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Tuesday, December 30, 2008

5 Poems about Beer

Ever since the written word was first created, man has sought to illustrate deep emotion through the art of poetry.

The following are some poems about beer.




Beer, oh Beer you are my friend
The Yoda to my Luke
When life is crap you help me mend
Until you make me puke.





Oh, I love you beer
Let me count the ways
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
What was I talking about?





I like Beer,
And Beer likes me.
The only loss
Is when I have to pee.

Beer is neat,
I can't deny,
It makes a toad
A handsome guy.

How I love
My good friend Beer
It gives me joy
When it is near.

Please don't leave,
I'd miss you so.
You'd leave me blue
If you should go



Beer is neat
So is sex
But beer doesn't ask
"When are you going to call?"
I think I love you, beer



Beer is great, beer is wise
It's like a fucking sage
Beer is better than women
'Cause it's never underage

Monday, December 29, 2008

Big Damn Resolutions

We here at BDF know that while there is no real reason to make New Year's Resolutions (because you are just gonna get drunk and break them all in one night) people still seem to make them. As such, we thought we would offer some suggestions. Pick and choose and make your own list. A list that you will promptly ignore.

1. Stop watching Two and a Half Men

2. Masturbate less

3. Get more sleep

4. Admit that soup sucks

5. Stop giving friends the suffix "ster" (e.g. The Rickster)

6. Watch more curling

7. Actually use turn signals

8. Volunteer time to The Worldwide Friends of the Naugabeast

9. Stop watching porn

10. Touch a real boob

11. Save the world

12. Find Hoffa's body

13. Come out of the closet

14. Learn to teleport

15. Spend more "me" time

16. Learn to play Bach on that old Casio keyboard from 1985

17. Purchase Anne Murray boxed set

18. Find "the brown note" on a recorder

19. Take up yoga

20. Learn to self-administer blowjobs

21. Raise start-up money for online pornographic emporium "Pornocopia"

22. Learn to play the pan flute

23. Fart less

24. Leave girlfriend for Sparkle down at the Bro's and Ho's club

25. Watch more PBS

26. Find out what a wormhole is

27. Create a wormhole

28. Drink more

29. Get up to date on membership dues for the Steve Perry fan club

30. Buy a monkey

31. Save and/or club a baby seal

32. Learn to mime

33. Start a one-hit wonder cover band: The Tommy Tutone Experience

34. Use more curse words

35. Stop making resolution lists based on suggestions from comedy sites

36. Emote more

37. Pick a fight

38. Learn to saw a woman in half

39. Take up pipe smoking

40. Grow a beard

Friday, December 26, 2008

5 Haikus About Sex

We are all familiar with the literary form Haiku. Seventeen syllables divided into three lines: 5,7,5. The following are some views on sex utilizing this artform.



I rip off your clothes
And you rip off all of mine
You'll be worth the cash.



You go down on me
And I will pleasure you, too
Maybe in the butt.



Your ass is so nice
Your penis inspiring
Do me. Do me now.



Tits: spectacular
Your booty is nice as well
Are we going to fuck?



Your hugs and kisses
Fill my heart with a great song.
The sex is neat, too.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Twas the (dirty) Night Before Christmas


'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
Except for my dog, a happy young pup
I yelled at him loudly, "shut the fuck up!"

The dog calmed down and I drank in some cheer
of course the word "cheer" is my code word for "beer"
After a few I glanced at the clock
It was getting quite late, I noted with shock

I retired to my chamber and awaited St. Nick
Tho' soon I got bored and began stroking my dick
But before I could come, I heard a loud sound
'Twas Santa himself, all portly and round

"Hey there fatty!" I called out to the man
"I love your work. I'm a very big fan!"
His eyes narrowed small, like his buttons of brass
I think then he knew, I was kissing his ass

"Well, what did you bring?" I inquired with charm
But Santa's eyes widened with growing alarm
I followed his gaze and suddenly felt wrong
I realized he had caught me still holding my dong

After covering myself I attempted to shrug
But Santa embraced me; a fat man bear hug
I suddenly realized that he wanted a feel
"Santa", I said, "Shit is getting too real!"

Dropping his arms and staring at the ground
He averted his gaze, which settled on my hound
"Oh no!" I cried out, "You're not fucking that dog"
But he paced towards the puppy, his eyes all agog

I jumped in the way and shoved him aside
"There's no way you're giving my greyhound a ride"
But Santa fought back with the strength of ten men
We ended up collapsing on a couch in the den

With his arms still around me, I suddenly felt warm
And that's when I noticed that he had a nice form
So that's how we met; the story of us
We rendezvous each year on the eve of Christmas



Thursday, December 18, 2008

15 Signs Of The Coming Apocalypse

1. Republicans and Democrats engage in a wild orgy during a Senate session. C-Span ratings go through the roof.

2. A 500 foot tall Stay-Puft marshmellow man strolls down Central Park West.

3. The MLB players union announces that the players believe they have been paid too much money. Charity (and hilarity) ensues.

4. Four dudes on horses literally show up on your doorstep.

5. All beer now tastes like Labatt Blue Light.

6. The big three auto companies give the U.S. government a loan.

7. Howard Stern is elected Secretary General of the U.N.

8. The Ku Klux Klan formally admits that they "may have been a little intolerant to others".

9. Curling overtakes Baseball as the National Pastime.

10. 93% of the NBA are white boys from Nebraska.

11. Sex stops being fun.

12. The National Anthem is changed to "In da Club".

13. George Lucas calls a press conference and admits that the shitty Star Wars prequels were made to fund his growing addition to collecting Hello Kitty paraphernalia.

