Updated sporadically! Guaranteed!

Monday, August 31, 2009

15 Terms We Just Made Up For A Vagina

1. Junkbox

2. Negative Dickspace

3. Pinkie McLipsnhole

4. The FUNnel

5. The Eye of Sauron (that's for the nerds out there...who probably already thought of it)



If it is ever actually this inflamed, get her to a doctor immediately


6. The Tuna Tunnel

7. The pillowy love glove in which I place my penis

8. The Fuck Flower

9. The Down South Mouth

10. The Squish Pouch

11. The Jello Bowl

12. That one seriously sweet place where occasionally I get to put my dick and thrust until awesome happens

13. PVC pipe of love...and much later, babies

14. The Pink Batcave

15. The Dick Depot



Thursday, August 27, 2009

Beer: The Sequel

Years ago, we wrote an article about Beer. People seemed to like it (so much so that it was stolen) so we thought it might be time for a sequel.

Blue Moon - Ah...malted barley, white wheat, oats....and orange peel. For the discriminating drinker who enjoys barley and fighting scurvy. Frankly, you should put this Canadian crap down and just order a screwdriver.

Miller Lite - While we all know that the Miller Lite girls are hot, that doesn't make this a good beer. And drinking it won't get you any closer to getting a date with any of those Miller Lite girls. They are just doing their job. Their job is to fool you into buying this swill. Apparently, they do their job well. Plus, any beer that has Yakov Smirnoff as a spokesman is shitty on principle. In Soviet Russia beer drinks you. Wait...what?





Miller Chill - Because drinking Corona wasn't embarrassing enough for you.

Genesee - If you drink this...aren't you a little old to be reading this website? Who the hell even taught you how to turn your computer on, Grandpa?

Miller High Life - Billed as "The Champagne of Beers", that might actually be true. Champagne tastes like shit and gives you gas. So does this.

Bud Lite - Some people think Budweiser has just too much damn taste. This is the beer for them. Of course, those people are idiots. That being said, this commercial makes me laugh.





Miller Genuine Draft - Because sometimes Pabst Blue Ribbon just isn't redneck enough.

Bud Select - This is for the drinker who wants to cut back the calories, but thinks drinking Bud Lite would be a little too effeminate. Instead, you now look like a preppy asshole. Well played!

Busch - If you have had Pabst Blue Ribbon or Miller Genuine Draft, you've had this. Taste-wise they are virtually indistinguishable.

Billy Beer - Poor Jimmy Carter. His brother Billy loved him some beer. So much so that the Falls City Brewing Company decided to give him his own beer. This stopped being produced when I was just a little tyke so I have never had the pleasure of trying it, but any beer named for the sitting President's alcoholic brother is pretty cool in my book.

Land Shark Lager - I have never had this. While part of me wants to hate it on general principle because of the Jimmy Buffett connection, the rest of me still laughs at the old SNL landshark sketch. I'll call it a draw.





Rolling Rock - For the beer drinker who really doesn't like beer at all. If you are not quite ready to commit to just drinking Smirnoff Ice, this is a good baby step.

Mickey's - What? Were they out of Olde English 800?

Laser - Because sometimes they are out of Olde English 800. And Mickey's. And you are on a budget. And you have given up on life.

Milwaukee's Best - If this is the best Milwaukee has to offer, both Happy Days and Laverne & Shirley lied to me.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Products Pulled From The Market

Before a product reaches the market it goes through various stages. Somebody comes up with the idea, somebody has to OK that idea, somebody figures out how to advertise that idea, a whole group of people have to actually make the damn thing...and so on. All along the way, there are so many people with the authority to kill a stupid idea, it should be shocking when a really dumb one comes along.

Except it happens all the time.

In fact, there was somebody who actually thought the following advertisement was a good idea. And nobody stopped him.





If the guy who made that wasn't fired shortly thereafter, there is no justice in this world.

Maybe he hung out with the guy who created the "Chinese Cherry" flavor for Pillsbury's Funny Face Drink Mix.





In 1966, Pillsbury changed "Chinese Cherry" to the far less abhorrent "Choo-Choo Cherry" which only offended train engineers. But nobody likes them anyway.

