canyon by dragging his mighty axe behind him, how the footprints of Bunyan and his companion Babe the Blue Ox made the holes that later became Minnesota's 10,000 lakes, and how he created Mount Hood by piling rocks to put out his campfire.

But there are other tales. Tales that while just as fascinating and impressive aren't really appropriate for family consumption hence they didn't make it into the more popular print editions of Bunyan's tall tales.

This is one of those tales.

Dawn had just cracked when Paul Bunyan headed out with his comically oversized axe accompanied by his equally large trusty blue ox Babe and it would be well into evening by the time Bunyan hung up his giant axe and sat down to his nightly meal of pancakes, a stack the size of which would bring tearful awe to even the most jaded of pancake aficionados, and drenched in rich gooey syrup. It is the events that happened within that span that makes this tale interesting.

Artist's representation of Paul Bunyan

After having eaten his monstrous 30 foot tall stack of pancakes for breakfast, Bunyan and Babe set out to begin their days activities of logging, singing lively lumberjack songs, and just generally being fucking huge.

On that day, Bunyan went about his way hewing trees left and right as he did everyday (except Sundays...Bunyan always kept holy the Sabbath) but after two hours of labor, he was struck dumb by an enchanting vision.

Gerðr, the giantess wife of Norse god Freyr, had taken this very day and this very moment to venture to America and see this brave new world. While bathing in one of the many giant lakes which had formed from a bootprint left behind by Bunyan, Gerðr was spotted by Bunyan (and technically, also spotted by Babe the ox, but being an ox and not a human Babe didn't really give a shit about an abnormally large naked woman).

Suddenly, Bunyan felt a stirring. That stirring quickly morphed into an arousing. And that arousing was rapidly growing into a veritable stimulation. All of which was taking place in Paul Bunyan's pants. Specifically, in the crotch area.

Disturbed by this strange new pants predicament, Bunyan unzipped his pants to investigate this trouser happening. And what followed quickly became the stuff of legend.

Less talented and far more drunk artist's representation of Paul Bunyan

As his pants loosened, Bunyan's engorged member ripped forth and sprung outward towards the heavens. So magnificent was this enormous phallus that people miles away could see it and since that time many an obelisk has been erected in his honor the most famous of which is, of course, The Washington Monument.

Gerðr looked up from her naked aquatic activities and smiled coquettishly at the blushing lumberjack. That was the straw the broke the camel's back. By "straw" we mean "pinnacle of erotic excitation" and by "broke the camel's back" we, of course, mean "made Bunyan lose his shit".

The treetops and buildings were soon covered in a opal-colored substance looking much like snow. Bunyan sighed a sigh so great that it shook the mountains miles off in the distance.

And then he took a nap.

An hour later, a couple of fellow lumberjacks, Tom and William, happened upon that clearing and mistook the situation for a fluke winter storm. Until they touched the faux snow. Then the true nature of the situation become clear to the poor men.

Those poor lumberjacks were never the same after that. Tom had reoccurring nightmares for the remaining sixteen years of his life and William was found having hanging from the rafters of his cabin three days later. The suicide note rambled a bit, but the constant refrain of "The spooge! The horrible spooge!" made it clear from whence his depression sprung.

Paul Bunyan awoke from his slumber four hours after having fallen asleep. By that time, Gerðr was nowhere to be seen. Saddened but feeling refreshed, Bunyan went ahead and engaged in another session of boxing with Roland.

"Boxing with Roland" was the term lumberjacks used in the 1800's for masturbation. No one quite knew why. It just had a peppy zing to it that the lumberjacks found satisfying. The euphemism, that is. Obviously, everyone finds masturbation satisfying.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Saturday Laziness

It's Saturday again!

On Saturday...we don't feel like working.

So being the lazy bastards we are, we will simply point you to some past things we have already written.

We will call this one the sex and food edition.

If you haven't read them, they are new to you.

Maybe you have already read them, maybe not. We don't really give a shit. Here they are again anyway.

