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Sunday, October 15, 2006

How To Win A Fight

If a man wants to be successful with the opposite sex, at some point he will have to prove his raw virility. The easiest way to do this is to pick a fight and win it.

I know. Some of you are saying "But I'm a raging pussy. How do I win a fight?"

Physically? You probably can't. But there are alternate methods.

Even if you aren't attempting to impress a lady, sometimes a guy will decide to pick a fight with you and you will need to know how to take care of yourself.

The following methods are BDF tested*.

* by which we mean "completely made up for this article".

The Psychic Kill Method

For years I have been playing with this move. Basically, I just stare at a guy and will his head to explode. Or implode.

Pick one and stick with it. If you can't decide then nothing is going to happen. A head can't explode and implode. That's just silly.

I will admit, thus far I haven't been able to get a head to explode (or implode, for that matter) per se. However, I do have it on good authority that I have cause three migraines, two instances of complete nausea the likes of which only happen when one accidentally sees their own grandparents having sex, and once I caused a man to question his own sexuality. That one was an accident...but it worked.

That, my friends, is power.

The Safety-In-Numbers Method

Obviously, you are always going to be a wee bit safer if you are surrounded by compatriots. When you enter an establishment, immediately make it a point to befriend the largest group of rough looking men.

If you aren't good at making friends and don't mind some preparation, you can always join a gang. Gang culture is sweeping the international scene these days so it shouldn't be a problem to find a rough-and-tumble group with interests similar to your own.

Beyond the well known Bloods and Crips, there are the lesser known Crochet Kids, Basketweaving Boyz, and Trekkies.

Alternately, rather than join an existing gang, you could formulate your own with men for hire.

While you may lose a degree of favor in the eyes of your intended by not actually winning the fight on your own, you will gain exponential respect from the power you wield.

Women dig a guy with can make things happen. The power to snap your fingers and have three guys beat the shit out of a guy for you? That is one serious aphrodisiac.

"But how do I get lackeys?" you ask. Try the classifieds. Also, there are various magazines that cater to this audience such as: American Lackey, International Henchman, Flunky!, and Hired Gun: The Magazine.

Alternately, depending upon the region you reside in, you may be able to hire a roving band of ninjas. In the constantly changing financial climate that we live in, ninjas have found it increasingly difficult to maintain steady employment. I'm sure they would be more than happy to do some work for you at a competitive price.

Granted, you are going to need to pay these guys. Loyalty costs money. Where you get that money...frankly, is none of my concern.

The Very-Strange-Person Method

I will preface this by admitting that this method is not 100% effective and it definitely will not get you laid by any women who witness this maneuver.

Basically, the move works like this: taunt your opponent with increasingly bizarre taunts coupled with very odd physical behavior.

Try screaming a taunt such as Shit-monkey. Other viable taunts include: Chicken-dick, Ass-pony, Fuck-puppet, and Marcel Marceau.

Whilst using these taunts, begin to do the chicken dance. Alternately, you can begin farting harmoniously. Either seems to work, from my experience.

Eventually, the guy will walk away, too disturbed to take a swing at you.

No matter how big a guy is, the one thing that scares us all is a seriously mentally unbalanced guy. Be that guy.

If none of these seem to fit your temperament and/or abilities...I guess you can just acclimate to getting your ass kicked. A lot.

Or...you know...get a gym membership or something.

But even if you get huge and burly...with some subtle use of willpower I can give you a migraine. Or question your sexuality. Maybe I will eventually be able to cause you to spontaneously orgasm.

Now that last one would be real power.

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