Not everything that was pulled from the market was racist. Sometimes it was just an incredibly shitty idea. Like the following:

Ultra-Light 1000's - To capitalize on the sales of both ultra light cigarettes and the longer 100's, a small company named Longworth Tobacco started thinking big. Really big.

Making a cigarette ten times longer posed problems. Every time a smoker attempted to ash, the whole thing broke in half. To get around this problem, Longworth Tobacco made the cigarette 10 times bigger all around, not just length.



Obviously bad photoshop. You want better fake ads? But a damn shirt.


Boasting a filter that was as thick as the arms of some infants, a pack of twenty was roughly the size of a dictionary. A mere five packs were ever sold before the product was pulled and Longworth went bankrupt.

Lil' Sippers - Aimed squarely at teenagers and pre-teens, this non-alcoholic beer flavored beverage infuriated parents everywhere.

Kök Teasers - Created by a Norwegian company, these penis shaped carrot sticks on a stick shocked parents almost as much as the aforementioned Lil' Sippers. Men, too, were horrified having to watch females take big bites out of an orange penis. The product never really got a foothold in the American market and after a year, the company stopped doing business in the U.S. Should you ever travel to Norwegia, you can still purchase Kök Teasers in most major groceries, airports, gas stations, and libraries.

Chia Sequoia - Do I really need to explain why this was a horribly impractical product?



Another shitty photoshop representation


ManFormers - Riding on the coattails of Transformers and Gobots, this product jettisoned the vehicle concept and just had dudes who transform into other dudes. Yeah...they sucked.

Little Johnny Pavement - Billed as "Giving children fun while educating them for a future career", the Little Johnny Pavement playset consisted of a shovel, a big wheel steamroller, and all the ingredients to make hot tar. Many children were burned and disfigured.

These and many other products started off as an idea...and idea from the brain of a moron...and eventually became an actual product*. Much like our earlier article about Magazines That Weren't Successful, sometimes a moron's idea actually gets to see the light of day. And then nobody buys it.

*Not really. It should be rather obvious that we made them up. Although it is true that these were ideas from a moron. A moron wrote this article. Like everything else on BDF.

Monday, August 24, 2009

15 Things You Don't Want To Hear On A Blind Date

1. One of my five kids looks exactly like you. Have you ever been a sperm donor? It's uncanny.

2. You're kinda ugly.

3. Look, I can't stay but if my parole officer asks...I was here all night. Got it?

4. I base my life on the teachings of Inigo Montoya. Granted, my father is alive and well in Miami, but I hunt for a six fingered man regardless. Show me your hands!

5. So....anal?

6. I've had a real hard time since my boyfriend, Peter, left me. This is actually my first date since Peter left me for my sister. I really want this to work. Can I call you Peter?

7. I make my living as a drug mule. What do you do?

8. I've been bungee jumping, base jumping, mountain climbing, and I kayaked down the amazon river. And I once ate a man. What's the most amazing thing you've ever done?

9. Do you know what a Dirty Sanchez is? I can show you.

10. You have the most amazing eyes. I really feel a connection with you. Honestly, I think I am falling in love with you. What's your name?

11. I hope you are into wild kinky stuff. I wanna fuck you stupid. With hand puppets.

12. I own every Olson Twins movie on DVD. Wanna watch one or two when we are done eating?

13. My nickname in college was "anal-eze". It's not what you think, though. Well...maybe it is.

14. You're nice and all and I had a really good time talking with you. I'm just saying it would have been nice if you had been honest in describing yourself. I didn't know your face was going to be all fucked up.

15. I'm a little short on cash tonight. Do you mind blowing the waiter?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

10 Things Into Which I Put My Penis

There are many places the average man places his penis. A sock (sometimes for the amusement of others, often times just for warmth), a moistened palm, sometimes even a vagina.

But I think bigger. I am a man amongst men.

Herewith I will share with you 10 things into which I put my penis. I await your awe, admiration, and eventually your applause.

This Beer Pitcher





This one was a mistake in judgment. I got stuck and had to go to the emergency room to get it cut off (the pitcher, that is...not my dick).

So embarrassing.





