Updated sporadically! Guaranteed!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

15 Album Titles That Never Saw The Light Of Day

1. Poison: Open up and say Amen

2. Guns N' Roses: Appetite for Construction

3. Pink Floyd: Dark Side of the Poon

4. John Coltrane: Heroin is Neat

5. O.J Simpson: O.J. Sings Songs For Lovers

6. U2: Rattle and Hum Your Cute Little Butt Over Here

7. John Lennon: Give Peace A Chance...Motherfucker

8. The Eagles: We Are The Cure For The Will To Live

9. B.B King: Lucille Is A Dirty, Dirty Whore

10. The Clash: London Is On Call Waiting

11. The Dixie Chicks: We Got Bush

12. Tom Waits: I'm A Fucked Up Individual

13. Tool: A Closer Walk With The Lord

14. Rage Against The Machine: A Right Wing Celebration

15. Tommy Tutone: All The Greatest Hits

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

5 Haikus About Orgasms

We are all familiar with the literary form Haiku. Seventeen syllables divided into three lines: 5,7,5. The following are 5 haikus about orgasms. Because we are juvenile like that.



O.K. Is it me?
Or is Risky Business hot?
I came three times



She was really hot
It was when she smiled at me
I juiced in my pants



The moment is near
It is happening now. AH!
Now I want a nap



We are naked now
She reaches over to me
Damn! I came too soon.



When I watch Swordfish
I am forced to touch myself
Don't lie...you do too.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Lost Television Pilots

Television production can be an interesting ride. Each season, networks create loads of pilots and then see which ones advertisers and viewers might be interested in watching. Some become shows...others become forgotten mistakes.

Eager to find success, networks will craft reality shows, spinoffs, updates, etc. But it is a tricky game. For every rampant success like the eleven season run of Frasier, there is an embarrassing abomination like Joey.

The crack investigative team here at BDF have uncovered some forgotten pilots that never made it to the airwaves. Here are their stories.





CSI: Mayberry

Having already spawned successful spinoffs with Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. and Mayberry R.F.D., The Andy Griffith Show was seen as a hot property just waiting to be rejuvenated.

When the network began to fret that there might not be an audience for the homespun fun and wisdom of the original format, they decided to use the town as the source for a spinoff of another popular franchise: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation.

Opie Taylor is now grown up and has taken over his late father's duties as sheriff of Mayberry. With his friends, Chester Fife and Homer Pyle, Sheriff Opie used forensic science to discover the perpetrators of crimes around the town.

In the pilot alone, the three discovered who swiped Mrs. Beasley's apple pie from the window sill as well as who was responsible for hitting a mailbox with their car.

Riveting stuff.

Unfortunately, nobody else agreed. The pilot failed.

Magnum D.U.I.

Like his father, Thomas Sullivan Magnum Jr. was a U.S. Navy SEAL and played quarterback for the United States Naval Academy football team. Unlike his father, Magnum Jr. became a cop. Relegated to monitoring speed traps and D.U.I. checkpoints, Magnum's life wasn't quite as exciting as his father's.

And neither was this pilot.

Honey, I'm a Heeb!

With the success of reality shows like The Bachelor, the idea germinated in young producer Jim Sleighterly's head to create a more sensational version.

In this show, 25 self-avowed white supremacist females are vying for the affections of a rich bachelor. What they don't know is that the bachelor is Jewish.

Will love overcome prejudice?

Will Jim Sleighterly ever work again after coming up with something this offensively awful?

SAW: The Animated Series

Jigsaw sends his friend Billy the Puppet to kids dealing with turmoil in their lives. Billy guides children towards making the correct moral choices...or else.

In the pilot, young Tom never wants to drink milk and instead buys cans of soda with his lunch at school. Billy arrives one day and straps a bomb to Tom's chest and the key to unlock the mechanism is in the bottom of a glass of milk. Does Tom really prefer the soda now? Ultimately, Tom learns a lesson about proper nutrition and the final scene has Billy riding off on his little red red tricycle to help other children.

