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Monday, December 8, 2008

Canada: A Review

I was going to travel to Canada and do an in depth review of the country. But I don't have a passport. And I don't really want to drive that far. So I thought I would just write what I know.

Which, when it comes to Canada, admittedly isn't very much. But let's roll, anyway.

Canada. A country filled with Canadians. Where is it? Who knows. Many legends have sprung up based on the mysterious country of Canada. Even the name is incorrect. Much like the Norwegians in Norwegia, Canadians actually refer to their country as "Canadia". True story.

The average Canadian speaks three languages: French, English, and Quimbly. Modern linguists aren't yet able to pin down the history of this curious language. Many non-native Quimbly speakers who have heard the language claim it just sounds like pig latin. But it isn't like those guys are trained linguists so what the fuck do they know?

While it must be said that Quimbly does sound similar to pig latin there are some key differences that experts have discovered. For one, Quimbly doesn't have the letter "x". Also, the name "Quimbly" is completely different that the term "pig latin".

At birth, all Canadians are issued a tuque that they must wear for the rest of their lives. Luckily, the crafty fabric scientists in Canadia have discovered various materials that will comfortably stretch with a human's growing skull and yet still look fashionable.

In upper Canadia, people subsist primarily on a diet of cabbage, duck, and aardvark. Lower Canadians are 98% vegetarian, although on Christmas they eat a ceremonial meal of turducken.

Gin and rum are outlawed in all 15 states of Canadia. Beer is the primary beverage for all ages as there is no specific legal drinking age in Canadia.

There has historically been much hostility between Canadia and Newfoundland. In 1982, after the third Canadian War between Canadia and the vicious nomadic rebels of Newfoundland, the two countries made peace and now simply make jokes at each other's expense.

The wildlife in Canadia are all amazingly and unfailingly polite. The only exception to this is the wombat which we all know, contrary to its name, is not a bat. The Wombat is actually a very large predatory insect. It feeds on the souls of lost children and dances to the beat of the rhythm of the night. Until the morning light.

All in all, I would say that Canadia is a fascinating place that everyone should try to visit at least one in his or her life. True story. Or as the Candians say, ue-tray ory-stray!

Canada - Rating: C-
Canadia - Rating: A+

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