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Sunday, October 22, 2006

Amazingly True Facts: Insects

The insect kingdom is quite interesting. While the insect kingdom is filled with fascinating facts, it is, unfortunately, rife with myth and general bullshit.

BDF has decided to clear out some of the myths of the insect kingdom and let you know some of the amazingly true facts about insects.

Many people know that if you split an Earthworm, the two parts will live on independent of each other. What is less well known is that Earthworms have the ability to call forth other Earthworms to join and create an immense Mega-Earthworm. Like Voltron. Their attempts to create a giant super Earthworm (called PangeaWorm) and destroy all other living beings have been stymied by the fact that no matter how large a worm is...it still has no appendages and therefore is completely unable to wield weaponry.

The Ladybug is actually quite un-ladylike. They are quite fond of dick and fart jokes.

The Wombat is not a bat. Some claim that it is an Australian marsupial. Those people are idiots. The Wombat is actually a very large predatory insect. It feeds on the souls of lost children and dances to the beat of the rhythm of the night. Until the morning light.

Dragonflies, much like their namesake, are capable of breathing bursts of fire. Due to their small size, they aren't able to actually engulf a human in flames, but instead their attempts merely annoy the human. They can, however, cause minor blistering.

An insect of the order Mantodea is commonly called the "Praying Mantis". While their appearance is rather prayer-like, their name was actually coined by Bob Peters who witnessed the mating habits of these insects and immediately fell into prayer thanking God that his wife never literally bit his head off after sex. Ironically, despite their appearance, Praying Mantises are uniformly Atheists.

The insect family of Phasmatinae are commonly called "stick insects" due to their resemblance to tree branches. The similarities between these insects and trees don't end there. Entomologists have found that by cutting a stick insect in half, you can learn their age by counting the rings within.

The Colorado potato beetle is edible. Unfortunately, there are some side effects. Ingesting of the beetle creates an inordinate amount of intestinal gas. This gas, when released, has interesting properties (still not understood by modern science) which will cause spontaneous time travel. In 1978, Michael Bottoms opened a restaurant catering to those who practice entomophagy, or bug eating. On July 14th, Bottoms premiered his signature dish: Colorado potato beetles and beans. Three hours later, the restaurant and all thirty inhabitants disappeared!


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