Designed to find a fun and hip way to teach morality, the series caused a firestorm of controversy among parents because...well, be fucking serious. It's a animated series based on some of the most gruesome films in horror history.

The Golden Guys

With the success of updates like 90210 and Knight Rider, NBC decided to dust off their 80's success The Golden Girls.

With a cast of such stars as Bob Newhart, James Garner, Don Rickles, and Jackie Mason the new updated version focused on four older men sharing a home in Miami, Florida.

And it sucked. To this day none of the four stars will admit having shot the pilot.

Of course, that's probably because I made it all up. But...whatever.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

5 Haikus About Animals

We are all familiar with the literary form Haiku. Seventeen syllables divided into three lines: 5,7,5. The following are some facts about animals utilizing this artform.



Horses are so neat
They can do stuff I can't
Like poop while they walk



Alligators suck
They'll eat you if they catch you
But they make nice shoes



Panda bears are dumb
They don't seem to want to fuck
Soon they'll be extinct



Leopards run too fast
I would never get away
I am not cat food



Sheep are really gay
No. It's a proven fact
Sheep like the man love

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

A Reconciliation Letter

Sometimes we all make mistakes. Sometimes we make big enough mistakes that we get dumped or our spouses leave us. When this happens...it is time to come crawling back and beg for forgiveness. To help those poor souls in their endeavor to win back the relationship they so rightfully lost, BDF has put together this do-it-yourself I-Want-You-Back letter.

If you need assistance in regaining the affections of a lost love, simply fill in the blanks, print it off, and send it away to your intended recipient.

Of you can download a PDF version if you are seriously intent on doing something this stupid.

Note: If he/she gets incredibly pissed, BDF is not responsible. Don't blame us for the shitstorm you bring down by using a fill-in-the-blanks letter you found on the internet.

Also, if by chance this letter actually works for you...but then you find out you were better off apart, feel free to use our Break-Up Letter.

 

My dearest ,

I wake up each and every day realizing that I want to you. I'm so very sorry I that woman last .

Really. You were and I was being a .

Although, in my defense, you were kind of a the other night. I mean, I guess I can sometimes, but sometimes I can , too.

Even though you were , I still you. You're my fuzzy little . Am I still your hunk of ? I hope so.

Please let me know if we can put the past behind us and give this thing another shot.


Circle one










YES




NO





Sincerely,



P.S. Either way, I still want to you.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

15 Signs That This Is Not The Woman For You

1. When she's really angry, her head rotates 360 degrees and she pukes pea soup.

2. Every time you are horny, she is mysteriously on her period. And has been...since 1998.

3. Her real name isn't Sparkle. It is Mortimer.

4. She claims that she's from Nebraska, but when she talks in her sleep it's in Russian.

5. She does quirky things because her neighbor's dog tells her to.

6. She loves her Daddy...who is also her uncle, brother, and first cousin thrice removed.

7. God talks to her. Often. About you.

8. She really really really wants you to meet her friend Charlie. At his ranch. Because he has some "really hip" ideas.

9. She has a combover.

10. Her name is Elizabeth and she really like chopping her own wood.

11. She has named your penis "Shrek".

12. When you first go to her place, she has every issue of Modern Bride...since 1983.

13. She keeps talking about when you both go to prom...and you're both 23.

14. You had to lure her to your van with promises of ice cream and all-day suckers.

15. She really wants you to visit her hometown, Stepford.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

15 Signs That You Are A Drunkard

1. When the bartender buys you a shot he says "Last night was hilarious"...and you pretend to know what the hell he is talking about.

