15 Signs That This Is Not The Woman For You

1. When she's really angry, her head rotates 360 degrees and she pukes pea soup.

2. Every time you are horny, she is mysteriously on her period. And has been...since 1998.

3. Her real name isn't Sparkle. It is Mortimer.

4. She claims that she's from Nebraska, but when she talks in her sleep it's in Russian.

5. She does quirky things because her neighbor's dog tells her to.

6. She loves her Daddy...who is also her uncle, brother, and first cousin thrice removed.

7. God talks to her. Often. About you.

8. She really really really wants you to meet her friend Charlie. At his ranch. Because he has some "really hip" ideas.

9. She has a combover.

10. Her name is Elizabeth and she really like chopping her own wood.

11. She has named your penis "Shrek".

12. When you first go to her place, she has every issue of Modern Bride...since 1983.

13. She keeps talking about when you both go to prom...and you're both 23.

14. You had to lure her to your van with promises of ice cream and all-day suckers.

15. She really wants you to visit her hometown, Stepford.