Pussy Etiquette: A Primer

The Vagina, And All The Mysteries That Entails

15 Thoughts While Receiving A Really Bad Blow Job

Tastes Like Chicken!


Enjoy your weekend.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

How To Fly

Many superheroes can fly. Some were born with the ability, others gained it in a bizarre accident or via some special object discovered/given to them. Comics are kooky like that. But what all the heroes have in common, regardless of where their abilities came from, is that none of them knew they could fly until they were put in a situation where flight was the only escape.

Actually, I don't really know that for a fact. But it's how the guy in Heroes discovered his powers of flight, so I am just going to use that as a microcosm for all flight powered heroes.

As we highly doubt you have a personal evil arch-nemesis who is constantly putting you in impossible states of affairs which force you to utilize heretofore unknown abilities...this situation has probably never arisen in your day to day life. But that doesn't mean you can't fly. Necessarily.

There is only one way to know for sure...you gotta try!*

There are many methods to initially discovering your ability to fly. We will cover the most prevalent ones which you can try at your leisure.

Pushing Off The Ground

This is the quickest way to know if you have the power of flight. You can test it anywhere there is ground beneath you...which should be literally everywhere or it turns out you are flying already.

Harness your chi. Focus and push your will down towards the Earth below. Now push.

If you were unable to launch like the kid in the above video, relax. It's OK. Besides, that kid cheated and used Adobe After Effects.

Moving on. Let's try...

Attaining Velocity

For this method, you will need to find something really tall. Like a mountain. Or a cliff. In a pinch, you could use your roof. Make sure you have plenty of running space. You gotta get some speed before launching yourself off the edge and into the big beautiful sky. Which is what you are going to attempt to do.

I'm not gonna lie to you...there is a 99.9% chance that this method will result in serious harm to your person leading up to, and including, a horrible painful death.

If that happens, you probably did it wrong.

Falling Into Flight

If you survived the previous two methods and they didn't work, perhaps you are more like a bat than a bird. Bats cannot take off into flight but instead need to drop into it. To see if you are like a bat, try this method.

Again, find something really tall. Step to the edge. Now fall.

Are you flying yet? If the ground is accelerating towards your face at an incredible rate...you aren't.

You are, however, going to die. Look at the upside, though. It might end up on YouTube. Posthumous fame is still fame.

If you have tried all these methods and are somehow still alive, unfortunately you cannot fly.

The fact that you are still alive, however, points to the possibility of another superpower...invulnerability. Which is still sorta like Superman...but not as cool as being able to fly. Not as cool at all.

So I guess what I am saying is that we can't hang out anymore.

* Please...for the love of all that is good, don't try any of these methods. If you do...you are probably going to die. Painfully. And we can't be held responsible just because you are a fucking idiot who tests stupid shit from a humor site. Be smart. Accept the fact that you cannot fly.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

5 Superhero Limericks

Ever since the written word was first created, man has sought to illustrate love, sadness, and sometimes humor through the art of poetry.

The following are some incredibly silly limericks about superheroes.

There once was a man from Krypton
Whose suit was cotton and nylon
It chafed once in a while
But then he would smile
And show everyone his alien hard-on

A detective from Gotham city
would fight crime without semblance of pity
Some he would nail
With others...he'd fail
As a hero, he was actually quite shitty

There was a hero from under the ocean
He could talk to fish while they were in motion
His powers were lame
He never got fame
And spent his evenings with porno and lotion

A mutant codenamed Jubilee
created sparks quite wonderfully
Her powers were weak
Her clothing...not chic
She didn't give a shit, that was the key.

When the spider bit, Parker did swoon
Then his uncle was killed by a goon
His powers grew strong
He knew right from wrong
Then scored some hot redheaded poon!

Monday, September 14, 2009

How I Would Deliver A Motivational Speech To A Bunch Of Zombies If I Were A Golem

So...fellow undead.

