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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Products Pulled From The Market

Before a product reaches the market it goes through various stages. Somebody comes up with the idea, somebody has to OK that idea, somebody figures out how to advertise that idea, a whole group of people have to actually make the damn thing...and so on. All along the way, there are so many people with the authority to kill a stupid idea, it should be shocking when a really dumb one comes along.

Except it happens all the time.

In fact, there was somebody who actually thought the following advertisement was a good idea. And nobody stopped him.

If the guy who made that wasn't fired shortly thereafter, there is no justice in this world.

Maybe he hung out with the guy who created the "Chinese Cherry" flavor for Pillsbury's Funny Face Drink Mix.

In 1966, Pillsbury changed "Chinese Cherry" to the far less abhorrent "Choo-Choo Cherry" which only offended train engineers. But nobody likes them anyway.

Not everything that was pulled from the market was racist. Sometimes it was just an incredibly shitty idea. Like the following:

Ultra-Light 1000's - To capitalize on the sales of both ultra light cigarettes and the longer 100's, a small company named Longworth Tobacco started thinking big. Really big.

Making a cigarette ten times longer posed problems. Every time a smoker attempted to ash, the whole thing broke in half. To get around this problem, Longworth Tobacco made the cigarette 10 times bigger all around, not just length.

Obviously bad photoshop. You want better fake ads? But a damn shirt.

Boasting a filter that was as thick as the arms of some infants, a pack of twenty was roughly the size of a dictionary. A mere five packs were ever sold before the product was pulled and Longworth went bankrupt.

Lil' Sippers - Aimed squarely at teenagers and pre-teens, this non-alcoholic beer flavored beverage infuriated parents everywhere.

Kök Teasers - Created by a Norwegian company, these penis shaped carrot sticks on a stick shocked parents almost as much as the aforementioned Lil' Sippers. Men, too, were horrified having to watch females take big bites out of an orange penis. The product never really got a foothold in the American market and after a year, the company stopped doing business in the U.S. Should you ever travel to Norwegia, you can still purchase Kök Teasers in most major groceries, airports, gas stations, and libraries.

Chia Sequoia - Do I really need to explain why this was a horribly impractical product?

Another shitty photoshop representation

ManFormers - Riding on the coattails of Transformers and Gobots, this product jettisoned the vehicle concept and just had dudes who transform into other dudes. Yeah...they sucked.

Little Johnny Pavement - Billed as "Giving children fun while educating them for a future career", the Little Johnny Pavement playset consisted of a shovel, a big wheel steamroller, and all the ingredients to make hot tar. Many children were burned and disfigured.

These and many other products started off as an idea...and idea from the brain of a moron...and eventually became an actual product*. Much like our earlier article about Magazines That Weren't Successful, sometimes a moron's idea actually gets to see the light of day. And then nobody buys it.

*Not really. It should be rather obvious that we made them up. Although it is true that these were ideas from a moron. A moron wrote this article. Like everything else on BDF.

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