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Thursday, September 7, 2006

Lesser Known Dr. Seuss Books

While most of us grew up with the beautiful works of Dr. Seuss such as The Cat In The Hat, The Lorax, and One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish.

What most people don't realize is that there are quite a few books that were...well...poorly thought out. These mysterious books have generally slipped out of print, but occasionally they can be found in older libraries and used bookstores.

The following are a few examples of the lesser known work of Dr. Seuss.

Horton Has A Ho!

With the fact that not all children have the same economic advantages, it is a sad but true fact that some children would eventually enter into the world of pimping. To those ends, this slim volume was penned to address the lessons of pimping.

Horton Has A Ho! takes our protagonist Horton into the seamy underbelly of urban life. Finding himself a ho, he gets down to business and starts pimping.

At times scary, this lovely children's story will gently educate your child about the relative merits of pimping...as well as its dangers.

How can one not love a book with lines like the following:

Pimping ain't easy
But it brings in the riches
So gather some whores
And start pimping those bitches!

Pure magic! Just reading those lines, I almost feel like I, myself, am pimping.

The Cat In The Hat Got Fat

This fine book was an educational tale about the growing problem of obesity.

We follow the Cat as he gorges on fatty fast foods in the aftermath of a depressing breakup with his girlfriend of six years.

This has the twofold advantage of teaching better eating habits, as well as the right and wrong was to deal with adversity such as heartbreak.

The Cat grows quite fat and ultimately resolves to enter an eating disorder facility due to the love and compassion shown to him by his friends.

Foreseeing the epidemic of childhood obesity, Dr. Seuss left us cautionary rhymes like the following:

The Cat in the Hat got fat
his girth has grown much greater
you can tell wherever he sat
for he left a gaping crater

you, too, could grow quite plump
if you just sit around eating food
you will get too fat to jump
and then you will be fucking screwed!

If you ever loved the original book, you will delight in this sequel.

If you hated the original, you can get a sick pleasure from watching the Cat get fat as hell as his life come crashing down around him.

Either way, you win.

I've Got Sneetches In My Breetches And I Hope I Don't Have Herpies!

This book, especially coupled with the aforementioned Horton Has A Ho, can be a devastating tool for educating our youth about the scourge of sexually transmitted diseases.

When a young lad meets a seductive woman, she takes him out for drinks which ultimately culminates in the lad going home with her.

As such, one thing leads to another and sexual intercourse takes place.

The following rhymes sum up the boy's plight:

I met a girl in town
I liked the way she thinks
Her hair was very brown
She asked me out for drinks.

I didn't listen to the speeches
I drank too many slurpies
Now I've got the Sneetches
And I hope I don't have herpies!

It would be difficult to find a better STD primer for ages 5-12.

The Better Butter Buttsex Book

It is believed that this was penned as a dirty joke to be shared with friends and family.

Somehow it made it onto his publisher's desk and saw print based on Dr. Seuss' reputation of crafting fine children's literature.

Frankly, you probably shouldn't let your child anywhere near this book.

It's would be hard enough to explain the buttsex part...but even having read it, I'm not sure why there is so much butter involved.

As an adult, however, it is fucking hilarious.

If I had access to these wonderful stories as a youth, I know I would have grown up quite differently. Should you ever chance to run into these books, think about purchasing them for a child you know.

Except for that buttsex one. Don't give that one to a kid. That's fucked up.

Note to Legal Counsel for the estate of Dr. Seuss:
We admit that everything in the above article is complete and utter horseshit. We made it all up. Even the graphics are pretty shitty. I doubt anyone would ever believe something so egregiously stupid.
So.....please don't sue us. Pretty please.

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