Grand Canyon





I just wondered if I could hit the sides. Almost.





The Liberty Bell





See that crack? Yeah...my dick did that.

Fuck the British! Go America!





This Tree





I love the great outdoors. Truly. I love it so much that I wanted to fuck it. So I did.

Of course, it was a sequoia.

Take that tree huggers!





The Statue of Liberty





Lady Liberty? Yeah...I nailed her.





Large Hadron Collider





Yeah. I broke that thing. Three times. Wooo!





That One Girl In Summer Camp





Hey girl. Remember me?

At the lake? You dug my denim jacket and I complimented your cute little jean mini skirt. Ringing a bell?

Yeah...now you are in this article. Call me.





The Left Center Hole Of A Billiard Table





I just whipped this arrogant douchebag's ass in pool and I really wanted to rub it in. And rub one out.

So I fucked the pool table.

I win at life.





This Cannon





I packed that bitch hard. She didn't shoot for a week.





Your Mom





Yeah. I said it.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Political Career of Josef Ulinov

Winston Churchill once said that history is written by the victors. Often times this means the proverbial losers get the fuzzy end of the lollipop. As far as history is concerned.

Some know that Eugene V. Debs ran for President five times even receiving 6% of the popular vote in 1912. In more recent times, H. Ross Perot ran twice and received 19% of the vote during one of those runs. Ralph Nader has run four times thus far and garnered almost 3% of the vote during his 2000 campaign. All three candidates failed to receive any electoral votes. Due to their valiant, yet futile, bids for the Presidency history knows them all well.

Another perennial candidate who has been all but lost in time is Josef Ulyanov.

Ulinov was born in Hoboken, New Jersey in 1900. The son of Russian immigrants, Ulinov grew up in a large house due to the affluence of his father. Tassle Ulinov was a cobbler and in 1898 he designed the first pair of loafers with the ornament which bears his first name. Tassle made a killing with his tassled loafers and the money came pouring in.

As young Josef Ulinov grew, he discovered a fascination with politics and government. With his family's money, in 1936 he made his first run for President. Having never held any office before, and having never even been employed, many urged Ulinov to aim a little lower. Like a city councilman or a janitor. But Ulinov had stars in his eyes and fire in his loins. He would settle for nothing less than the Presidency of the United States.

Initially espousing a standard belief in small government, Ulinov's beliefs evolved. While most who supported small government believed in states rights, Ulinov took it further and believed in city rights. His speeches often outlined his firm conviction that the cities should dictate to the states which would then dictate to the federal government.

With a campaign slogan that succinctly declared "For The Win!", Ulinov was crushed in the popular vote, with his best showing being in the state of Idaho where he amassed 4% of the vote.

When Ulinov expressed a desire to run again in four years, his political advisers counseled him to pick one group and go after their votes hard. Having recently read a book about the life of Brigham Young, Ulinov decided to target the Mormon vote.

In 1940, having recently read a book about the life of Brigham Young, Ulinov decided to target the Mormon vote...evidence of which can be seen in his speeches. One such speech from 1940 included the following line:

"In the name of the greatest people that have ever trod this earth, I draw the line in the dust and toss the gauntlet before the feet of tyranny...and I say...poligamy today...poligamy tomorrow...poligamy forever."

The plan failed. Ulinov carried Utah...and that's about it. His vote totals were actually down from the previous election.

Ulinov made two more futile efforts in 1944 and 1948. Both campaigns were lackluster with the only interesting bit being an inaccuracy published by a small town newspaper at the end of the 1948 campaign.

The Circleville Times created three front pages for the morning after election day. One had Truman winning, one with Dewey as the victor, and one congratulating Ulinov. For some reason, the Ulinov issue hit the presses early and campaign photos exist of a smiling Ulinov holding a paper which reads "Ulinov beats Dewey!".

After the embarrassment of the newspaper fiasco and dwindling reactions at the polls, Ulinov decided to end his political career and took up haberdashery in his hometown of Hoboken.

Many years later, Ulinov pulled himself out of political retirement and ran one last time. His 1984 campaign was a sad affair marked by inane ramblings and nonsensical political sloganeering. By this point the 84 year old Ulinov was suffering from dementia and his most common slogan was "Applesause now! Naps later!".

