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Tuesday, January 6, 2009

General Zod: Humanitarian

After the events showcased in the educationally illuminating documentary Superman II many have wondered what happened to General Zod. The crack investigation team at BDF has uncovered the wild and fascinating voyage of the man known as Zod.

Wounded both physically and mentally by his loss at the hands of Kal-El, Zod left his two companions, Ursa and Non, and set off to "find himself".

His initial attempts to blend in with the common man were failures. His job as a grocery bagger lasted three days. On the third, a young man made a callous remark about Zod's vest and Zod reduced the poor man to dust with his heat vision. The store manager promptly fired him. Zod's next place of employment was at Sea World but this, too, was short lived.

Eventually, Zod found himself homeless. Alcoholism followed and soon Zod found himself lowered to performing lewd acts for beer money. One day Zod wandered into the Fifth Street Shelter looking to evade the harassing jibes of some young people and that's when he had his epiphany.

Zod found God.

A real photo. Not in any way a shitty photoshop.

Church brought Zod an inner peace he had never known and he applied himself to making the world a better place, not through violence, but through love. Zod renounced his title of General and put all militaristic behaviors behind him.

As he was prone to say at the time "Now Zod kneels before God".

Zod held seven extremely successful fundraisers and eventually opened three orphanages: one in Newark, New Jersey; one in Johannesburg, South Africa; and one in Des Moines, Iowa. In the course of his work with children, Zod met his soul mate.

With his new wife Kate Zod (nee Hallman), he adopted six children from various third world countries. The family now happily resides in Montana where they split their time between church functions and operating their lemur rescue facility.

As for Zod pervious compatriots, Ursa and Non moved to Branson, Missouri where they formed a successful cabaret act.

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