2. You piss in the sink...even though the bathroom is otherwise unoccupied.

3. You have often woken up curled up on the floor next to the refrigerator.

4. People call you "that one funny drunk guy".

5. Co-workers have remarked "Oddly enough, you are funnier when you are sober. If I remember correctly."

6. When you are absent from the bar for a few days, the bar staff sends you "get well soon" flowers.

7. Occasionally, when you piss yourself...you don't care.

8. When you are playing Golden Tee with your friends, you keep asking them why "Pac-Man looks so fucking different".

9. You owe more on your bar tab than you do on your mortgage.

10. People often mistake you for someone that is mentally handicapped.

11. The last clear and unadulterated memory you have was watching The Goonies. In the theater. In 1985.

12. Your mother has the bar on speed dial.

13. People laugh at you, not so much with you.

14. You refer to a hangover as "that thing that happens every morning".

15. You are amazed to find a startling lack of applause when you finish your song. Of course, it isn't a karaoke bar...but you stopped caring three drinks ago.

Monday, January 12, 2009

A Resignation Letter

Many people find it difficult to find the correct means to quit their jobs. To help those poor souls in their endeavor to free themselves of the bonds of employment, BDF has put together this do-it-yourself I-Quit-My-Job letter.

If you plan on quitting your job and need some help, simply fill in the blanks, print it off, and send it away to your intended recipient.

Of you can download a PDF version if you are seriously intent on doing something this stupid.

Note: If you use this and consequently get fired and blacklisted from whatever industry you work in, BDF is not responsible. Don't blame us for the shitstorm you bring down by using a fill-in-the-blanks letter you found on the internet.

 

Dear ,

After much introspection and personal council, I have some to the conclusion that I can no longer perform my duties at this institution. Partly is is because but mostly it is due to .

Working for you has been the of my life. I will never forget the time you .

But alas, all this must come to an end.

As I leave the hallowed halls of this place, you might be interested to know that I in your . In my defense, you are a real .

I will try to remember the good times and I have many fond memories of working here.

Although, there isn't enough beer in the world to make me forget .

Now I must take my leave and look towards the future. Maybe one day we will run into each other again. Hopefully you won't be such a by that time.

Sincerely,



P.S. Please don't forget to

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Last Wills of the Famous

Throughout history, many people have left odd and interesting wills upon their deaths.

For instance, Charles Vance Millar, a Canadian lawyer and financier, had in his will a bequest leaving the bulk of his estate to the Toronto woman who had the greatest number of children in the ten years after his death. No shit.

The tireless and astute BDF research team have dug up a few more historical wills for your perusal.





Adolf Hitler

To Ava Braun, my little cutie patootie. Who, for the record, was only a Nazi in the bedroom. To her I leave my record collection and my kick ass turn tables. I bequeath also my supply of syphilis medication. Sorry about that.

To the S.S, you guys are the true ballers. No one else could party like you sons of bitches. Therefore, I leave you all an open tab at the farfrompuken and the sacred number to my coke dealer Tion. Be cool with him. He doesn't fuck around.

To my parents, you never supported my art work, you never came to see my band "Rim Job", and while I always left two tickets at will call, you never came to any of my speeches. To you both, I leave my middle finger. Seriously, it's here in the box. Put in on your mantle or shove it up your ass. I don't care.

To the people of Germany, thanks for taking a chance on a guy with only one nut in the pouch. To you all I leave a advance copy of my second novel Mein Kampf 2: My struggle with weight gain. It will change your life. Thanks for all the good times...by the way, I'm part Jewish. Hitler out!





Caligula

To my friends; I leave you all my bitches. They are ribald, randy, and ready to play.

Also, I leave my sisters Agrippina, Drusilla and Julia Livilla. Nasty ones, those three. Drusilla is into water sports. No kidding. Pee all over her. She's into that shit.

Bros before hos!

Who's with me?





George Orwell

To my friends and acquaintances, I leave you...wait.

Is someone watching?

No shit. Is there anyone else around? Perhaps keeping an eye on the proceedings?

I know all you fuckers claimed I was paranoid...but it isn't paranoia if they are really out to get you. To control you. To limit your lives and your freedoms.

Didn't any of you fuckers read my books?

Fuck you all. You get nothing.





