Updated sporadically! Guaranteed!

Saturday, November 25, 2006

The Titmouse

The Titmouse, as we mentioned in Amazingly True Facts: Animals, neither a tit, nor is it a mouse. It is actually a large phallic-looking creature which dwells in Lake Erie.

This elusive creature appears to have originated in Lake Ontario, but sometime in the early 1800's it seems to have swam up Niagra Falls and settles in Lake Erie.

The Seneca Indians of the area originally called it Onödowága'...which is a blant lie. Actually, Onödowága' is the name for the Seneca tribe meaning "People of the Great Hill". What the Onödowága' actually called The Titmouse was Onödowága'Pagadono which means "Demon Penis".

Much like the better know Loch Ness Monster, The Titmouse has many strange and interesting legends surrounding it.

One legend claims that The Titmouse and The Loch Ness Monster actually once met. Unfortunately, a great argument broke out between them which was finally settled over a heated game or Parchesi. This is clearly horseshit and we will never refer to it again.

Another legends claims that The Titmouse used to be a ferocious beast which claimed the lives of many men until Saint Columba arrived and tamed the beast into the frolicking lovable scampt he is know recognized to be. Unfortunately, Saint Columba was an Irish saint who never set foot in Ohio so this legend is probably a bunch of bullshit, too.





What isn't bullshit, however, is that Dr. Archibald Haberdashery viewed the beast and was fortunate enough to have a camera within reach.

Haberdashery was enjoying the flora and fauna of the area surrounding Lake Erie when he heard a great groan eminating from the lake. Looking up, he saw The Titmouse lolling around in the water.

The photo, now known as the "Doctor's Picture", has been scrutinized by photo labs all over the world and found to be outrageously fake, but people still love it nonetheless.

Much has been made of the creature's exceptionally phallic shape. Folk troubador Woody Henderson summed up such feeling in his song "The Balled Of The Titmouse".

The first time I saw you,
I shit a brick
Probably 'cause you look like
A giant dick.

Outside of Haberdashery's run-in with the beast, the most well known sighting was in 1832. Josiah Barlow claimed to have seen it whilst picnicking on the shores of the Lake. His story claims that it approached the edge of the water and gestured for Barlow to come closer. As he did so, the beast stiffened and doubled in size. Barlow claims to have ridden it numerous times across the Lake.

Then again, Barlow also claimed that he tamed a Sasquatch and defeated Satan in a game of Backgammon.

More realistic tales of the Titmouse have come forth from the late 1940's onward. To this day, visitors flock to Lake Erie in the hopes of seeing the elusive Titmouse.

If you are ever in Northern Ohio, feel free to visit the lake and try to catch a glimpse of The Titmouse.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Amazingly True Facts: Animals

The animal kingdom is quite interesting. While the animal kingdom is filled with fascinating facts, it is, unfortunately, rife with myth and general bullshit.

BDF has decided to clear out some of the myths of the animal kingdom and let you know some of the amazingly true facts about animals.

Believe it or not, Canadian Geese aren't really Canadian. They migrated from Iceland and have yet to formally apply for Canadian citizenship. Damn immigrants!

It is wholly untrue that Siberian Huskies are shape shifters. It is, however, completely factual that they wait until you fall asleep before indulging in their secret passion: musical theater. They are particularly partial to HMS Pinafore.

The Wedge-tailed Eagle has such keen sight, it can actually see into the future. Hunters were often very partial to using Wedge-tailed Eagles and would use them to see if they would be successful in the hunt before they even began. If the eagle replied in the negative, the hunter would simply forego the hunt entirely and play a rousing game of Mah-jong instead.

Hedgehogs are quite skilled in haberdashery. It's true!