Josef Ulinov died in 1989 relatively poor and mostly unknown.

Monday, August 17, 2009

15 Words That Sound Dirtier Than They Really Are

1. Analogize - While this may look like a term for buttsex (e.g. I analogized her last night) it is actually to explain by analogy.

2. Ballcock - If you don't know that this is in the tank of a toilet and not so much in your pants...you might be an idiot.

3. Clambake - I guess if a naked woman sat outside in the sun long enough she might risk getting a clambake, but this refers to a method of cooking seafood.

4. Cock-a-leekie - To some this might sound like you need to see a doctor about your urinary incontinence, it is actually a Scottish soup.

5. Cuneiform - One of the earliest known written languages. Less so a style of cunnilingus.

6. Dongle - Not a name for your penis. This is a portable device for your computer.

7. Gesticulate - To gesture while speaking. Not quite the variation of masturbation it may appear to be at first blush.

8. Horticulturist - This is to do with the science of plant cultivation, not so much the study of whores.

9. Mastication - Another word that sounds like jerkin' it. It is actually chewing.

10. Mensuration - Not that time of the month that makes men flee. This is the act of measuring.

11. Orogeny - While it kinda sounds like the offspring from an orgy (orgy+progeny) it is actually mountain building.

12. Pontoon - Kinda similar to poontang in spelling but not at all in meaning. This is a boat.

13. Pusillanimous - This means lacking courage. So I guess it kinda does mean what it sounds like. If you are Pusillanimous you are probably a pussy.

14. Titanous - It could be funny as a description of a large breasted woman (e.g. She is positively titanous) it means relating to titanium. Not quite as sexy.

15. Uvula - Not to be confused with the vulva. This one is in your mouth.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

How To Cockblock

We here at BDF believe in being loyal to your friend. Through thick and thin, you should always have your pals to rely on.

But sometimes you both notice the same beautiful, charming, amazing woman at the same time.

When that happens...game on!

Sometimes, just sometimes, you've got to cockblock a guy. If and when that time comes, you need to be prepared.

Your good friends at BDF are here to help. Here is a brief tutorial on foolproof* ways to cockblock a buddy.

*We haven't actually tested any of these





The One-Upsman

This is a powerful move you can utilize but it takes confidence.

When you and another man lock in on the same woman, allow your nemesis ('cause that is what he is right now) to speak first. When the conversation gets to what he does for a living, no matter how egregiously he lies, immediately follow it up with "And I'm his boss".

Even if he tries to worm his way out of it, he will only look worse. The upper hand is now yours. Don't lose it.

Example

Cock - Hi. I'm Steve.

Woman - I'm Anne.

Cock - I'm a film producer.

Woman - Really?

Block - Indeed, he is. I'm his boss. I work for the studio. I'm a Vice President.

Cock - No you aren't!

Block - Do you want to be fired!?





The Concerned Friend

This is an especially devious move that doesn't require much boldness, but an ability to lie and some added finesse should carry the day.

When you and your friend are chatting up the same woman, wait for the moment when you friend excuses himself to use the restroom. If this is taking too long, don't hesitate to buy him shots and more beer just to get the juices flowing, as it were.

Once he is gone, this is where you make your move...

Example

Cock - I'll be right back.

(Cock excuses himself)

Woman - Your friend Steve is really nice.

Block - Yeah. He's great. We've known each other since we were kids.

Woman - That's so cool.

Block - Yeah. I kind of owe the guy. We have always tried to take care of each other. In fact, Steve just finished doing a nickle inside so I thought I would take him out and show him a good time. Let him acclimate to the real world.

Woman - Oh.

Block - Yeah. But please don't mention it. He's kind of sensitive about it. Some...stuff happened when he was inside. Bad stuff. Oz stuff. Know what I mean?





The Angry Girlfriend Move

This move isn't sure fire. The situation and ambiance have to be just right or it won't work and your nemesis can easily weasel himself out of the situation.

When your friend moves in on a woman, step aside and call a trusted female (sister, friend, nice ex-girlfriend, whatever). Give her your friend's number and have her call in three minutes.

