Big Damn Resolutions

We here at BDF know that while there is no real reason to make New Year's Resolutions (because you are just gonna get drunk and break them all in one night) people still seem to make them. As such, we thought we would offer some suggestions. Pick and choose and make your own list. A list that you will promptly ignore.

1. Stop watching Two and a Half Men

2. Masturbate less

3. Get more sleep

4. Admit that soup sucks

5. Stop giving friends the suffix "ster" (e.g. The Rickster)

6. Watch more curling

7. Actually use turn signals

8. Volunteer time to The Worldwide Friends of the Naugabeast

9. Stop watching porn

10. Touch a real boob

11. Save the world

12. Find Hoffa's body

13. Come out of the closet

14. Learn to teleport

15. Spend more "me" time

16. Learn to play Bach on that old Casio keyboard from 1985

17. Purchase Anne Murray boxed set

18. Find "the brown note" on a recorder

19. Take up yoga

20. Learn to self-administer blowjobs

21. Raise start-up money for online pornographic emporium "Pornocopia"

22. Learn to play the pan flute

23. Fart less

24. Leave girlfriend for Sparkle down at the Bro's and Ho's club

25. Watch more PBS

26. Find out what a wormhole is

27. Create a wormhole

28. Drink more

29. Get up to date on membership dues for the Steve Perry fan club

30. Buy a monkey

31. Save and/or club a baby seal

32. Learn to mime

33. Start a one-hit wonder cover band: The Tommy Tutone Experience

34. Use more curse words

35. Stop making resolution lists based on suggestions from comedy sites

36. Emote more

37. Pick a fight

38. Learn to saw a woman in half

39. Take up pipe smoking

40. Grow a beard