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Monday, August 21, 2006

Some More Big Damn Apologies

Stu: I'm sorry that I convinced you that your girlfriend was screwing nine other dudes. As you now know, she really wasn't. Also, I probably shouldn't have convinced her that you were a raging closeted homosexual. She seemed like a real keeper. Sorry she left you, man. That sucks.

Peter: I'm sorry that for ten years I told everyone we knew that you were slowly going deaf so they would have to speak up. Yeah. It was me that did that one. Sorry. It was kind of funny when we would all go out drinking and everyone would shout at you and you had no idea what the fuck was going on. Heh. OK. That was wrong. Sorry.

Pablo: It was incredibly rude of me to have done that thing in that place. I would say more, but I doubt the statute of limitations has run out on that so it's probably best to stay general on the details. Anyway, sorry I never sprung for a lawyer. When you get out in five years, I'm going to throw you one hell of a party. Obviously, without booze, though. At least for me. You understand, right? Sure you do. I'm almost positive you do.

Betty: I'm really sorry that I farted like seventeen times during your wedding. I'm even more sorry for that one fart that turned out to not so much be a fart. Whoops! Seriously, that sucked. Sorry.

Everyone at the Laundromat: I'm sorry that for about three weeks I would show up at four in the morning and pee in all the dryers. That was fucked up. I shouldn't have done that.

June (?): I'm pretty sure your name was June. If not, I apologize for forgetting your name. Joan? Maybe it was Joan. In any case, I'm sorry I never called you back after you went down on my in the alley behind the bowling alley. It wasn't you, it was me. OK. It was you. A shaft of light hit your face as you stood...I swear for a moment I thought I just got blown by a fucking wookiee. I'm sorry. I'm also sorry that apparently God hates you, because seriously...you are fugly. Jane? Was it Jane? Fuck it.

All the students at St. Jospeph's Preschool: OK. First off, I think we all learned an interesting lesson about the downsides of drinking. Second, I'm really sorry I urinated all over your Christmas macramé projects. Also, I really shouldn't have screamed "There is no Santa you little fuckholes" as the police were physically removing me from the building. Sorry.

Grandpa: I'm sorry about that one Halloween when I dressed up like a reanimated Zombie Franklin Delano Roosevelt and showed up at your house at three in the morning and yelled at you for voting for Thomas Dewey. I didn't know Grandma was going to just drop like that. I mean, at first it was funny. But then, ultimately, it wasn't funny. My bad.

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