Well, let's make something clear here; you are the reanimated corpses of previously dead humans brought to life via nefarious means - whether that be mad scientist, virus gone awry (which, I suppose, was probably also created by a mad scientist), or some crazy spaceprobe bullshit. I, however, was lovingly handcrafted from Earth and clay and given life via the righteous rituals of a rebel Rabbi.

Alliteration is so cool.

But I think we have a lot in common. Dead? Yep. Walking the Earth? Indeed. Eating brains? Less so me.

But I feel that the point stands. We have a lot of shit in common, you guys and me.

None of us chose our plight in life (unlife?) but here we are all the same. Largely ostracized by those with a pulse and a soul. Now I ask you, is that fair? Not really. But then again, I can kinda see where they are coming from. If I was alive I would be shitting buckets if I saw a herd of you folks on my front lawn when I went out to grab the morning paper.

That being said, I am not alive. None of us are. We aren't allowed to apply for jobs, we rarely to never score any chicks, and we are conspicuously lacking souls. Which sucks. On the upside for me, I will just return to dust. You guys are going straight to hell.

Shitty artist's representation of a Golem

Even though your plight in life sucks all the monkey balls, I say to you, don't be too hard on yourselves. You still have a lot to offer. Mainly in the pillaging and cannibalism departments.

But there is irony in that these people that are so terrified of you continue making movies about you. Some have been pretty fucking fantastic like Night of the Living Dead, Re-Animator and even Shawn of the Dead.

Planet Terror kinda sucked but these things happen. Clearly Robert Rodriguez just overreached on that one.

But at least you guys have movies. I got virtually nothing outside of an old silent film trilogy made by Paul Wegener...only one film of which survives. Just my luck, eh?

You have a lot of literature, too. Stephen King's Cell is pretty fucking great. I've heard a lot of good things about World War Z, too. And while I have always considered Richard Matheson's I Am Legend to be about Vampires, a lot of people consider is a Zombie novel (and definitely more so in some of the filmed versions) so I will go ahead and give that one to your guys, too.

All I have is Gustav Meyrink's Der Golem and that shit was back in 1914. Nobody cares about the ole Golem anymore, do that? Shit. The other day some teenage asshole asked me if I was the creepy fucker from Lord of the Rings. "That's Gollum, motherfucker. I'm a Golem," I said to him. I don't think it sunk in.

If nothing else, pop culture loves you. Sure, people generally hate and fear you but they take the time to make great art with you as the subject. There is something to be said for that.

A bunch of zombies

Look on the upside, short of having your brains completely obliterated, you literally cannot die. 'Cause you are already dead. If you think about it, there has to be some sort of military capability in there somewhere. You guys might want to look into that. Seriously.

My point is that you gotta think outside the box. Being the undead kinda sucks, but there are probably shittier things. Like being a Hungry Ghost. Or a Mime. Or Dane Cook.

Why not just get out there and see what the world has to offer? It could surprise you. You life, or unlife I guess, it what you make of it. You could just lumber around aimlessly and attack anyone slow and dumb enough to fall into your carnivorous clutches...or you could hit the road and see what adventures await you.

And maybe you guys could lay off eating the brains of Jews. You know, for me. What do you say?

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Saturday Laziness

It's Saturday again!

On Saturday...we don't feel like working.

So being the lazy bastards we are, we will simply point you to some past things we have already written.

We will call this one the how to edition.

If you haven't read them, they are new to you.

Maybe you have already read them, maybe not. We don't really give a shit. Here they are again anyway.

How To Give Bad News

How To Start A Cult

How To Win A Fight

How To Cockblock

How To Be Smart

Enjoy your weekend.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Napkin Chronicles

Last night, the Big Damn Staff had a writer's meeting. In an attempt to lighten the mood and get the proverbial creative juices flowing, the meeting was held at a local bar.

Much beer was imbibed and jokes were flying. Unfortunately, nothing got written.

One of us did, however, scribble some silly cartoons on some napkins.

Since we still have to update this thing even when we are hung over and achieved nothing of note during a "writing session" (which is now our new code word for "let's get drunk") we decided that we will just polish them a little then throw those napkin cartoons up and call it a day.