The Titmouse is neither a tit, nor is it a mouse. It is actually a large phallic-looking creature which dwells in Lake Erie. Sightings date back to 1832 when Josiah Barlow claimed to have seen it whilst picnicking on the shores of the Lake. His story claims that it approached the edge of the water and gestured for Barlow to come closer. As he did so, the beast stiffened and doubled in size. Barlow claims to have ridden it numerous times across the Lake. Then again, Barlow also claimed that he tamed a Sasquatch and defeated Satan in a game of Backgammon.





More realistic tales of the Titmouse have come forth from the late 1940's onward. To this day, visitors flock to Lake Erie in the hopes of seeing the elusive Titmouse.

When Owls call forth with their distinctive "Who" they are seriously asking a question. If you reply with your name, they are more than happy to share their vast knowledge of knock knock jokes and bawdy limericks.

The Manatee isn't the docile creature that media and film tend to make it out to be. Many a swimmer has been targeted and trapped by roving bands of Manatees and subsequently viciously sodomized.

It is an unfortunate truth that the domestic house-cat will steal the souls of babies and the elderly if left alone with them. What is less well known is their ability to cobble. Should you have any need of these furry shoemakers, simply leave your shoes by the litter box in the evening and by morning they will be as good as new.

Stunningly unbelievable!

Sunday, November 5, 2006

15 Incredibly Bad Break-Up Lines

1. It's not you, it's....wait...who the fuck am I kidding? It's you. It's definitely you.

2. You're kind of a bitch...so....yeah...I'm gonna go.

3. You're hot, but your sister is better in bed.

4. I'm sorry but size really does matter.

5. Every man wants to fuck a stripper....not so much date one. I'm not sure why we even tried this.

6. I'm sorry but I just can't fathom a world where I would merge my portfolio with yours.

7. My parents always warned me about your kind...Jews!

8. Now that I'm sober, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.

9. Bullshit! That kid isn't mine. Call Maury Povich!

10. This is awkward...but as it turns out, I'm gay.

11. (in a sing-song fashion) One of these things doesn't belong....and it's you, assbag.

12. You drink. You like sports. You swallow. But woman...you gave me the clap!

13. You're once...twice...three times...a whore.

14. You're sweet, charming, and almost everything I want in a man...but you really suck in bed.

15. I agreed to date you for 30 days to win $150 from my buddies. This is now day 29.

Thursday, November 2, 2006

More Crazy Fuckers Throughout History

As outlined in an earlier article, there have always been strange people in the world. Sometimes these strange people decide to form groups.

The following are a few more of the often overlooked organizations.

People For Harmonious Chess

Believing that chess inherently inflames race relations between whites and blacks by having black pieces and white pieces at war with each other for supreme dominance, this organization was dedicated to having the standard colors of chess changed.

While this whole idea may seem silly to most, what really torpedoed the organization was their proposal to adopt the colors brown and yellow because as their promotional literature stated: "...who gives a fuck about Arabs and Asians?"

Obviously, people of Arab and/or Asian descent weren't amused.

The Holy Shit Society

These strange fellows postulated the theory that the Earth and all surrounding planets are in actuality the remains of God's Supreme Defecation (quite literally "Holy Shit"). Furthermore, they believed that the inhabitants of the planet (humans, animals, etc.) were simply highly evolved fecal microbes.

Obviously, this basically means that the universe is a giant toilet...and frankly most people aren't completely comfortable with that idea. Membership never really took off.

Also, it should be patently clear to the casual observer that these people were fucking morons.

The Society For People Who Want To Be Taller

These people....well....wanted to be taller.

The Return To Our Roots Organization

These people believed that modernization has alienated people and caused society to become hostile and fractious. While they weren't the only group of people to believe this, their solution was decidedly odd.

Desiring to return to a quieter and less modern time, they promoted the abandonment of life as we know it and beginning anew in a more simplified fashion.

Unfortunately, not being scholars (and seeming to have not even the most basic of intelligence), all this groups knowledge was derived from episodes of The Flintstones.

All eight members of the group were eventually imprisoned on animal cruelty charges when they killed 19 birds attempting to play a record with their beaks.

Related Posts with Thumbnails