14. Bob Dylan is coherent.

15. Carson Daly and his 8 million strong "Army of Douche" takes over the U.S. Government.

Little Known Quotes: Presidential Edition

Yet another Big Damn Installment of some little known quotes throughout history.

Incidentally, everything that follows is complete bullshit.

"Man, this play is a piece of shit. I would rather be shot in the face than sit through the rest of this thing." - Abraham Lincoln (April 14, 1865)

"I've gotten so much pity sex from this wheelchair it's ridiculous. No joke." - Franklin Delano Roosevelt (March 1931)

"Dude...they're not gonna actually secede. Relax. How bad could it be?" - James Buchanan (December, 1860)

"I don't remember who the hell I was either." - James K. Polk (June 13, 1849)

"This bear was fucking huge, I tell you. Huge. It had like...laser beams coming from its eyes. Big blood drenched claws. The whole nine. But killing it seemed kinda unsportsmanlike. And pussy. So I didn't. Because I'm cool and noble like that. True story." - Theodore Roosevelt (November 1902)

"I've got a fucking weight problem! Don't judge me. You know what? Eat a dick." - William Howard Taft (February 1922)

"Anarchist? Oh, thank God. I thought you said I was shot by an atheist. Now that would have pissed me off." - William McKinley (September 12, 1901)

"I'm sorry Charlie, you just aren't Presidential cabinet material. I'm sure something will turn up for you. Don't be a Gloomy Gus." - James Garfield to Charles J. Guiteau (June, 1881)

"I'm running against a guy named George Clinton? The funk guy?" - George Washington (November 1791)

"Oh man. I just had the weirdest dream. The Cuyahoga River in that town named after my cousin Moses caught fire and shit. It was nasty. Ah well...fuck that town anyway. " - Grover Cleveland (March, 1895)

"Hey Dolley, hon? I'm hungry. Can you make some more of those little pastry things? The...zingers?" - James Madison (July, 1804)

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

What Your Booze Says About You

In the past we have profiled both beer and booze, but now BDF would like to take a moment to tell you what your drink says about you.

Like if you were one of the Shirt Tales, but with booze.

Cristal: I have too much damn money.

Jägermeister: I am a frat boy.

Tequila: I'm not fucking around. I'm probably going to pick a fight tonight.

Miller Chill: Until the "Defense of Marriage Act" is repealed, I am going to keep pretending I am heterosexual.

Cosmopolitan: I own the entire series of Sex and the City on DVD.

Piña colada: I am on vacation.

Lemon drop: I am a girl.

Kamikazi: The name makes it sound like I am wild and ready to party. The contents make it clear I am actually a pussy.

Budweiser: I'm just a regular joe.

Bud Light: I'm just a regular joe....that is bi-curious.

Margarita: I'm just bi-curious.

Screwdriver: Sure, I'm an alcoholic...but I am also fighting scurvy.

Martini: I don't know shit about booze, but I have seen Swingers so I think this makes me look cool.

Molotov Cocktail: I am a revolutionary.

Long Island Iced Tea: I can't decide what to drink...so I will take them all.

Vodka: I'm pretty amazing.

Boone's Farm: I live in a van down by the river.

Old Grand-Dad: Life is not going my way.

White Zinfandel: I'm a soccer mom.

Appletini: Um...nobody really orders these, do they?

Bacardi: Still waiting to get my groove back.

Courvoisier: I have made love to many fine ladies from the lowliest bus station skank to the classiest most sophisticated, educated, debutant, high society... bus station skank.



Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Golf: A Review

At first glance, golf is a truly a terrifying sport; hitting a ball the size of a walnut with a stainless steel implement as far as it will go.

Kind of makes you want to put a brick wall in between the world and your junk, doesn't it?

But once explained that the ball is only plastic and rubber, you realize that golfers are like modern day warriors. One man and his club against....the WOLRD!

Sure, they wear clothes that look like my grandfather's pajamas, but clothes don't make the man. What makes the man is how hard he swings his shaft.

Golf, though the last bastion of the suburban warrior, is a costly sport. In today's economy more and more would-be warriors are forced to shelve their war-making instruments (see also: golf clubs) and find less expensive pastimes.

Yes, we are living in turbulent times. War and poverty are a blemish on the world. Some say that what the world needs is love sweet love. To that I say "Fuck you!" Indeed, "Fuck You", says I.

What the world needs is...Combos.

Combos--that great combination of pretzel and cheese-like filling from the good people at Mars in Hackettstown, NJ (who the hell knew anything good came from Jersey?). Actually, some aren't even pretzel. Some have that delightful cracker shell. Not only does the combo show both diversity and unity, but it is fucking tasty.

But enough about combos.

Golf is kind of a douche sport, but a douche sport filled with warrior douches.

And those are the scariest kind.

Golf - Rating: B
Combos - Rating: A+

Monday, December 15, 2008

The Pansies

The world of religion is filled with various fascinating and exciting beliefs. Often throughout history, there will be schisms as some sects break away from larger denominations. Many survive and are well known: Lutherans, Anglicans, etc.

Some, however, make an impact but then for whatever reason disappear into the folds of history.

As a side note, I'll be you didn't know you could fold history. It's true. Just print this out and then start making some creases. There. You just folded history. Feel strong and virile yet?

The Pentecostal Assembly of the New Salvation was formed in 1862 in Kansas. Just one year after becoming a state, the former Kansas Territory was filled with people of all walks of life.

Kansas was named after the Kansa tribe which means "people of the wind" or "people of the south wind". And that fact is the only thing true in this entire article.

Pastor John Weems was an amazing and inspiring public speaker and was quickly able to amass a flock from these various peoples known as Kansasans. As his movement grew, followers of the Pentecostal Assembly of the New Salvation, or PANS, were commonly referred to as "pansies".