Is it lazy? Sure.

Have you seen them before? Nope.

So it counts as an update. Shut up and enjoy them.

If that's not good enough for you, I don't know if we can be friends anymore.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Pennsylvania: A Review

Back in 2005, we took a look at Ohio. Since then, we have visited* and reviewed Norwegia, Sweden, and Finland among others. Now we turn our gaze back to the United States and take a look at Pennsylvania.

Pennsylvania, one of the original 13 colonies, got its name from the original charterholder William Penn. Penn was a Quaker who came to the New World searching for a hospitable environment to to express his faith...through dance. Penn believed that dancing brings you closer to God. In fact, the name of the state, Pennsylvania, roughly translates to Penn's Discotheque. True story.

Geographically speaking, PA has mountains, valleys, and brief stretches of flatland. This has led to the creation of many diverse cultures across the state, most notably the division of drinking "soda" in the east as opposed to those who partake of "pop" in the west. While this silly semantic feud dates back to the early 1700's, there is still a sense of civil unrest over the subject.

While most Pennises (as the people are called) are average Americans there are two notable and distinct sects within the state. To the lower east of the state are the Pennsylvania Deutch a.k.a. Pennsylvania Dutch a.k.a The Amish a.k.a. Those Dude With Buggies. Not much is known about the strange, mysterious, and insular group except this: they are strange, mysterious and insular.

While they are outwardly very quiet and religious, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. There have been rumors for years that the Amish have been slowly infiltrating the world of the "English" (their term for the non-Amish) via the implantation of mind control devices in their exceptionally well-made handcrafted wood furniture as well as subliminal messages in their quilts. Only time will reveal the truth about these rumors. Well, that and the day those quiet mysterious bastards take over America. That will be a bit of a giveaway, too.

To the middle and west of PA lies the Allegheny range of the Appalachian Mountains. The folk who reside there are even more strange, mysterious, and insular that the Amish. The people of the Allegheny's are descended from a single troupe of mimes who voyaged here in 1620 on a slower and less famous ship, The Julyflower. Tides being the bitch they are, The Julyflower landed several hundred miles south of Plymouth. The Mimes were not only bad navigators but their primitive form of communication consisted of attempting to exit boxes and constantly finding oneself abutting an invisible wall. This lack of Mime terminology for such simple phrases as "Holy shit, we're going the wrong way!" and "I don't think the Captain knows what the fuck he's doing" only made the situation worse.

Once landed, the insular troupe of Mimes moved slowly westward in search of a paradise devoid of mocking and assbeatings where they could enter and escape invisible boxes at their leisure. And make Moonshine. And trust me, if you've never had Allegheny Mimeshine, you don't know what you are missing. It will make you see Elvis. That's a fact.

While Allegheny Mimeshine used to be passed all over the country from drunkards in-the-know to other drunkard in the-know-who had money to pay for it, eventually the glut of Mimeshine tapered off. The reason for this change was an even in 1830. Due to a still explosion, an alien spacecraft was unearthed that had spent countless millennia buried deep within a mountain. Since then, the already silent and distrusting group has moved even further outside the mainstream, shunning outside visitors. They now spend their days and nights searching those mountains for more signs of alien visitors.

They still make the Allegheny Mimeshine, though. If you want to score some, take interstate 51 into Allegheny County. After about five miles, you'll see a fireworks stand by the side of the road. Buy three boxes of sparklers and ask for "Harry". The man in the stand will give you further directions.

* By "visited" we mean "completely made shit up". We've never actually set foot in any of these countries...as you can probably tell from our reviews.

Monday, September 7, 2009

7 Haikus About Household Stuff

We are all familiar with the literary form Haiku. Seventeen syllables divided into three lines: 5,7,5. The following are 7 haikus about household stuff.

