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Tuesday, December 9, 2008

How To Make Friends

If you are sitting on your ass reading this website, there is a good change you are a lonely bastard. But that's OK. Being a lonely bastard is a situation that can easily be remedied...with friends.

"But, what are these 'friends' you speak of?" you might be asking.

"Friends are people who voluntarily hang out with you." we might reply.

We also might reply with a curt "eat dick" which is honestly far more likely, but ultimately not as helpful. And today we are trying to be helpful.

First, you will need to reconnoiter the area in while you aspire to amass friends. This can be as simply as staying in your car and creepily staring through the front window of a bar until someone makes eye contact with you. For more complexity, we recommend a ninja suit, some smoke bombs, night vision specs, and a voice modulator. But at this stage, you might not be quite ready for that.

Once you have surveyed your area, sally forth in the direction of your intended future friend.

Now, you have some options.

The Immediate Friend Approach

One option is to stand nearby. but unobtrusive. Wait until you hear someone refer to your intended by his given name. For this example, we will use the name "Horatio". At this stage, stride towards Horatio with confidence and poise, thrust out your hand and say:

"Horatio! Long time, no see. How have you been?"

Most people are too embarrassed to admit when they don't remember someone, so he will just go with it and feign knowing you. Now you are friends. In fact, according to you...you have been friends for years. You should probably hit Horatio up for a loan or something, you know, considering how long you guys have known each other.

The Gorillas in the Mist Approach

This option is more macho. To win friends, sometimes a man must prove he is the alpha in the room. You could always pick a fight with the biggest meanest looking guy in the room, but there is always the change that you will have your ass pounded into asphalt and that isn't going to win any friends. To avoid just this sort of situation, you should follow the wise teachings in our How To Win A Fight article.

Another route is to show masculine superiority. If, like most of us at BDF, you have an amazingly awesome and large penis...go ahead and whip that bad boy out. No man will be able to look at your manly and almost supernaturally rugged meatpole without immediately feeling the need to befriend you.

It's just nature, man.

You could also overtly challenge the other guy's masculinity. Look at what he is drinking and say:

"Wow. I thought only ugly women, Hungarians, and flaming homosexuals drank that stuff. But...you know...if that's your thing...."

Then take a manly pull off your own beverage.

Note: this method doesn't work if you are drinking something like "Miller Chill" or "Smirnoff Ice".

The Steve McQueen Method

You gotta be really cool to pull this one off. I mean, McQueen cool.

Which is impossible. Nobody was ever as cool as McQueen and nobody else ever will be. But try it on anyway.

Basically, just outcool the guy.

Sidle up to where he is hanging out, and then glance over him in the most dismissive way you can. Then, just keep on being cool.

People are drawn to other people that are cooler than them. It's a scientific fact.

If you aren't cool, you are probably screwed. But it would explain why you need to read an article on a comedy site about how to make friends.

Sad bastard.

Yeah. I'm judging you. What of it? Wanna see my penis?

Wait. That came out wrong.

Nevermind.

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