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Thursday, January 8, 2009

Last Wills of the Famous

Throughout history, many people have left odd and interesting wills upon their deaths.

For instance, Charles Vance Millar, a Canadian lawyer and financier, had in his will a bequest leaving the bulk of his estate to the Toronto woman who had the greatest number of children in the ten years after his death. No shit.

The tireless and astute BDF research team have dug up a few more historical wills for your perusal.

Adolf Hitler

To Ava Braun, my little cutie patootie. Who, for the record, was only a Nazi in the bedroom. To her I leave my record collection and my kick ass turn tables. I bequeath also my supply of syphilis medication. Sorry about that.

To the S.S, you guys are the true ballers. No one else could party like you sons of bitches. Therefore, I leave you all an open tab at the farfrompuken and the sacred number to my coke dealer Tion. Be cool with him. He doesn't fuck around.

To my parents, you never supported my art work, you never came to see my band "Rim Job", and while I always left two tickets at will call, you never came to any of my speeches. To you both, I leave my middle finger. Seriously, it's here in the box. Put in on your mantle or shove it up your ass. I don't care.

To the people of Germany, thanks for taking a chance on a guy with only one nut in the pouch. To you all I leave a advance copy of my second novel Mein Kampf 2: My struggle with weight gain. It will change your life. Thanks for all the good times...by the way, I'm part Jewish. Hitler out!


To my friends; I leave you all my bitches. They are ribald, randy, and ready to play.

Also, I leave my sisters Agrippina, Drusilla and Julia Livilla. Nasty ones, those three. Drusilla is into water sports. No kidding. Pee all over her. She's into that shit.

Bros before hos!

Who's with me?

George Orwell

To my friends and acquaintances, I leave you...wait.

Is someone watching?

No shit. Is there anyone else around? Perhaps keeping an eye on the proceedings?

I know all you fuckers claimed I was paranoid...but it isn't paranoia if they are really out to get you. To control you. To limit your lives and your freedoms.

Didn't any of you fuckers read my books?

Fuck you all. You get nothing.

Abraham Lincoln

To my wife, Mary Todd, I leave my extensive pornography collection. I know you never really approved, but I'll bet you can sell them for a pretty penny on eBay. Food for thought.

To my best friend, Pete. You can have Mary Todd. Don't bullshit me. I always saw the way you looked at her.

To the slaves...you're welcome. I better get a fucking holiday for this.

To my old nemesis Stephen A. Douglas. Fuck you.

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