Some of the Pansies beliefs would be considered a little on the weird side to today's sensibilities, but Kansas in the 1860's was a very different place. Also, I am making this shit up as I go.

The Pansies wore only natural fibers. While the spandex movement was taking hold in other states, The Pansies fought this and maintained that they would only wear that while God had provided.

On Sundays, members would wear homemade sheep costumes while attending Church services to better get into the mindset of being part of a flock. Their respect for sheep was taken to such lengths that the animal was held up as the most perfect animal created by God. You know, what with Jesus being the Shepard, and all.

Being large supporters of the nascent Labor Union movement and the push for an 8 hour work day, PANS took things a step further and lobbied hard for the 1 and 1/2 hour work day. They found no real success with this initiative.

While some people of the time still believed in a Geocentric mode of thought, most accepted the reality of Heliocentrism. The PANS Church, however, were Lunacentric. With a firm belief that everything in the universe revolved around the moon, most of their religious functions were held at night.

Although the Pansies had some wild beliefs, some of what they believed found its way into modern life.

For instance, tetherball. Originally called "tithe ball" it was a punishment for those who were remiss in their tithing. The punishment consisted of a ten foot pole planted in the ground with a large leather ball attached to the top of the pole via a rope. While the offender stood a few feet away from the pole, members of the congregation would take turns hurling the ball at the offender's face with the goal being to get the ball to rebound hard enough to wrap the rope around the pole. The punishment ended either when this was achieved three times or the offender passed out.

Pansies were completely vegetarian. Their modest diet and belief in vegetarianism influenced Ellen G. White and when she helped found the Seventh-day Adventist Church, she incorporated the vegetarian diet into the Church teachings.

In late 1865, Pastor John Weems was mortally injured in a freak sledding accident involving a bison. Much ado was made about the three underage girls and the five quarts of booze found at the scene. This caused a gradual unraveling of the flock's cohesiveness.

By late 1866, the movement was all but dead. Some of their beliefs, as noted, have survived while the vast majority have passed into obsolescence.

Unfortunately for us all, their attempts at a 1 1/2 hour work day failed so spectacularly that no group since has had the bravery to renew their call. As such, you are probably sitting at work reading this right now.

Kinda wish The Pansies had pulled it off, don't you?

Friday, December 12, 2008

Santa Claus: The Truth

Christmas is coming. People are looking for trees, buying gifts, pretending they are looking forward to spending time with their families. The same things we do every December.

But during all this, we must remain vigilant. The fat man is coming.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. And he's a dick.

Sure, some of you claim he is just a sweet old fat ass who gives kids toys and joy. Bullshit. That's just his cover story.

This fat bastard breaks into homes every damn year. He eats our cookies. He drinks our milk. He touches our daughters inappropriately. He laughs at our sons and calls them "pussies". He steals my vodka (that's my story and I'm sticking to it).

Sure, he sometimes leaves presents for good children, but for "bad" children he leaves coal.

Fucking coal.

If he gave you nothing, that would be understandable, but coal is just a big "fuck you" to a kid.

And isn't he supposed to be immortal? If he truly is, he can't possibly be human. So we allow this inhuman....thing....to break into our houses once a year. What if he is a fucking alien? The guy could have a mutant brother in his chest like Kuato from Total Recall. You don't know.





Even further, he has the temerity to make wild demands that we have to go along with. Like tacking socks up to the fireplace mantle. Leaving out treats for him to eat. WTF?

Enough.

Enough, I say.

We need to tell this fat foreign, possibly alien, bastard to get his ass back to the North Pole and stay there. We don't need him invading our homes, fucking up our shit, and then leaving a toy or two. In the 21st Century, we have Amazon.com to bring us shit. We don't need that fat criminal.

Anyone who makes demands and then breaks into your house to see if you have fulfilled those demands is...dare I say it...a terrorist.

You are either with us, or you are with the fat man. Make your choice.



Thursday, December 11, 2008

5 Haikus About Songs

We are all familiar with the literary form Haiku. Seventeen syllables divided into three lines: 5,7,5. The following are 5 thoughts about popular songs...in the form of Haiku.


Oh, Piano Man
That song sucks my ass a lot
Please stop singing it.



You Were Meant For Me
Annoying, whiny chick song
Just get your teeth fixed.



All I wanna hear
Is this song being over
Fuck you, Paper Planes



You're Born to be Wild
Yet you guys are big sell-outs
Not so wild...to me.



You asked us all
"What if God was one of us?"
That's just fucking dumb

Even More Big Damn Poetry


My Mistress

Many a night I've spent with you
You are always there for me
When we watch the sun come up
I feel alive and free

Damn, I love you vodka
You're my one true love
Like Batman needs his Robin
We fit like hand to glove.






Ode to my Johnson

Each and every morning
I wake and look at you
If you're had no action
Your brothers are quite blue

You're always up and ready
for whatever the day may hold
Alert, virile, and strong
Your attitude is bold

I'm so proud of you
I'd show you to the world
Tho, when last I showed you off
The witness bent and hurled

Twas probably just envy
of this I am quite sure
Or could it be that I don't shave
and you're blanketed with fur?






Wha....?

"What the fuck was that?"
I mumbled while at food mart
I felt a mild eruption
turned out, twas just a fart.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Just Keeping It Real

We here at Big Damn Funny like to, on occasion, give some credit where credit is due. So, we would like to take this time to recognize some people who really kept it real.

Hammurabi: That dude kept it real. He knew it wasn't really fair to hold people accountable for laws that they we unaware of. So, he wrote them. In stone. Stone is Real. You steal something--they cut off your hands. It was written. In stone. Couldn't read? That was your problem.