Abraham Lincoln

To my wife, Mary Todd, I leave my extensive pornography collection. I know you never really approved, but I'll bet you can sell them for a pretty penny on eBay. Food for thought.

To my best friend, Pete. You can have Mary Todd. Don't bullshit me. I always saw the way you looked at her.

To the slaves...you're welcome. I better get a fucking holiday for this.

To my old nemesis Stephen A. Douglas. Fuck you.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

5 Haikus About Food

We are all familiar with the literary form Haiku. Seventeen syllables divided into three lines: 5,7,5. The following are some views on food utilizing this artform.




Black, red or refried
Beans in your tiny glory
Make me shit like fire.



Popeye was real cool
This one time I ate spinach
I didn't get strong.



Eggs when Benedict
So very tasty to me
Then I fart sulfur.



Chicken is tasty
So are beef and bacon bits
PETA sucks my ass.



Greasy Greasy Beef
Be it burger or pot roast
Slides right out of me.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

General Zod: Humanitarian

After the events showcased in the educationally illuminating documentary Superman II many have wondered what happened to General Zod. The crack investigation team at BDF has uncovered the wild and fascinating voyage of the man known as Zod.

Wounded both physically and mentally by his loss at the hands of Kal-El, Zod left his two companions, Ursa and Non, and set off to "find himself".

His initial attempts to blend in with the common man were failures. His job as a grocery bagger lasted three days. On the third, a young man made a callous remark about Zod's vest and Zod reduced the poor man to dust with his heat vision. The store manager promptly fired him. Zod's next place of employment was at Sea World but this, too, was short lived.

Eventually, Zod found himself homeless. Alcoholism followed and soon Zod found himself lowered to performing lewd acts for beer money. One day Zod wandered into the Fifth Street Shelter looking to evade the harassing jibes of some young people and that's when he had his epiphany.

Zod found God.




A real photo. Not in any way a shitty photoshop.


Church brought Zod an inner peace he had never known and he applied himself to making the world a better place, not through violence, but through love. Zod renounced his title of General and put all militaristic behaviors behind him.

As he was prone to say at the time "Now Zod kneels before God".

Zod held seven extremely successful fundraisers and eventually opened three orphanages: one in Newark, New Jersey; one in Johannesburg, South Africa; and one in Des Moines, Iowa. In the course of his work with children, Zod met his soul mate.

With his new wife Kate Zod (nee Hallman), he adopted six children from various third world countries. The family now happily resides in Montana where they split their time between church functions and operating their lemur rescue facility.

As for Zod pervious compatriots, Ursa and Non moved to Branson, Missouri where they formed a successful cabaret act.

Big Damn History: The Rosensterns

Wigs. Some bald guys wear them. Some weird lawyers in England do too. How did they come to be? Nobody can really trace the history of wigs (OK. Somebody probably can and has but we didn't feel like googling it) but we do know about the history of the most prominent wigmaking family in history: The Rosensterns.

Samuel Rosenstern was the first notable wigmaker of his line. While other wigmakers were using horse-hair, wool, or even buffalo hair, Samuel Rosenstern was the first to use real human hair in his wigs. His work was so good that his first major client was Herod the Great (who wasn't really all that great, according to Samuel's diary). Late in his life and career he made wigs for Nero. According to Samuel's diary, Nero was even more of a dick than you would think.

The next notable member of the Rosenstern clan was Abram Rosenstern. Abram's most illustrious client was Elizabeth I. While she is wildly known for her red wigs, what is less well known was the masterpiece Abram created at her behest: The merkin.

Abram created this unique wig style for Elizabeth I who was quite odd when it came to her vaginal accoutrements. While she enjoyed being freshly shorn, she also wanted lively colors for each and every day. Abram created fourteen merkins of various colors and lengths for Elizabeth, in the course of doing so he created the color chartreuse. True story.