Steps go up and down
Except for when I am drunk
Then they go sideways

Water falling down
When I am in the shower
Now my crotch is clean

Fridges can blow up
I saw that in a movie
I learn from Fight Club

TP is so neat
I use it to wipe my ass
And fuck up front yards.

My vacuum cleaner
Is a giant piece of shit
Now I sweep carpet

I rented Alive
While watching, I got hungry
Now I want to eat man

My blender is sad
No margaritas for me
I am now sober

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Saturday Laziness

It's Saturday again!

On Saturday...we don't feel like working. According to our logs, the following are the five most popular articles for the past two weeks.

Maybe you have already read them, maybe not. We don't really give a shit. Here they are again anyway.

10 Things Into With I Put My Penis

5 Haikus About Food

A College Entrance Letter

15 Incredibly Bad Excuses For Calling In Sick

15 Terms We Just Made Up For A Vagina

Enjoy your weekend.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

How To Be Smart

Often in your day to day activities, another person's actions will give you pause and cause such thoughts as:

"How can someone be that dense?"
"How do idiots like that even feed themselves?"

or more bluntly: "What a fucking dumbass."

But while you are feeling superior to the aforementioned dumbass, there are others feeling smugly superior to you. Why? Because they are smarter than you.

How do we know? Because you are here. Readers of BDF can't possibly be that smart. But we love you all anyway. Like family. Like that family we dread seeing on holidays but once we are there we are nice, polite and witty to your face.

Anyway, you can stop people from feeling superior towards you by being smart. How do you get smart? You have to read a shitload of books. But that takes both time and money. And it's boring.

So your good friends here at BDF will teach you how to fake it.

Grow a beard

Dudes with beards just plain look smart. Sigmund Freud, Frederick Douglass, even Zeus. All had beards. All smart guys.

Or were they? Maybe you were lured in and fooled by the powers of the beard.

A photo from Jon Dyer's experiments with various beard types will illustrate:

Jon Dyer - bearded and intelligent

Now that is an intellectual!

See how intelligent Dyer looks? That guy could drop a metric fuckton of bullshit at your feet and you would probably believe him.

Warning: not a goatee. You run the risk of looking like a douchebag. Or Evil Spock.

Evil Spock


While we earlier said that reading was boring and time consuming (and we stand by that assessment) it wouldn't hurt to get one book on philosophy. Not some "...For Dummies" book, but an actual book by a philosopher. Don't go for the overplayed guys like Friedrich Nietzsche or René Descartes.

Try Hegel, Schopenhauer, or even Reynaud. Who are they? Who the fuck cares. It made us sound smart just then, didn't it?

You need someone who you don't really understand, but nobody else will either when you quote the guy. It will sound deep, and you won't get busted. Nobody will ask you to explain or it will signal to the group that they are stupid. Like all pack animals, stupid people avoid showing weakness to the herd.

An example: you are at a party and three people near you start discussing politics and current events.

Person 1 - "What do you think of the government's plan to turn the economy around? I don't think we will see results for at least two years, really."

Person 2 - "I don't think it will take that long. I hope not. We've all been waiting long enough for their promises to come to fruition."

You - "Schopenhauer once said 'A man's delight in looking forward to and hoping for some particular satisfaction is a part of the pleasure flowing out of it, enjoyed in advance. But this is afterward deducted, for the more we look forward to anything the less we enjoy it when it comes.' Food for thought."

Stunned silence from all around you. Now you can bast in the glow of their admiration.

What did it mean? We have no fucking clue. But it sure sounded smart. And that's what counts.


Put down that beer and pick up a martini. While we love a beer or fifteen as much as the next guy, beer doesn't carry the connotation of being the beverage of intellectuals. Which is a shame. As far as we are concerned, whoever created beer was one of the smartest guys to ever grace the planet.

Nobody looks at James Bond, Cary Grant, or Frank Sinatra and thinks "I'll bet that guy is a fucking idiot!". Hell no. Cocktails give the impression of a man possessing excellent taste and a rapier intellect.

