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Thursday, August 13, 2009

How To Cockblock

We here at BDF believe in being loyal to your friend. Through thick and thin, you should always have your pals to rely on.

But sometimes you both notice the same beautiful, charming, amazing woman at the same time.

When that happens...game on!

Sometimes, just sometimes, you've got to cockblock a guy. If and when that time comes, you need to be prepared.

Your good friends at BDF are here to help. Here is a brief tutorial on foolproof* ways to cockblock a buddy.

*We haven't actually tested any of these

The One-Upsman

This is a powerful move you can utilize but it takes confidence.

When you and another man lock in on the same woman, allow your nemesis ('cause that is what he is right now) to speak first. When the conversation gets to what he does for a living, no matter how egregiously he lies, immediately follow it up with "And I'm his boss".

Even if he tries to worm his way out of it, he will only look worse. The upper hand is now yours. Don't lose it.


Cock - Hi. I'm Steve.

Woman - I'm Anne.

Cock - I'm a film producer.

Woman - Really?

Block - Indeed, he is. I'm his boss. I work for the studio. I'm a Vice President.

Cock - No you aren't!

Block - Do you want to be fired!?

The Concerned Friend

This is an especially devious move that doesn't require much boldness, but an ability to lie and some added finesse should carry the day.

When you and your friend are chatting up the same woman, wait for the moment when you friend excuses himself to use the restroom. If this is taking too long, don't hesitate to buy him shots and more beer just to get the juices flowing, as it were.

Once he is gone, this is where you make your move...


Cock - I'll be right back.

(Cock excuses himself)

Woman - Your friend Steve is really nice.

Block - Yeah. He's great. We've known each other since we were kids.

Woman - That's so cool.

Block - Yeah. I kind of owe the guy. We have always tried to take care of each other. In fact, Steve just finished doing a nickle inside so I thought I would take him out and show him a good time. Let him acclimate to the real world.

Woman - Oh.

Block - Yeah. But please don't mention it. He's kind of sensitive about it. Some...stuff happened when he was inside. Bad stuff. Oz stuff. Know what I mean?

The Angry Girlfriend Move

This move isn't sure fire. The situation and ambiance have to be just right or it won't work and your nemesis can easily weasel himself out of the situation.

When your friend moves in on a woman, step aside and call a trusted female (sister, friend, nice ex-girlfriend, whatever). Give her your friend's number and have her call in three minutes.

When he answers...


Woman - ...that is fascinating!

(Ring Ring Ring)

Cock - (Answering the phone) "Hello?"

Trusted Female Shouting Into The Phone - Really? Really? Are you out trolling for pussy again with our three kids at home? Are you fucking kidding me?

As the woman overhears the yelling and your nemesis excuses himself in embarrassment, make your move. And make it a good one. Your friend will probably punch you in the face later. I would.

The Nuclear Option

This takes all the boldness you can muster. And no moral compass whatsoever.

When your nemesis excuses himself, sidle up to the lady and thank her for being so understanding. When she inquires as to what you mean, casually let it "slip" that your nemesis has a mere six months to live.

A guy seriously pulled this move on me years ago. Granted, it didn't work. But give it a shot. You just never know.

Once you have successfully utilized any, or all, of these method, feel free to award yourself the cockblock merit badge!

Because the only thing shittier than cockblocking your friend...is bragging about it.

Comments :

7 comments to “How To Cockblock”
Anonymous said...

They should make cockblocking rings...to wear to show merit of cockblocking, and right before a good ol showdown...kiss that badboy for good luck.

Anonymous said...

This is handy instructions. Im a 19 stone bodybuilder and I regularly AMOG other guys. This is a more subtle way of pinching someones girlfriend if she is a hottie. personally I am in favour of this and will happily try this on ANY woman i deem fit... Boyfriend, engaged, even married... No holes barred in a literal sense. Once the other guy has been shutdown, its usually enough to remove competition for quite sometime because the nemesis will normally become withdrawn and depressed.... The ore guys I affect with this, then the stronger I becoe, they become weaker and I end up with multiple dates....pretty cool huh.

The AMOG routine normally works for me, and if it doesnt, then I will glass em, or severely beat them for being cocky and trying to DHV over me.. I have done that too several times

Anonymous said...

Posting about cock blocking is pretty funny! However, wow the last guy posting has some serious a$$hole problems...LOL!

Anonymous said...

I figured out a new way to get cockblocked. F*cking Hurricane Irene is gonna cockblock me this weekend.

Anonymous said...

i just want to cock block my friend because he always puts girls before friends, u just cant do that everytime, its time for some payback

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