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Thursday, August 27, 2009

Beer: The Sequel

Years ago, we wrote an article about Beer. People seemed to like it (so much so that it was stolen) so we thought it might be time for a sequel.

Blue Moon - Ah...malted barley, white wheat, oats....and orange peel. For the discriminating drinker who enjoys barley and fighting scurvy. Frankly, you should put this Canadian crap down and just order a screwdriver.

Miller Lite - While we all know that the Miller Lite girls are hot, that doesn't make this a good beer. And drinking it won't get you any closer to getting a date with any of those Miller Lite girls. They are just doing their job. Their job is to fool you into buying this swill. Apparently, they do their job well. Plus, any beer that has Yakov Smirnoff as a spokesman is shitty on principle. In Soviet Russia beer drinks you. Wait...what?

Miller Chill - Because drinking Corona wasn't embarrassing enough for you.

Genesee - If you drink this...aren't you a little old to be reading this website? Who the hell even taught you how to turn your computer on, Grandpa?

Miller High Life - Billed as "The Champagne of Beers", that might actually be true. Champagne tastes like shit and gives you gas. So does this.

Bud Lite - Some people think Budweiser has just too much damn taste. This is the beer for them. Of course, those people are idiots. That being said, this commercial makes me laugh.

Miller Genuine Draft - Because sometimes Pabst Blue Ribbon just isn't redneck enough.

Bud Select - This is for the drinker who wants to cut back the calories, but thinks drinking Bud Lite would be a little too effeminate. Instead, you now look like a preppy asshole. Well played!

Busch - If you have had Pabst Blue Ribbon or Miller Genuine Draft, you've had this. Taste-wise they are virtually indistinguishable.

Billy Beer - Poor Jimmy Carter. His brother Billy loved him some beer. So much so that the Falls City Brewing Company decided to give him his own beer. This stopped being produced when I was just a little tyke so I have never had the pleasure of trying it, but any beer named for the sitting President's alcoholic brother is pretty cool in my book.

Land Shark Lager - I have never had this. While part of me wants to hate it on general principle because of the Jimmy Buffett connection, the rest of me still laughs at the old SNL landshark sketch. I'll call it a draw.

Rolling Rock - For the beer drinker who really doesn't like beer at all. If you are not quite ready to commit to just drinking Smirnoff Ice, this is a good baby step.

Mickey's - What? Were they out of Olde English 800?

Laser - Because sometimes they are out of Olde English 800. And Mickey's. And you are on a budget. And you have given up on life.

Milwaukee's Best - If this is the best Milwaukee has to offer, both Happy Days and Laverne & Shirley lied to me.

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