For all you know, those three guys are fucking idiots (Hell, Bond sure does get captured a lot for being the greatest spy in England) but they don't appear to be idiots. And that's what counts.

As always, moderation is key.

One martini = intellectual with refined taste
Two martinis = intellectual with refined taste and a thirst
Three to five martinis = you proving that you aren't smart and probably attempting to dry hump some furniture before the night is through.

The Holmes Look

When all else fails, grab a deerstalker and smoke a pipe.

Sherlock Holmes is roundly considered the smartest detective in the world. Sure, some might point out that he is a fictional detective, but in a world were Santa Claus and Mickey Mouse receive fan mail, we think you are splitting hairs.

Smartest man ever

You can't be as smart as Sherlock Holmes, but you can look like Sherlock Holmes. For the most part.

Looking like Sherlock Holmes and acting like Sherlock Holmes are completely different. We're not talking about fucking cosplay here.

If you start dropping to the ground and examining the carpet with a magnifying glass or suddenly declaring "Elementary, my dear Watson" you will simply show the world that you are a true dumbass. Don't. Just don't.

Hopefully you can use some of this finely crafted information to make yourself appear more charming and intelligent. And remember, much akin to those guys who always sucked at sports but now they have gym memberships and wear football jerseys everywhere they go...image is everything.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

From Development Hell

Some of you may be familiar with the film industry term "development hell". The term refers to the state where a property is in a near constant state of development and adjustment which usually ends with the film being abandoned completely.

Below we have a few examples of films which were locked in development hell and ultimately never went before the cameras. Some of them are interesting enough to make one wonder "what if...". Others are such incredibly bad ideas that one is forced to mutter "thank God that wasn't made". But mostly (and by "mostly" I mean "completely") they are totally made up.

Lawrence of Aruba - Following his Arabian adventures, T.E. Lawrence travels to the Caribbean island of Aruba and attempts to raise an army to liberate the isle from the Kingdom of the Netherlands. While the uprising ultimately fails, Lawrence finds love in the arms of a nubile native girl.

Shitty photoshop representation of the proposed film

Robin in da Hood - An urban update of the Robin Hood mythology. Most notable for the tagline "He steals from the pimps and gives to the hos", the film ultimately got tangled up with casting issues and was canceled a month before shooting was to commence.

Waiting to Inhale - A romance/drama which centers on four asthmatic female friends living in Phoenix, Arizona and their relationships with men.

Amadeus: The Falco Story - Following on the heels of such successes as Ray and Walk The Line, this biopic about the band known for the hit "Rock Me Amadeus" hit a snag when it was discovered that there was already a film entitled Amadeus. As Falco had no other American hits, no other title could be found and the project was abandoned.

Another shitty photoshop representation of the proposed film

Stillborn - A horror film which was billed as "The Good Son meets Nightmare of Elm Street" this film never made it out of the scripting phase. The story deals with a young married couple who find out that they are pregnant. Giving the finger to superstition, they plan a baby shower during the first trimester. Two days later, the baby is stillborn. In revenge, the baby attacks everyone involved with the baby shower via their nightmares. Like a little unborn Freddy Kruger.

Schindler's Addendum - A proposed sequel wherein a second list is...you know what? I already feel fucking terrible for even making this joke. Moving on...

6 Going On 60 - Sort of a spiritual sequel to 13 Going on 30, this film would have none of the stars of the original returning nor would it be a continuation of the first film's plot. While the first film dealt with a 13 year old girl waking up at age 30, 6 Going On 60 would follow a young girls with progeria and....Jesus I am going to hell if I keep making jokes like this. Sorry.

I, Retard - Dr. Alfred Lanning runs a facility which cares for developmentally challenged children. When Lanning is murdered, Detective Del Spooner believes that one of Lanning's special children might be guilty of the crime. Also...this is almost as bad as the Schindler joke. I'm an awful person.

Farley & Me - Following the success of Marley & Me, this proposed biopic of Chris Farley...OK. I'm done. This is too fucked up.

The fact that we took the time to make this just proves we are total fuckers

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