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Saturday, November 25, 2006

The Titmouse

The Titmouse, as we mentioned in Amazingly True Facts: Animals, neither a tit, nor is it a mouse. It is actually a large phallic-looking creature which dwells in Lake Erie.

This elusive creature appears to have originated in Lake Ontario, but sometime in the early 1800's it seems to have swam up Niagra Falls and settles in Lake Erie.

The Seneca Indians of the area originally called it Onödowága'...which is a blant lie. Actually, Onödowága' is the name for the Seneca tribe meaning "People of the Great Hill". What the Onödowága' actually called The Titmouse was Onödowága'Pagadono which means "Demon Penis".

Much like the better know Loch Ness Monster, The Titmouse has many strange and interesting legends surrounding it.

One legend claims that The Titmouse and The Loch Ness Monster actually once met. Unfortunately, a great argument broke out between them which was finally settled over a heated game or Parchesi. This is clearly horseshit and we will never refer to it again.

Another legends claims that The Titmouse used to be a ferocious beast which claimed the lives of many men until Saint Columba arrived and tamed the beast into the frolicking lovable scampt he is know recognized to be. Unfortunately, Saint Columba was an Irish saint who never set foot in Ohio so this legend is probably a bunch of bullshit, too.

What isn't bullshit, however, is that Dr. Archibald Haberdashery viewed the beast and was fortunate enough to have a camera within reach.

Haberdashery was enjoying the flora and fauna of the area surrounding Lake Erie when he heard a great groan eminating from the lake. Looking up, he saw The Titmouse lolling around in the water.

The photo, now known as the "Doctor's Picture", has been scrutinized by photo labs all over the world and found to be outrageously fake, but people still love it nonetheless.

Much has been made of the creature's exceptionally phallic shape. Folk troubador Woody Henderson summed up such feeling in his song "The Balled Of The Titmouse".

The first time I saw you,
I shit a brick
Probably 'cause you look like
A giant dick.

Outside of Haberdashery's run-in with the beast, the most well known sighting was in 1832. Josiah Barlow claimed to have seen it whilst picnicking on the shores of the Lake. His story claims that it approached the edge of the water and gestured for Barlow to come closer. As he did so, the beast stiffened and doubled in size. Barlow claims to have ridden it numerous times across the Lake.

Then again, Barlow also claimed that he tamed a Sasquatch and defeated Satan in a game of Backgammon.

More realistic tales of the Titmouse have come forth from the late 1940's onward. To this day, visitors flock to Lake Erie in the hopes of seeing the elusive Titmouse.

If you are ever in Northern Ohio, feel free to visit the lake and try to catch a glimpse of The Titmouse.

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