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Thursday, December 7, 2006

A Break-Up Letter

Many people find it difficult to find the correct means to end a relationship. To help those poor souls in their endeavor to free themselves of the bonds of dating, BDF has put together this do-it-yourself break-up letter.

Simply fill in the blanks, print it off, and send it away to your intended recipient.

Of you can download a PDF version if you are seriously intent on doing something this stupid.

Note: If he/she gets incredibly pissed, BDF is not responsible. Don't blame us for the shitstorm you bring down by using a break-up letter you found on the internet.

 

Dear ,

It is with a heavy heart that I type these lines. Recently, I have noticed that you have grown .

Sometimes you make me feel like my . But alas, you are simply a .

If it lessens the pain at all, you might be interested to know that I your .


Often. That's no lie.

Please try to remember the good times. Don't dwell on .

I will always cherish the way you would my ever so lovingly.

Ah...memories!

But that time is past. Now you must move on and your for the future.

Thanks.

Sincerely,



P.S. Please don't forget to

The Blog Of George Washington Carver

The historians at BDF have uncovered a celebrity blog.

While some showed disbelief about some of our Big Damn History articles, we believe this new blog will vindicate our crack research team.

The following are some excerpts from George Washington Carver's blog.


2/7/1932 11:32 a.m.

I have just patented a peanut-based cosmetic. This thing is going to take the world by storm!


2/9/1932 3:32 p.m.

OK...it turns out that peanut allergies are pretty common. It can be a pretty bad thing to put my cosmetic on the skin of someone who suffers from this allergy.

Obviously, I'm going to have to stop production on my peanut-based bandages, peanut-based clothing line (and the children's clothing: Lil' Nutty's), and my peanut-based bubble bath.

Dang! Back to the drawing board.


2/21/1932 2:12 a.m.

I am now slaving away on a peanut-based alternative to nitroglycerin. Not only will the explosions be twice as powerful (according to my calculations, at least) but the resulting devestation will have a very nice nutty aroma.

I am thinking about using this new NitroPeanut blend to create a better grenade. I think peanut shells will make for an extremely potent form of shrapnel.

Trust me, with all the work I've been doing with nuts I can tell you...those shells will cut the hell out of you if you aren't careful.


3/5/1932 4:15 p.m.

Last week I sent out some feelers to various industries about my new NitroPeanut product. I have received three "no thank you" letters, one "you're insane", and two more "what the hell is your deal with peanuts?".

Fuck those assholes. These peanuts are a goldmine!


3/9/1932 1:02 a.m.

Two words.

Peanut Oil.

I have thus far created:
Carvoline Antiseptic Hair Dressing from peanut oil and lanolin
Carvoline Rubbing Oil, a peanut oil for massages

I believe that my Rubbing Oil will be a viable cure for polio.

We'll see!


3/15/1932 12:02 a.m.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Joseph Rosefield figured out how to hydrogenate the peanut oil to make peanut butter creamy.

All this time slaving away at a better butter...wasted.

Fuck!


4/5/1932 4:05 a.m.

Between fucking Rosefield scooping me on that peanut butter thing and all the crap I keep taking from everyone, I'm getting a little fed up.

Did you know that every time I leave my house, the neighorhood kids called my "Mr. Peanut"?

Well...all those assholes can wait and see. My next creation will make them all eat their words.


4/5/1932 4:05 a.m.

My peanut-fueled robot army is almost ready to be unleashed. It took me six months to overcome the "shelling" problem I was having with their peanut-based armor...but in the end it was worth it.

Stay tuned!

Sunday, December 3, 2006

Big Damn History: POTUS

As an addendum to an earlier article, we illustrate more instances of history being a curious thing.

The President Of The United States, or POTUS for those who are more comfortable with brevity, holds the highest position in the American government.

The election of a President can be time consuming and quite fractious. At times, this has led to sections of the government seceding and electing their own rival Presidents. These unofficial Presidents are now known as Anti-Presidents.

Thus far, there have been 138 Presidents and 47 Anti-Presidents. Many of those office holders (official and anti) have led interesting lives both within the Presidency and outside of it.

Thus far, there have been three Presidents and four Anti-Presidents who suffered from Lycanthropy. Some believed that Richard Nixon was also a werewolf, but he was, in fact, a vampire. He was just really hairy.

George Washington was trained in an especially effective school of kung fu. At the Battle of Monongahela, he killed 138 men with his bare hands. Unfortunately, there was a 139th man who subsequently escaped the wrath of Washington. His honor wounded, Washington ripped out all of his own teeth and ever after wore wooden dentures to remind him of his failure.

The Anti-President Jackson Pollock (no relation to the later Abstract-Impressionist painter of the same name) sired 132 children while attempting to govern America from his yacht The Real America which was anchored off the coast of Massachusetts. This yacht housed 350 citizens, 45 government members, and 100 ship employees. After pseudo-governing for 15 years, Pollock was assassinated by a young steward named Sirhan Hinckley Oswald.

It is well known that when William Howard Taft left the Presidency, he went on to serve as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. What is less well known is that after he retired from the Supreme Court, he pursued his first love: rodeo clowning. His girth necessitated the construction of immensely large barrels for him to utilize while protecting rodeo riders from bulls. All in all, most clowns in this particular wing of the clowning industry are unanimous in their praise of his abilities. Legendary rodeo clown, Texas Pete Schwartz has stated: "That was one nimble fat ass".

Abraham Lincoln began his career as a private investigator. His clients were mostly people who feared that there was infidelity in their relationships. Lincoln's tireless work in this area later became the source for the popular television show Cheaters.

Fascinating!

In further installments of this series, we will examine how John Adams fought off the pirate Mad Peter Shanks during an evening at the theater, James Monroe and his Monroe Doctrine For Eating Babies, as well as Martin Van Buren's interesting work with hamsters and time travel utilizing a machine he crafted from tampons and aluminum foil.

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