Charlie Manson: He keeps it real. Real fucking crazy, but real.

Albert Einstein: You've seen the pictures. The hair. He kept it real-- no pansy-ass "product" for the man who gave us his "Theory of Relativity"

Howard Hughes: Sure, towards the end he wasn't all there, but he kept it real. He loved icecream; didn't shave, trim his nails, or bathe. Mother Fucker shit is jars. That is fucking real.

Lemmy: Motorhead. Enough said.

Lady Godiva: Not given nearly enough credit for being real. When Lord Godiva wouldn't lift his oppression from his people, she lifted the oppression of... her clothes. Riding butt-ass necked on a horse, with all that uncomfortable friction on her naughty parts (talk about chafing),for a cause--That is REAL.

This Guy: Is he fooling anyone with that combover? Hell no. Does he think he is? I seriously doubt it. Yet he continues. That, my friends, is keeping it real.

Over the years, these folks and other people like them have inspired others to keep it real.

We give you a Big Damn Thumbs Up!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

How To Make Friends

If you are sitting on your ass reading this website, there is a good change you are a lonely bastard. But that's OK. Being a lonely bastard is a situation that can easily be remedied...with friends.

"But, what are these 'friends' you speak of?" you might be asking.

"Friends are people who voluntarily hang out with you." we might reply.

We also might reply with a curt "eat dick" which is honestly far more likely, but ultimately not as helpful. And today we are trying to be helpful.

First, you will need to reconnoiter the area in while you aspire to amass friends. This can be as simply as staying in your car and creepily staring through the front window of a bar until someone makes eye contact with you. For more complexity, we recommend a ninja suit, some smoke bombs, night vision specs, and a voice modulator. But at this stage, you might not be quite ready for that.

Once you have surveyed your area, sally forth in the direction of your intended future friend.

Now, you have some options.

The Immediate Friend Approach

One option is to stand nearby. but unobtrusive. Wait until you hear someone refer to your intended by his given name. For this example, we will use the name "Horatio". At this stage, stride towards Horatio with confidence and poise, thrust out your hand and say:

"Horatio! Long time, no see. How have you been?"

Most people are too embarrassed to admit when they don't remember someone, so he will just go with it and feign knowing you. Now you are friends. In fact, according to you...you have been friends for years. You should probably hit Horatio up for a loan or something, you know, considering how long you guys have known each other.

The Gorillas in the Mist Approach

This option is more macho. To win friends, sometimes a man must prove he is the alpha in the room. You could always pick a fight with the biggest meanest looking guy in the room, but there is always the change that you will have your ass pounded into asphalt and that isn't going to win any friends. To avoid just this sort of situation, you should follow the wise teachings in our How To Win A Fight article.

Another route is to show masculine superiority. If, like most of us at BDF, you have an amazingly awesome and large penis...go ahead and whip that bad boy out. No man will be able to look at your manly and almost supernaturally rugged meatpole without immediately feeling the need to befriend you.

It's just nature, man.

You could also overtly challenge the other guy's masculinity. Look at what he is drinking and say:

"Wow. I thought only ugly women, Hungarians, and flaming homosexuals drank that stuff. But...you know...if that's your thing...."

Then take a manly pull off your own beverage.

Note: this method doesn't work if you are drinking something like "Miller Chill" or "Smirnoff Ice".

The Steve McQueen Method

You gotta be really cool to pull this one off. I mean, McQueen cool.

Which is impossible. Nobody was ever as cool as McQueen and nobody else ever will be. But try it on anyway.

Basically, just outcool the guy.

Sidle up to where he is hanging out, and then glance over him in the most dismissive way you can. Then, just keep on being cool.

People are drawn to other people that are cooler than them. It's a scientific fact.

If you aren't cool, you are probably screwed. But it would explain why you need to read an article on a comedy site about how to make friends.

Sad bastard.

Yeah. I'm judging you. What of it? Wanna see my penis?

Wait. That came out wrong.

Nevermind.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Canada: A Review

I was going to travel to Canada and do an in depth review of the country. But I don't have a passport. And I don't really want to drive that far. So I thought I would just write what I know.

Which, when it comes to Canada, admittedly isn't very much. But let's roll, anyway.

Canada. A country filled with Canadians. Where is it? Who knows. Many legends have sprung up based on the mysterious country of Canada. Even the name is incorrect. Much like the Norwegians in Norwegia, Canadians actually refer to their country as "Canadia". True story.

The average Canadian speaks three languages: French, English, and Quimbly. Modern linguists aren't yet able to pin down the history of this curious language. Many non-native Quimbly speakers who have heard the language claim it just sounds like pig latin. But it isn't like those guys are trained linguists so what the fuck do they know?

While it must be said that Quimbly does sound similar to pig latin there are some key differences that experts have discovered. For one, Quimbly doesn't have the letter "x". Also, the name "Quimbly" is completely different that the term "pig latin".

At birth, all Canadians are issued a tuque that they must wear for the rest of their lives. Luckily, the crafty fabric scientists in Canadia have discovered various materials that will comfortably stretch with a human's growing skull and yet still look fashionable.

In upper Canadia, people subsist primarily on a diet of cabbage, duck, and aardvark. Lower Canadians are 98% vegetarian, although on Christmas they eat a ceremonial meal of turducken.

Gin and rum are outlawed in all 15 states of Canadia. Beer is the primary beverage for all ages as there is no specific legal drinking age in Canadia.

There has historically been much hostility between Canadia and Newfoundland. In 1982, after the third Canadian War between Canadia and the vicious nomadic rebels of Newfoundland, the two countries made peace and now simply make jokes at each other's expense.

