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Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Bars: A Review

In today's society, there are myriad different sorts of alcoholic establishments.

Sports Bar - Filled mostly with two sorts of patron: the jock and the former jock. We really aren't in favor of the sports bar. We have better things to do than listen to a bunch of dudes who "could've been a contender". The older dudes talk about how these athletes today have it soft compared to what it was like in their day. You know, back when they walked to and from school in the snow, uphill both ways.

Tit Bar - Not really a popular place to go on a date. It does, however, have its advantages. At the tit club, you know the chicks are just after your money...unlike a regular bar where you may be dumb enough to think the ladies find you funny and attractive. We like the titties as much as the next guy (or girl) but the main problem with this kind of joint is that it is difficult to just have a drink. It's really interesting and, dare I say it...fascinating, that someone can pick up a quarter using only her labia...but, frankly, I'm trying to have a drink here and that is fucking up my shit. That being said, however, having a roomful of naked chicks is the realization of all your adolescent dreams. Plus - roomful of naked titties! Damn!

Crappy Shithole - The best! Once you get past the drug dealers, lack of safety, and questionable sanitation...they are a great place to have a drink. Everyone minds their own business. Unless, of course, they are provoked (although provocation doesn't take much in a joint like this). The music is usually good and the bar hookers are quite often capable of good to mediocre conversation. Our favorite part is the company. Where else do you have 68 year olds drinking - not because they enjoy it - but, instead, to chase the dark evil demons away?

A-List Bar (a.k.a. preppy bar) - Depends upon your taste. If you like overpriced drinks, easy sex, and stupid fights...this may very well be your place! We just question the entertainment level of any place where the patrons are too busy looking into the mirror to actually have a good time.

College Bar - If you are still in college...awesome! If not, they kinda suck. Anyone living in the real world gets annoyed by listening to cheesy existential conversation, rampant giggling, and a complete lack of practical knowledge. Plus...fuck Dave Matthews. Seriously. He's making the Baby Jesus weep.

Big Damn Bar (fictional) - A thin slice of heaven. The juke box never plays every song by a specific artist in sequential order. Plus...no new country. Cash, Jennings, Nelson (the older stuff), and Hank senior....we'll let those slide. But the new shit? That stuff can eat our collective asses. Boston Red Sox? On all the time. Metallica? Limited to three songs per hour. Bartenders? Yeah...they're hot.

Basically, most bars blow. Wait for the Big Damn Bar (now open for sponsorship. Think about it).

Sports Bar - Rating: D+
Tit Bar - Rating: B+
Crappy Shithole - Rating: B
Preppy Bar - Rating: D
College Bar - Rating: C-
Big Damn Bar - Rating: A

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