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Friday, December 12, 2008

Santa Claus: The Truth

Christmas is coming. People are looking for trees, buying gifts, pretending they are looking forward to spending time with their families. The same things we do every December.

But during all this, we must remain vigilant. The fat man is coming.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. And he's a dick.

Sure, some of you claim he is just a sweet old fat ass who gives kids toys and joy. Bullshit. That's just his cover story.

This fat bastard breaks into homes every damn year. He eats our cookies. He drinks our milk. He touches our daughters inappropriately. He laughs at our sons and calls them "pussies". He steals my vodka (that's my story and I'm sticking to it).

Sure, he sometimes leaves presents for good children, but for "bad" children he leaves coal.

Fucking coal.

If he gave you nothing, that would be understandable, but coal is just a big "fuck you" to a kid.

And isn't he supposed to be immortal? If he truly is, he can't possibly be human. So we allow this inhuman....thing....to break into our houses once a year. What if he is a fucking alien? The guy could have a mutant brother in his chest like Kuato from Total Recall. You don't know.

Even further, he has the temerity to make wild demands that we have to go along with. Like tacking socks up to the fireplace mantle. Leaving out treats for him to eat. WTF?


Enough, I say.

We need to tell this fat foreign, possibly alien, bastard to get his ass back to the North Pole and stay there. We don't need him invading our homes, fucking up our shit, and then leaving a toy or two. In the 21st Century, we have Amazon.com to bring us shit. We don't need that fat criminal.

Anyone who makes demands and then breaks into your house to see if you have fulfilled those demands is...dare I say it...a terrorist.

You are either with us, or you are with the fat man. Make your choice.

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