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Monday, July 27, 2009

15 Incredibly Bad Excuses For Calling In Sick

1. I put too much creatine in my breakfast protein shake this morning and now I'm too buff to fit through the front door.

2. I'm still in mourning about Michael Jackson. (Too soon?)

3. My dog ate my powerpoint presentation.

4. Quiet Riot is in town. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!

5. I woke up late but then I felt a little off. I kinda felt like I needed to fart but then I got paranoid that I might shart myself. So I'm gonna spend the day on the bowl and just wait that bitch out.

6. Sorry, I'm running a little late. Wait...was today the mandatory drug test? Yeah...um...I have swine flu.

7. I stubbed my toe and it really, really, really hurts.

8. That hottie from the copy room who looks like Scarlett Johansson went out with me last night. She totally fucked me. Now I need to spend the day high fiving everyone I've ever met in my life.

9. I'm feeling fat today so I'm just going to go ahead and stay home and "think thin".

10. I'm sorry. I was just about ready to leave but as it turns out I can't find my penis. Or my blackberry.

11. It's senior skip day at the high school down the street and I'm looking to tap some barely legal ass!

12. They had to reschedule my transgender surgery and today was the only day available.

13. I watched Dawn of the Dead and 28 Days Later back-to-back last night and now I'm a little too scared to leave my house.

14. It looks like I just inherited three million dollars from a long lost relative in Nigeria. I gotta go to the bank and get a bank transfer to make sure things stay on track. I'm really looking forward to that money.

15. My chakras are misaligned.

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