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Monday, August 24, 2009

15 Things You Don't Want To Hear On A Blind Date

1. One of my five kids looks exactly like you. Have you ever been a sperm donor? It's uncanny.

2. You're kinda ugly.

3. Look, I can't stay but if my parole officer asks...I was here all night. Got it?

4. I base my life on the teachings of Inigo Montoya. Granted, my father is alive and well in Miami, but I hunt for a six fingered man regardless. Show me your hands!

5. So....anal?

6. I've had a real hard time since my boyfriend, Peter, left me. This is actually my first date since Peter left me for my sister. I really want this to work. Can I call you Peter?

7. I make my living as a drug mule. What do you do?

8. I've been bungee jumping, base jumping, mountain climbing, and I kayaked down the amazon river. And I once ate a man. What's the most amazing thing you've ever done?

9. Do you know what a Dirty Sanchez is? I can show you.

10. You have the most amazing eyes. I really feel a connection with you. Honestly, I think I am falling in love with you. What's your name?

11. I hope you are into wild kinky stuff. I wanna fuck you stupid. With hand puppets.

12. I own every Olson Twins movie on DVD. Wanna watch one or two when we are done eating?

13. My nickname in college was "anal-eze". It's not what you think, though. Well...maybe it is.

14. You're nice and all and I had a really good time talking with you. I'm just saying it would have been nice if you had been honest in describing yourself. I didn't know your face was going to be all fucked up.

15. I'm a little short on cash tonight. Do you mind blowing the waiter?

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