The wildlife in Canadia are all amazingly and unfailingly polite. The only exception to this is the wombat which we all know, contrary to its name, is not a bat. The Wombat is actually a very large predatory insect. It feeds on the souls of lost children and dances to the beat of the rhythm of the night. Until the morning light.

All in all, I would say that Canadia is a fascinating place that everyone should try to visit at least one in his or her life. True story. Or as the Candians say, ue-tray ory-stray!

Canada - Rating: C-
Canadia - Rating: A+

Sunday, December 7, 2008

15 Even More Egregiously Bad Opening Sentences, Again

Another addendum to our earlier 15 Egregiously Bad Opening Sentences.

1. This was probably a bad idea, but I promised that tall three legged hooker I would avenge her lemur's death...and I will, dammit.

2. After we made love for the fourth time, and I was starting to sober up, it suddenly hit me...that "woman" was actually a tuna sandwich.

3. When the going gets tough, the tough play bongos.

4. As I watched her walk across the room, I immediately thought of seventeen things I wanted to do to her and only sixteen of them were sexual.

5. It was shaping up to be just another shitty ass day in fucktown.

6. I leaned in slowly and whispered, "I want to take my skin boat to fuck cove".

7. It was the third time I caught the rodeo clown staring at me when I realized that shit was about to go down.

8. Sometimes a man just has to eat clam chowder.

9. The sun tore through the thin curtains in the hotel and seared the back of my eyeballs as I reached down and fondled my junk.

10. "Get out of that, ya bastard!" I yelled at the optometrist as I threw the tarp over his limp form.

11. The mystical alien worm looked up and me and told me to fuck myself and I knocked it over with the tip of my boot.

12. As I left the market, I reached in the bag and realized that while I knew I asked for thirty doubloons, the salesman apparently mistook my request for desiring thirty pantaloons and I suddenly asked myself "What the fuck was I going to do with all these trousers?"

13. The moonlight cascaded down upon the intertwined corpses of the Siamese twin shepherds from Glasgow.

14. I had no idea what time it was because it suddenly hit me that I left my wristwatch in the anus of the fat poker dealer downtown.

15. You ever have one of those mornings when you realize you are all out of toilet paper?

Friday, December 5, 2008

Big Damn Holiday!

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools" - Ernest Hemingway


Due to the work of a bunch of stuffy assholes, the Eighteenth Amendment establishing prohibition of alcohol in the United States passed on January 29, 1919.

For the next 14 years, life sucked.

A lot.

But then...Congress decided to stop being fucking dicks. The 21st Amendment was fully ratified on December 5, 1933

Stephen Wright once observed: "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?"


In memory of that glorious day of freedom and debauchery, we here at BDF would like to call for a Big Damn Holiday. Every December 5th, we should all get drunk.

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" - Benjamin Franklin


"What makes that different than every other day?" you might ask. Well, because the repeal of prohibition gives us a valid reason to get drunk.

Claiming "It's a celebration!" always gives you a socially acceptable reason/excuse to get drunk.

Less socially acceptable reasons/excuses include:

"I'm keeping the voices at bay."

"I ran out of water"

"I thought this was a wake"

and the ever popular, "Fuck you, that's why"

"I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly" - Winston Churchill, in reply to a woman who accused him of being drunk


We haven't quite settled on a name for the holiday as Big Damn Repeal of Prohibition Day seems a little long winded and unwieldy. Maybe instead of "day" it should be an "event".

Repeal of Prohibition Event can easily be abrreviated to R.O.P.E.. Hell, yeah. Big Damn ROPE Day!

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day" - Frank Sinatra


So this afternoon, evening, or night (or all three) lift a glass to your loved ones and have a drunk. Or five.

It's your constitutional right. Use 'em or lose 'em baby.

Be a patriot. Get drunk.

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" - Bruce Aidells

The Sad Balled of Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey

Most of us are familiar with the plight of Pete Best. He was the original drummer for The Beatles and then was deposed in favor of Ringo Starr....only to go on to making a living as a civil servant for the next 20 years. But then he founded The Pete Best Band. But then again, who cares?

There are many such heartbreaking tales in the annals of rock lore. Possibly the most heart rendering is the of Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey.

Born in 1941 at St. Mary's Hospital, Paddington in London, into dire poverty. Nobody could have ever predicted the future life of Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey. Except us. Because we are making it up.

His parents were poor mud farmers. Barely making enough sod to sell at the local market to finance the needs of the family. Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey's father, Haggis St. John Peter-Wimsey, took a night job sweeping up the drippings and cuttings at a sausage factory. From time to time, he would gather up some of the most choice left overs to take home to his family. Such was the poverty in which they lived.

On his tenth birthday, Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey asked for a guitar. His family desperately wanted to fulfill his wish, but there was no money to be found. His father, Haggis, loved his son so much that he murdered five hookers and took their money...thus financing the future musical career of Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey. Ironically, later in life, in a drug fueled haze, Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey would bludgeon six quantity surveyors to death with a frozen swordfish. One of the deceased quantity surveyors was the son of one of the original five hookers Haggis murdered. History is sometimes interesting like that.

With guitar in hand, Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey dropped out of school and played for hours. Learning. Strengthening his hands and fingers. Leaning the basic pentatonic scales. And so on.

Eventually, Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey found a flyer in a local grocer's shop inquiring about local guitarists. Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey made the call.

With time, the band would be known as The Animals, but at the time their name was The Lemurs. Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey helped them work on their sound but was unfortunately booted from the band in early 1966 right before they were able to record the first of their many hits.

