1. You got more attractive. It is now time to upgrade.
2. You are about to inherit great wealth and you don't want to share.
3. She doesn't find Monty Python funny.
4. She is maddeningly underwhelming in bed.
5. She doesn't let you sleep with other people.
6. When she does the laundry, all your clothes comes out shrunken to the size of doll clothing.
7. She doesn't swallow.
8. You want to fuck someone else.
9. When you were twelve, a gypsy told you that you would die at the hands of a lover...and you are starting to think this woman may be that lover.
10. The thrill is gone.
11. She laughs aloud at Dilbert.
12. She adamantly refuses to wear the Princess Leia slave bikini. (Cut the shit. You know that isn't just a fantasy for nerds.)
13. She once reminded you of a young Jean Simmons. Now she looks eerily like an older Gene Simmons.
14. She wants you to go vegetarian.
15. Somehow, between the beginning of the relationship and now...she got really fucking annoying.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
1. You got more attractive. It is now time to upgrade.
Monday, September 25, 2006
1. You break a sweat getting out of bed.
2. When you leave the house, people often yell "Hey Fatass!" in your direction.
3. When you put on a suit, people around you do the Chris Farley "Fat Guy In A Little Coat" routine.
4. You haven't seen your dick in months.
5. When you hit on a woman, she laughs and then turns to her friends to loudly proclaim "This fat guy just tried to hit on me!"
6. Your parents have begun greeting you with "Shit son, think you've had enough to eat?"
7. When you enter an all-you-can-eat establishment, the entire staff screams "Oh fuck!"
8. You've had to purchase a set of "fat clothes"...but you hang on to your old clothing in the futile hope that one day you will fit into them again.
9. You burn through three sticks of deodorant a month.
10. When cannibals see you they yell "Jackpot!"
11. You often enter restaurants, look at the menu, and simply state "I'll take it".
12. When you take some articles of clothing into the dressing room, you hear the store staff mumble "right, like that shit is gonna fit his ass".
13. When you meet up with your buddies, they exclaim "Holy shit! Some fat guy ate (your name here)".
14. Your spare tire has evolved into a full set of snow tires.
15. You claim to be "big boned" but the only bones of that magnitude date from the late Cretaceous period of the Mesozoic Era.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
People enjoy both giving and receiving greeting cards. Unfortunately, there are some occasions and sentiments that the larger companies simply don't cater to.
For that, you have BDF.
Below are a few greeting cards. The descriptions are next to a graphic illustrating the front of the card. Click the graphic to download a PDF which you can print out and send off to whomever you believe deserves such a card.
The Sick Card
I heard that you were feeling ill...
Sucks to be you!
The Bastard Card
...that you are such a bastard.
It's over between us.
The Bitch Card
...that you are such a bitch.
It's over between us.
The Thinking Of You Card #1
Thinking of you...
...and me doing a little of this.
What do you think?
The Thinking Of You Card #2
Thinking of you...
...and thinking about how much
I fucking hate you.
The Santa Card
There is no Santa.
Sucks to be you!
Note to recipients of these cards: Ha!
Monday, September 11, 2006
For your cultural edification, we offer these tasteless pieces of poesy.
Tits: My Love For Thee
I really must tell you,
I truly love tits.
They are possibly my favorite
Of all the naughty bits.
I can't remove my eyes
From any sweet boob.
They often make me feel
Like playing with my tube.
I cannot get enough
Of those lovely fun bags.
Even when they're gracing
The chests of old hags.
Ode To My Ass
Ass, you are so bittersweet
You cushion me when I sit.
And yet you sometimes burn
When I take a shit.
You bring that sweet release
When my inards chime
But you also smell like hell
A good deal of the time.
I wish, dear ass
that you would tell me
when the fart is wet.
And the reason people look at you
I truly do not get.
So let us just agree to get along
No enemas, I promise you
No thongs and no spanking
And also...no buttfucking.
Humping: A Reflection
I must admit,
I do adore
On the floor.
I also dig it
On a bed
Or sometimes just
But most of all
I like to ball
In every room
And in the hall.
Saturday, September 9, 2006
An addendum to the earlier lists of Little Known Facts.
It's a little known fact that walking in the rain will actually make you shorter over the years, each rain drop decreases your height by 0.00000000001 of an inch.
It's a little known fact that the first mud hut was made to house the local village's Dungeons and Dragons tournament.
It's a little known fact that 4 out of 5 dentists prefer Dentist Number 5. Draw your own conclusions, o naked reader.
It's a little known fact that the first Indian killed by the pilgrims was shot for cheating at monopoly. his last words were "yeah your mom whores herself on Baltic avenue."
It's a little known fact that albino polar bears are often called crackers by polar bears of the normal variety.
It's a little known fact that clubbing with hot babes is a lot like clubbing seals, and just as hard to get some action.
It's a little known fact that wrist watches were made because it was awkward to keep checking ones cock ring watch.
It's a little known fact that the roughest street gang in LA goes by the name of "The Harding Boys", they got their name from president Warren G. Harding.
It's a little known fact that potatoes used to be called earth nuts, but the men of the age had a problem admitting that they liked buttering their nuts or a little salt on their nuts before they eat them.