The 18th century was a boon for the wigmaking business. Harold Rosenstern was making powdered wigs for all of the really famous and hip people of the time. By this time, having "a Rosenstern" was the equivalent of having a "Stradivarius" for violinists. Harold was invitied to the swankiest parties and hobnobbed with the rich, famous, and even the infamous.

In his business, Harold created wigs for George Washington, King George III, and Thomas Jefferson. In his personal life, Harold found himself cavorting with one one newspaper reporter of the time termed "the dregs of society". Harold had discovered cocaine.

Driven by long drug fueled hours at the wig loom, Harold created fascinating (but virtually impossible to wear) wigs that were more style than substance. After being removed from yet another museum after haranguing the curator to give him a one man exhibit, Harold bumped into Maude.

Maude helped Harold settle down and soon he was off the coke and they were working on making a family and a stable home. Unfortunately for the Rosenstern line, Harold was the first of his family not to have a son. When his daughter, Joan, married a young Robert Guildencrantz, Rosenstern taught Guildencrantz the trade and the new wing of the family continued doing business under the more famous Rosenstern name.

As the 20th century dawned, wigmaking hit the skids as less people wore wigs. In 1912, John Havermeyer's pioneering work with "the combover" was sweeping the bald nation and by the time of the roaring twenties, more and more men simply wore hats. In light of these events, in 1962, the Rosenstern wigshop on Saville Row in London closed. A week later Michael Guildencrantz reopened as a haberdashery.

Michael made fashionable and expensive hats for all the hipsters of the time. Brian Jones, Mick Jagger, and even Bob Dylan. Unfortunately, as the sixties gave way to the seventies people gave up wearing hats. The Rosenstern/Guildencrantz family faded into obscurity and the art of both wigmaking and haberdashery has never been the same.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Monkey: The Most Awesome Primate?

Many moons ago, man walked out of the jungle leaving his cousin, the monkey, behind. Millennia later, BDF returns to our long tailed furry friends to reach out and shake the hand, a hand so like our own (what with that whole opposable thumb thing) and say "We respect you."

Yes, monkeys are best known for eating bananas and flinging poo, but they are capable of so much more.

There have been numerous stories of monkeys pulling children from fires, solving complex calculus problems, landing on (and blowing up) asteroids racing toward Earth. They are also generally acknowledged as the world champions of thumb wrestling.

Some even postulate that in 1942 Hitler sent a troupe of monkeys to the moon to start a Nazi moon base. And they remain there today. That's probably bullshit but I'll tell you...I can't gaze at the moon without picturing a bunch of tiny monkeys throwing moon poo at each other.

Behind every great man, has stood a monkey. Pierre, the so called "pet" of Charlamagne, is known to have finger painted "Chuck, take over the world. I believe in you." Inspiring, isn't it?

Citizen Kane was actually based on the life of Harvey Stapleton, an early 20th century Norwegian publisher and his monkey, Rosie. The whole sled thing was just a fucked up metaphor.

While many are aware of the theory that William Shakespeare didn't author the famous works that are credited to him. Some postulate Francis Bacon, Christopher Marlowe, William Stanley (6th Earl of Derby) or even Edward de Vere (17th Earl of Oxford). Did you know that yet another theory is that they were written by two monkeys, Chim-Chim and Cap'n Geech? Much akin to the later infinite monkey theorem which states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely eventually write Shakespeare...these two actually may have done it. And it didn't take infinite time. A mere three weeks and four hundred bananas. True story. Maybe.

How about the phrase "more fun than a barrel of monkeys"? Seriously. I can't think of too many things that would be more fun than a barrel of monkeys. I mean, depending on the size of the barrel...that could potentially be a lot of monkeys. More monkeys = more fun.

We can't forget the impact of sock monkeys on art. Granted, sock monkeys aren't real monkeys...but they are both cute and monkey-like. So...close enough.

Imagine, if you will, a world with more monkeys. What could we not accomplish with such a strong partnership? We think it would be an incredible world to live in. Don't you?

Related Posts with Thumbnails