After six months of various sessions with upcoming British bands, Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey moved to America and joined up with three other musical veterans to form Crosby Stills Nash and St. John Peter-Wimsey. While the other three were very political and desired to write songs about what was going on in the world at the time, Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey preferred to write songs about his penis and the weather. The marriage of the four was doomed almost from the beginning.

Almost immediately after leaving CSN&St.JP-W, Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey met Ed King and joined his band Strawberry Alarm Clock. While initially the band worked well together, when songwriter John Carter wrote lyrics for an existing musical piece by the band, they needed someone to perform the vocals. Declaring the song "fucking dumb", Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey left the band. In his place, the band got a friend, 16-year-old named Greg Munford, to sing the lyrics. "Incense and Peppermints" shot to number one a mere three weeks after Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey exited the band.

Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey spent a few years merely partying with other musicians and celebrities like Keith Moon and Ginger Baker. Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey garnered quite the reputation for his hard partying and his ego. Contrary to popular belief, the Carly Simon song "You're So Vain" isn't about Warren Beatty, it is about Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey. After a few more years of aimless partying, St. John Peter-Wimsey finally buckled down and began looking for a new gig. Fortunately, a singer-songwriter team were looking for a third to join them.

Seals & Crofts & St. John Peter-Wimsey began working on an amazing rock/folk/polka epic based on L. Frank Baum's "Wizard of Oz" stories. Unfortunately, Dash Crofts and Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey disagreed about the importance of Jack Pumpkinhead and the musical relationship was torn asunder. Once more, history shows that Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey just missed fame as the remaining two, freed from the constant arguments with Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey, wrote "Summer Breeze" as a cathartic release. It peaked at number six on the charts.

Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey's life took a few more turns. Three months with The Eagles before petulantly leaving the band to form a rival group known as The Condors. Two days with The Fifth Dimension before the other members got tired of St. John Peter-Wimsey's constant suggestions of changing the name to Euclidean Orgasm. Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey even tried out for both Guns and Roses and Poison in the mid-eighties.

After the embarrassment of losing the Poison gig, Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey entered a downward spiral of the twins additions of heroin and llama pornography. Breaking his habit of heroin took many months of rehab. The llama porn habit, however, still challenges him to this day. As Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey says "I'm taking it one day at a time".

Finally, walking away from music and his additions, Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey decided to open a haberdashery on the sunset strip of Los Angeles. He now lovingly crafts the chapeaus for rock stars, actors, and the occasional millionaire Peruvian dwarf. But from time to time...when nobody is around, Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey is known to pull out his guitar and play a tune to two.

And oddly enough....he sucks. Completely tone deaf, that guy. Seriously. It's bad.

Such is the sad balled of Graham St. John Peter-Wimsey.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Fug-B-Gone

Scientists at the Big Damn Lab are proud to announce that they have discovered a formula that actually makes everyone more attractive.

Soon to be on the market under the brand name "Fug-B-Gone", this frothy beverage will make all your fantasies come true!

While some argue that FBG is little more than 180 proof Vodka and food coloring, those people are just jealous assholes. We feel that our product will make the world a better place.

Studies have shown that even at the infant stage, humans are more receptive to people who are "attractive". We seek to bring that elusive state to everyone. Everyone who buys our product, that is.

And how, you may ask, can this be done? We'll tell you!

Say you have a meeting with the U.N. to attempt to bring peace and harmony to the world. Simply make sure some to pack some Fug-B-Gone in the ole lunch pail. Once all the International representatives have pounded a few shots of FGB, everyone will look and feel a whole lot sexier. The more "attractive" everyone is, the more they will want to get along. And possibly have sex with each other. Soon, you personally will have brought world peace. And an orgy. Well done, you!

On a more day-to-day basis, Fug-B-Gone will help people "just get along". Do you have a blind date coming up that you are nervous about? Chug some FBG with your date and you'll go from saying "How much do I have to pay to cross your bridge?" to saying "Where have you been all my life?"

Fug-B-Gone: making the world a better place, one face at a time.

Warning: Fug-B-Gone is not approved by any "doctors" or government bureaus. FBG has been known to cause intensive and violent vomiting, headaches, slowed reflexes, and erectile dysfunction.

Try it soon - Fug-B-Gone!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Big Damn Manifesto

The recent elections have got all of us here at BDF thinking more and more about politics. After forming a political party, The Big Damn Party, we decided it was probably time to craft a manifesto to unleash on the world which would outline what we want for America.

We have all seen the country go back and forth between the two major parties, Republicans and Democrats. We at The Big Damn Party are tired of watching voters switch between the two parties only to have no real change ensue.

At The Big Damn Party, we promise change. Good change? Maybe. Maybe not.

When we take charge, there will be no pet cats. All felines will be relocated to Wyoming. As will all spinsters. People currently living in Wyoming with have the option of either staying or being relocated to Nebraska. Those in Nebraska that are worried about the influx of people from Wyoming should know that we don't care.

We will all wear uniforms. Clothing will be modeled after The Prisoner television show with the exception of us all wearing numbers. We will instead all wear those generic "Hello My Name Is..." stickers.





From now on, there will be no political press conferences. All politicians will stand on a 2x2 wooden crate and blow the conch shell and the masses will gather. The people will then be seated in a large ring around the politician and proclaim "Tell the tell. Tell the tell of us all!". Kinda like Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.

Late night infomercials will be removed and the producers will be jailed.

We will eliminate the electoral college and institute popular vote. One man, one vote. To be consistent, people suffering with Dissociative Identity Disorder will have as many votes as is necessary.

Each year we will have a new Doogie Howser Christmas Special. Neil Patrick Harris doesn't get a choice.