When he answers...

Example

Woman - ...that is fascinating!

(Ring Ring Ring)

Cock - (Answering the phone) "Hello?"

Trusted Female Shouting Into The Phone - Really? Really? Are you out trolling for pussy again with our three kids at home? Are you fucking kidding me?

As the woman overhears the yelling and your nemesis excuses himself in embarrassment, make your move. And make it a good one. Your friend will probably punch you in the face later. I would.





The Nuclear Option

This takes all the boldness you can muster. And no moral compass whatsoever.

When your nemesis excuses himself, sidle up to the lady and thank her for being so understanding. When she inquires as to what you mean, casually let it "slip" that your nemesis has a mere six months to live.

A guy seriously pulled this move on me years ago. Granted, it didn't work. But give it a shot. You just never know.





Once you have successfully utilized any, or all, of these method, feel free to award yourself the cockblock merit badge!





Because the only thing shittier than cockblocking your friend...is bragging about it.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Flashers

Probably stupid...but it made us laugh.





Don't expect more from us. We are lazy like this. Deal with it.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

15 Things You Never Want To Hear From Your Doctor

1. Wow. Now that is a beautiful nuttsack. Do you trim? What setting do you use?

2. We tried to get it all...but Scrubs was on and we all kinda got caught up with watching that and...well...long story short, you're gonna die.

3. Good Lord! I haven't seen a case of the clap like that since 'nam!

4. You need to either lay off the fiber or lay off the buttsex...that thing is a gaping chasm of raw red evil.

5. Holy shit that thing is small! How do you use it? I'm sorry. That was unprofessional. But seriously...have you ever pleased a woman?

6. Well, your HMO doesn't cover the prescriptions we normally use for something like this so we are gonna have to kick it old school. How do you feel about leeches?

7. Put your clothes back on. I don't want to puke.

8. I'm not going to lie to you...I should have paid more attention in med school. I don't have any idea what the fuck is wrong with you. But I'm pretty sure it is bad. I mean...scary bad.

9. Now that is odd. I've been your doctor for your whole life...and it's as if your penis has literally never grown. It's still a little baby penis. That's so weird!

10. I had your mother in here last week. Do your parents have a lot of sex? 'Cause that vaj was worked!

11. In all my years of practicing medicine I have never seen this. How do you get a hemorrhoid on your mouth?

12. Wow. The ladies must love you. Now that is a cock. Let me get my camera. Nurse!

13. Fuck me! What happened to your face? Oh...you're just here for a hangnail? Nevermind that whole face thing. Just ignore it.

14. Man...your sister is hot. Anyone tappin' that ass?

15. John...there was a complication with the surgery. Do you like the name Joan?

Monday, August 10, 2009

What Your Car Says About You

In the past we have profiled both beer and booze, and even explained what your drink says about you. All of these things send signals to the world about what kind of a person you are.

Like the Shirt Tales. Or something.

When you aren't drinking, you are probably driving (and you shouldn't be doing both. That's bad.) and when you are driving...you are probably in a vehicle.

Now BDF would like to take a moment to tell you what your car says about you.


DeLorean DMC-12 - I love the 80's. I mean I really love the 80's. Like a fat guy loves food. Which I am and I do.





Toyota Prius - I love the environment. I care about trees, puppies, rainbows and the ozone layer. I have a poster of Ed Begley Jr. in my bedroom. I also don't care about the metric fuckton of awful I have unleashed upon the environment by having this shipped across an ocean.

Yugo GV - Literally nothing has gone my way since 1987. I've stopped fucking caring.

Aston Martin - I like to think that I am like James Bond. The truth is...I'm not even as cool as Gold Bond.





Volkswagen Rabbit - I am a tree hugging free spirit of the 1960's and 70's...even though I was born in 1987.

Nissan Xterra - I'd love to have a big manly SUV...but I am worried about rising gas prices. Also...the big SUVs scare me. I'll go with the Nissan. Hey...at least it isn't a soccer mom van.

Scion xB - I'm big pimpin' in my cutting edge ride. Well...small pimpin'. It really isn't very big. But it has lots of neat features which pander speak to my age demographic.

