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Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Global Warming: The Truth

In 1977, then-congressman Al Gore and a cadre of animal rights activists and scientists attempted to repopulate the Earth with the Great Naugabeast. Their attempts at cloning were cutting edge at the time.

In 1979, they succeeded.

What no one could have forseen was the fact that the Naugabeast has a very particular diet. And that diet has very particular side effects.

Unfortunately for Gore, and the world at large, the gaseous emanations (a.k.a. farts) the Nauagabeasts released had a devastating impact on the ozone layer. Over time, it became clear that the beasts were causing the world's temperature to rise. Glaciers began melting. Sea levels began to rise. Hollywood films got shittier and shittier.

That last part wasn't the Naugabeasts' fault, but it is worth noting. Seriously. Have you seen Four Christmases?

While herds of the Great Nauagabeast roamed the super-secret fields at Area 51, Gore and his team made another serious error in judgment....they decided to bring back the Pleatheraptor.

As it turns out, the Pleatheraptor isn't nearly as docile as was once believed. When the baby Pleatheraptors first began to attack, it was ascribed to the fact that someone was listening to a Robert Goulet CD. Once the music was stopped, it was realized that these things were just fucking mean.

These evens were fictionalized in the Michael Crichton novel Jurassic Park which was later adapted into an even further fictionalized film by Steven Spielberg.

In 1984, all animal cloning was banned by the U.S. government. Select members of Congress, the armed forces, and the President met in secret and it was decided that the Nauagabeasts would stay at Area 51, while the Pleatheraptors would be housed in Hanger 18 at the Wright-Patt Air Force Base. All documentation of the experiments were destroyed.

In a scramble to hide what they had done, Gore and his team started a disinformation campaign to blame "Global Warming" on human-generated greenhouse gases. He even went as far as making a film, An Inconvenient Truth, to further the lie.

Ironically, global warming is man-made.

One man.

Al Gore.

Thank a lot, Al.

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