The color orange is banned, as are onions. These both start with the letter "O" and hence are evil. Consequently, Oprah will be deported. Onomatopoeia will also be outlawed.

We hope we can count on your votes in the future. For a better world, The Big Damn Party!

5 Haikus About Morning

We are all familiar with the literary form Haiku. Seventeen syllables divided into three lines: 5,7,5. The following are 5 thoughts you might have in the morning...in the form of Haiku.


My blanket is nice
Monday mornings really suck
I think I'll call off



Last night kicked ass
I learned a new lesson, though
Some hookers are dudes



Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep
Snooze Beep Fuck Snooze Beep Fuck Snooze
Shit! I'm late for work



You were amazing
That thing with your tongue was neat
What's your name again?



The birds are chirping
Such beautiful morning songs
Fuck I'm hungover.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

15 Holiday Gift Ideas For 2008

When economic times are tough, perhaps the hardest time is around the holidays. While you want to truly give the people you care about the most kick ass gift you can...face it. You're a broke ass person. So as a public service announcement, we here at BDF have put together some ideas that say "I give a shit about you...I'm just fucking broke!".

1. Toilet paper Yup. Good ole T.P. It says "I love you" but also "I want your asshole clean".

2. Socks Not that decorator argyle shit. Just old fashioned tube socks. Hobo toe is a cross-cultural dilemma that you can help solve.

3. Condoms

4. Anything from The Big Damn Store It shows class and sophistication. And may make the Big Damn Staff's holiday a little fucking merrier.

5. Vodka When is vodka not a good idea?

6. Batteries You know someone is going to give your loved ones a more expensive gift that you, and that dumbass is going to forget to give the batteries that make the thing work. You are now a hero. You're welcome.

7. Mechanical pencils Do you know anyone who still has a pencil sharpener? Nuff said.

8. Gas stations compilation CD Hidden gold, my friend. Hidden gold.

9. Iodine Good to have when you and yours party a little too hard.

10. Aspirin See above.

11. Crisco Hours of fun in a can.

12. A box of matches Perfect for the artist or arsonist in your crew.

13. Plastic cups and golf ball sized wiffle balls Also known as Beer Pong: The Home Edition.

14. Duct tape The gift that really keeps on giving.

15. SPAM Everyone loves SPAM. They just don't know it yet. It's meat on pause, baby!

Happy shopping from BDF!

Global Warming: The Truth

In 1977, then-congressman Al Gore and a cadre of animal rights activists and scientists attempted to repopulate the Earth with the Great Naugabeast. Their attempts at cloning were cutting edge at the time.

In 1979, they succeeded.

What no one could have forseen was the fact that the Naugabeast has a very particular diet. And that diet has very particular side effects.

Unfortunately for Gore, and the world at large, the gaseous emanations (a.k.a. farts) the Nauagabeasts released had a devastating impact on the ozone layer. Over time, it became clear that the beasts were causing the world's temperature to rise. Glaciers began melting. Sea levels began to rise. Hollywood films got shittier and shittier.

That last part wasn't the Naugabeasts' fault, but it is worth noting. Seriously. Have you seen Four Christmases?

While herds of the Great Nauagabeast roamed the super-secret fields at Area 51, Gore and his team made another serious error in judgment....they decided to bring back the Pleatheraptor.

As it turns out, the Pleatheraptor isn't nearly as docile as was once believed. When the baby Pleatheraptors first began to attack, it was ascribed to the fact that someone was listening to a Robert Goulet CD. Once the music was stopped, it was realized that these things were just fucking mean.

These evens were fictionalized in the Michael Crichton novel Jurassic Park which was later adapted into an even further fictionalized film by Steven Spielberg.

In 1984, all animal cloning was banned by the U.S. government. Select members of Congress, the armed forces, and the President met in secret and it was decided that the Nauagabeasts would stay at Area 51, while the Pleatheraptors would be housed in Hanger 18 at the Wright-Patt Air Force Base. All documentation of the experiments were destroyed.

In a scramble to hide what they had done, Gore and his team started a disinformation campaign to blame "Global Warming" on human-generated greenhouse gases. He even went as far as making a film, An Inconvenient Truth, to further the lie.

Ironically, global warming is man-made.

One man.

Al Gore.

Thank a lot, Al.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Big Damn FAQ

What the hell is this nonsense?

We aren't sure.

How often is the site be updated?

Our website will be updated five times a week with only the funniest and most cutting edge humor (and some left over shit that's not as funny, but frankly, we gotta fill space).

OK. See. We are lying already (except about the unfunny filler stuff). In truth, the website will be updated as often as possible. But you can't force comedy.

Well, you can. But then you end up with Two And A Half Men.

Didn't this site exist years ago?

Indeed. Thrice.

It has been resurrected. Like a zombie. A comedy zombie. Try saying that quickly three times.

You can learn more about our Big Damn History here.

Are you going to be updating with all new funny?

Yes. Sort of.

We will write new stuff when we have the time and the spirit moves us. As we all have grown older, we can't always get together and knock things out like we used to but we will do what we can.

When we are feeling lazy, we will probably post something from the vast archives. Sure...it's kinda half-assed, but it's probably still new to you. Stop whining.

Where can I go to stay up to date about Big Damn Funny?

You can just come back every day. Or I guess you could subscribe to our feed.

What the hell is the deal with that weird head up at the top of the screen?

That lovely fella is our mascott, Mal-Formed Johnny. Mal-Formed Johnny (or MFJ) is a product of free art software. That's the only excuse we have. We are poor. Period.

If we had some kind of corporate sponsorship (hint hint) we could spring for a nice mascot like these guys. Short of corporate sponsorship (which would be nice. hint hint) we would be forced to charge you, the reader, money so we could afford nice art software.