Nissan Cube - I want to be even more cutting edge that those Scion guys. Also...the Scion dealership was out of xBs so I settled for this.

Hummer H3 - I have every Arnold Schwarzenegger movie on DVD. I wear my satin Planet Hollywood jacket everywhere. I have a gym membership. I would overcompensate more...but I'm on a budget.

Chevrolet Avalanche - I want a truck. No...maybe an SUV. No. A truck. Well...maybe an SUV. Hey! That looks like a shitty Gobot. I'll take it!



Thursday, August 6, 2009

Tom Hacklefield: Math Teacher

Math Test
Teacher: Tom Hacklefield
Grade: 4th
Student: Timmy Smith
Date: 2/12/07





Letter from Principal Wolfe to Tom Hacklefield
Date: 2/13/07





Math Test
Teacher: Tom Hacklefield
Grade: 4th
Date: 4/10/07





Newspaper: The Circleville Times
Date: 6/8/07



Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Incredibly Bad Love Poetry

Ever since the written word was first created, man has sought to illustrate deep emotion through the art of poetry.

The following are some incredibly bad poems about love.



How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways...
One
Blow Job
I'm out.





My love's face is like
a fine fine wine.
That sat in a wine cellar
for many years.
Still....she has great tits.



If only you knew
how I long for you
when you go down on me
I'm happy as a tree.

I've heard trees are happy.

Shut up and make with the head.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Actual Awful Books

Whilst searching the internet deliberately avoiding doing any practical work (and even avoiding coming up with something to write for this website) I discovered an odd little website.

Awful Library Books

Awful Library Books explains its purpose on the about us page: This site is a collection of public library holdings that we find amusing and maybe questionable for public libraries trying to maintain a current and relevant collection.

As I scrolled down I found the following...





Holy shit.

And there is even a photo of the inside...





Yep. One suggestion is to help your mentally challenged (or "retarded" guy as per the book title) friend craft an Indian tom-tom. With a swastika on it. Because...why the hell not?

Now, I know that pretty much 98% percent of what is written on this website is total bullshit. But I am not making this one up. Sure, we made up some shit about Lesser Known Dr. Seuss Books and even lied about some famous cartoons.

But this is not one of our lies. That is a real website and that is a real book.

It got me wondering how many other awful books there might be circulating in libraries and bookstores. But I'm lazy. So I hit google.

I tried typing in "awful books" in the image search...



Click image to enlarge


Yeah. The first result on the first page was The Diary of Anne Frank. That's seemed kinda fucked. Who considers the harrowing tale of a young girl hiding from Nazis in the German occupied Netherlands to be "awful"?

When I clicked on the link it took me to a blog that was actually commenting on the aforementioned Awful Library Books website. So I guess it wasn't as fucked up as I originally thought. It is, however, like some messed up six degrees game. The Awful Library Books website appears to be at the center of the awful book universe. Like Kevin Bacon. But of awful books and not so much film actors.

Shut up. You know what I meant.

My next search, this time using the search terms "messed up books", garnered the following lovely book...





Not this is some shit I have to look into.

Luckily, Amazon.com had a listing.

The reviews...were amazing.



Click image to enlarge




Click image to enlarge


I'm fucking sold. I gotta get that book.

Further in my search for "messed up books" I unearthed the following piece of awesome...





John Matuszak wrote a book.

"Who is John Matuszak?" some of you may ask.

One might answer, "Matuszak was an American football player who played for the Oakland Raiders who under John Madden's guidance won two Super Bowls."

But that guy would be an idiot. The real answer is "John Matuszak played Sloth in the fucking Goonies! He was in Ice Pirates, too, (another sweet classic) but he was fucking Sloth, man!"





Sloth wrote a fucking book!

On my last search, I came across the following interesting tome for children...





OK. I may have completely made that one up.

So my search for "messed up books" yielded by Anyone Can Be Cool...But Awesome Takes Practice and Cruisin' With The Tooz. Both books that seem kinda fucking great to me. Not so much messed up.

Luckily, Amazon.com seems to have both available used for a penny each. I know what I am gonna be reading next week. And if that divorce one was real, I'd read that bad boy, too.

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