It's a little known fact that New York got the nickname "the big apple" because in a mayoral debate in 1802, when one candidate dared another to stick a shiny red apple up his anus to prove his love for New York. Upon insertion of the apple, the man yelled out "That's one big apple!" That man did not win the election...he died 2 days later from massive anal bleeding.
It's a little known fact that rejected crayon colors include Albino White, Chinaman Yellow, Navajo Red, Rotted Corpse Purple, Cancer Lung Black, and Major Labia Pink.
It's a little known fact that surprisingly very little heavy petting goes on at petting zoos.
It's a little known fact that summer only comes out because winter is annoying and wont stop bitching about how trees like to play dead when he is around.
It's a little known fact that Flora and Fauna were identical twins...but Fauna blossomed first and eventually harvested large C breasts. Flora, however, only had Bs. In retaliation, Flora created Hurricane Katrina. As she did so, those around her heard "that will show that big tittied bitch!". The aforementioned big tittied bitch was, in fact, suitably chastised.
It's a little known fact that that every time George Clooney nails a hot chick....you are still you. And you remain less attractive than George Clooney.
It's a little known fact that Mrs. Jenkins was fired during the annual spelling bee after being asked to use happiness in a sentence, to which she replied, "My husband once invented a hat penis for wintry nights."
It's a little known fact that the Village People actually all came from the same village. And that village was Gaysville.
It's a little known fact that that every time an actor from Gilligan's Island dies, somewhere in the world an old Mortal Kombat game yells out, "Fatality."
It's a little known fact that every morning Ashley calls up Mary Kate and whispers into the phone, "You are so fucking fat."
It's a little known fact that bushes are the retarded cousins to trees, and the trees don't like to talk about them when other fauna start asking questions about those bushes that follows them around town.
Thursday, September 7, 2006
While most of us grew up with the beautiful works of Dr. Seuss such as The Cat In The Hat, The Lorax, and One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish.
What most people don't realize is that there are quite a few books that were...well...poorly thought out. These mysterious books have generally slipped out of print, but occasionally they can be found in older libraries and used bookstores.
The following are a few examples of the lesser known work of Dr. Seuss.
Horton Has A Ho!
With the fact that not all children have the same economic advantages, it is a sad but true fact that some children would eventually enter into the world of pimping. To those ends, this slim volume was penned to address the lessons of pimping.
Horton Has A Ho! takes our protagonist Horton into the seamy underbelly of urban life. Finding himself a ho, he gets down to business and starts pimping.
At times scary, this lovely children's story will gently educate your child about the relative merits of pimping...as well as its dangers.
How can one not love a book with lines like the following:
Pimping ain't easy
But it brings in the riches
So gather some whores
And start pimping those bitches!
Pure magic! Just reading those lines, I almost feel like I, myself, am pimping.
The Cat In The Hat Got Fat
This fine book was an educational tale about the growing problem of obesity.
We follow the Cat as he gorges on fatty fast foods in the aftermath of a depressing breakup with his girlfriend of six years.
This has the twofold advantage of teaching better eating habits, as well as the right and wrong was to deal with adversity such as heartbreak.
The Cat grows quite fat and ultimately resolves to enter an eating disorder facility due to the love and compassion shown to him by his friends.
Foreseeing the epidemic of childhood obesity, Dr. Seuss left us cautionary rhymes like the following:
The Cat in the Hat got fat
his girth has grown much greater
you can tell wherever he sat
for he left a gaping crater
you, too, could grow quite plump
if you just sit around eating food
you will get too fat to jump
and then you will be fucking screwed!
If you ever loved the original book, you will delight in this sequel.
If you hated the original, you can get a sick pleasure from watching the Cat get fat as hell as his life come crashing down around him.
Either way, you win.
I've Got Sneetches In My Breetches And I Hope I Don't Have Herpies!
This book, especially coupled with the aforementioned Horton Has A Ho, can be a devastating tool for educating our youth about the scourge of sexually transmitted diseases.
When a young lad meets a seductive woman, she takes him out for drinks which ultimately culminates in the lad going home with her.
As such, one thing leads to another and sexual intercourse takes place.
The following rhymes sum up the boy's plight:
I met a girl in town
I liked the way she thinks
Her hair was very brown
She asked me out for drinks.
I didn't listen to the speeches
I drank too many slurpies
Now I've got the Sneetches
And I hope I don't have herpies!
It would be difficult to find a better STD primer for ages 5-12.
The Better Butter Buttsex Book
It is believed that this was penned as a dirty joke to be shared with friends and family.
Somehow it made it onto his publisher's desk and saw print based on Dr. Seuss' reputation of crafting fine children's literature.
Frankly, you probably shouldn't let your child anywhere near this book.
It's would be hard enough to explain the buttsex part...but even having read it, I'm not sure why there is so much butter involved.
As an adult, however, it is fucking hilarious.
If I had access to these wonderful stories as a youth, I know I would have grown up quite differently. Should you ever chance to run into these books, think about purchasing them for a child you know.
Except for that buttsex one. Don't give that one to a kid. That's fucked up.
Note to Legal Counsel for the estate of Dr. Seuss:
We admit that everything in the above article is complete and utter horseshit. We made it all up. Even the graphics are pretty shitty. I doubt anyone would ever believe something so egregiously stupid.
So.....please don't sue us. Pretty please.