Instead, we chose to wear our poverty as a badge of honor. See, we pass the savings along to you.

Do you accept sponsored ads?

If you are interested in advertising with us, you can always email us and we can probably figure something out.

Do you accept submissions?

You could always just email us something and find out.

We will warn you: we have been ripped off a lot so don't bother sending us some crap you poached from someone else. Any submission we received we are going to scour the internet in an attempt to be sure it isn't stolen. If it is stolen, not only are we not gonna publish it here...we will contact the person you did steal it from.

Can I link to your site?

We certainly won't stop you.

Do you have any cool swag for me to buy and show my Big Damn Pride?

Hell yes we do! Check out the Big Damn Store.

Is this really the only website that is Big Damn Funny?
Guaranteed. No shit.

Big Damn Links


Other Sites We Like
Busted Tees
Captain Canard
College Humor
Cracked
Cyanide & Happiness
Daily Ha Ha
DeezTeez
Funny Stuff
Funny Times
Global Distortion
Harvard Lampoon
HumorLinks
HumorSource
Humor Times
LiketoLaugh.com
Lord Likely
SnorgTees
Things Could Be Worse
Top 100 Humor Sites

humor blog


Big Damn Funny at Blogged



About BDF

Big Damn Funny is the only online humor magazine that is big damn funny. Guaranteed. No Shit.

We've been attempting to make the planet laugh since 1998.

History of BDF

1998 - 2000


Well, friends, it started out as a dream. A dream conjured up by a guy (J.D.) who was hoping to do the impossible: spin a silly little website into comedy gold and a good excuse to avoid getting a real job.

Being lazy, (hence the dream), this dreamer recruited a friend to help. Unfortunately, they were both pretty lazy. As such, the dream died back 2000.

About a year after the site stopped being updated (refer to the aforementioned laziness).

Of course, the site was only updated about seventeen times...in the first three months the site was up. You can see some of the sadness here. But seriously...the early articles are pretty fucking sad. Probably best not to look at them at all.

Then BDF sat dormant until 2000 when we finally put up a notice about the status of the website. It looked like this. And stayed that way for a really long time.

Yeah...we were too lazy to even take it down.

2000 - 2007


Since then, one of the guys (Ryan Smith) went on to help create a great band called Front Row For The Meltdown. The site took a mild hiatus and then...2005 happened. That was the year that immediately followed 2004. You might remember it.

In 2005, J.D. was writing this shit again.

With some new writers to help (Victoria, Jason H. and Bob R.), that incarnation of the site lasted until 2007. January 2007.

But a year and a half was a hell of an improvement on the first iteration.

2008 - 2008


Then we gave it another go. Third time's a charm right? Right? Anyone?

Fuck.

Well, BDF 3.0 (as we liked to call it) had J.D. (as always) and the triumphant return of Ryan from the first version as well as Victoria from the second version.

Nobody really had their hearts in it (and it turned out that at least half of them were still pretty lazy)...and it petered off pretty quickly.

A month. It lasted a whole month. Sad, eh?

2009 -


Why are we back after a long hiatus?

Because people keep ripping us off.

Remember our Life Lists? Thanks to the internet archive, you can see the archived version from 2006.

We liked that one. So did someone else. A guy named "Neugin". You can see how he ripped us off here.

Remember the old beer article?

Neugin ripped that one off, too.

Again, thanks to the internet archive, you can see the our original archived version here.

Remember 15 Forgotten Country Songs? Neugin sure did. On that same page he also ripped off some old Little Known Facts as well as some 15 Signs You Aren't Famous.

He even tried submitting our articles to other websites. And tried to get paid for our work.

Cute, eh?

But that guy isn't the only one.

Speaking of those Little Known Facts, another liar chose to use those and pass them off as his own. A guy named "DOOMER" decided to claim "here are a couple of my own".

Which is odd for DOOMER to do...considering it wasn't the first time he poached an article, but previously he didn't claim credit.

Here you can see someone named "MOS95B" stealing our My Experiment With Invisibility article....and passing it off as his own. Actually, he stole a fair amount of articles and posted them as his own.

Unfortunately, we aren't the only ones. Even big brand names like Cracked have to deal with content theft. Of course, they had an interesting way of dealing with it.

We got tired of shit like this, so we brought the site back.

So we will probably get back into the swing of writing new stuff. But for now, here is the evidence that often the shit that makes you laugh wasn't written by the guy who claims he wrote it.

This incarnation has some from the second incarnation and only one from the first (as always, J.D.). We may add some new guys, we may not. We hope so. We are pretty lazy (have we mentioned that yet?) and having help would greatly assist with our whole "I-don't-want-to-do-shit" philosophy.

Currently, we do have one new guy. Of course, he lives inside J.D.'s head.

We call him "Herve". He digs it.

If you find anymore comedy poachers, send 'em our way.

And remember, we are just a group of poor people trying to bring you the funny. Feel free to tip us if we have achieved this minor goal and brought you some semblance of comedy.


Disclaimer

DISCLAIMER: This website is provided "as is" without any representations or warranties, express or implied. BIG DAMN FUNNY makes no representations or warranties in relation to this website or the information and materials provided on this website.

All characters, names and places used in/on/by BIG DAMN FUNNY are fictitious and/or are used for the purposes of comedy. Any similarity to real people, without comedic purpose, is a coincidence. All trade names, product names and trademarks of third parties, including any trademarked characters, used by BIG DAMN FUNNY are expressly used without the authorization of those third parties, and are used only for the purpose of comedy. No sponsorship, endorsement or affiliation by or with those third parties exists nor should it be implied.

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